The Grand Tour

Hello and welcome to our last-ever Grand Tour.

Because this is the last time that James, Richard and I will ever work together,

Mr Wilman said we should do something important.

He said we should each buy a medium-sized electric car

and then see how many laps of the M25 we could do in it

on one charge.

And we decided to ignore him and come here.

Yep.

So, welcome, everyone, to Zimbabwe.

And we won't be driving crummy electric cars either.

Instead, the three of us decided that we would simply buy

things we've always wanted.

And that's why I bought this.

It's a Triumph Stag.

I've always loved the Stag. I've loved it since I was a small boy.

But I never actually thought I'd own one.

To be honest, I didn't think I was allowed to own one.

Only people like David Niven could own a Stag.

I'd never even driven one, in accordance with the rule

that you should never meet your hero.

But now I have, I'm delighted to say,

it's absolutely lovely.

Oh yeah.

At this point, Lewis Collins arrived.

Oh yeah!

Yep.

I am now the proud owner of a three-litre Mark One Ford Capri.

Is it a GT?

No, GXL.

-Why didn't you get a GT? -'Cause this is better.

Not really.

Before I had a chance to argue, Clarkson arrived,

having already made a mistake.

What do you think of that?

Why have you bought a Lancia?

Because!

Twenty or so years ago, I used one to drive across Botswana,

and proved it was the ideal car for Africa.

But it broke down all the time.

Yes, it did.

But, that was front-engined.

This, mid-engined. It's a Montecarlo.

And I've made several modifications to suit the conditions.

Let me talk you through them, if I may.

At the back here,

308 Ferrari tail lights.

They look good.

- Quad tail pipes. - Nice.

Delta Integrale wheels.

Delta Integrale headlamps and grill.

And then, Lotus Blue paintwork.

Wow. Does any of that make it more reliable?

And you know we've been doing this for...

112 years.

Yeah, 112 years. I've learned a few lessons.

So, inside,

I have replaced the leather seats, which get hot, with cloth seats.

Yes.

And a sort of Alcantara racing steering wheel.

And, if you look down there,

I've removed the glove box and replaced it with...

- Is that a fridge? - Yes.

For my cold beverages. For my zesty drink fridge.

- Wow. - That is actually quite good.

Does any of that make it more reliable?

No, but I'll be more comfortable.

You will have a cold drink whilst you wait at the side of the road.

It makes the many breakdowns more bearable.

- No, it's pretty. - It is absolutely breathtaking.

It's beautiful.

I've modified my Capri too, before shipping it here.

- Have you? - I've painted the bonnet black.

Because, look at it, it's beautiful.

-Is it a GT? -No, GXL.

-Why didn't you get a GT? - 'Cause this is better.

-It isn't. - Well, it is. It's like a GT,

which is good, but with more, which is better.

- Mm-hmm. -What?

I remember that from the GXL

'cause they had put the wood-look dashboard in it.

Correct.

-We've discussed this in the past. -We have.

The GT is for sport, the GXL is for meetings.

This is exactly right. You need to understand your Ford-badge hierarchy.

My dad had a GXL Cortina because he was a managing director.

My dad had a GXL Cortina.

-Both of your... - Manager?

- Yeah. -Both of your dads, powerful,

influential men who picked from the very top of the tree.

-And you know... -

You know how it's almost become a running joke,

my stereo has never worked...

Yeah.

On any one of these trips we've done. Well, this time, it does.

["Mark One Ford Capri" by The Deads playing]

Bear with. Wait for the lyrics.

I used to be a DJ, I can do this. Here they come. Now.

"Mark One Ford Capri." Voilà.

"Got everything I need." Which it has because it's a GXL.

-I do like a Capri. - You've got to, it's the law.

Everybody likes a Capri.

-Modifications, James, to your Stag? -None.

- What? -None whatsoever.

- Why would you? -Wait a minute.

You're not telling me it's still got the original engine?

It has.

Mr Clarkson raises a good point there!

It's not every single Stag,

but most Stags, I would guess, have had the original engine taken out

and the Rover V8 put in.

- Yes. -Which is more reliable.

Yeah. The original Triumph Stag V8 is incredible

because it's found so many ways of overheating

and destroying itself, 'cause it's not just one.

Casting sand left in the blocks fills the galleyways and then, bang, overheats.

They overbored it. They bored it out which made all the waterways smaller.

-So it overheats and goes back. -Yeah. That's two ways.

The clever thing is, two banks of cylinders.

- Yeah. -V8.

They only put a temperature sender on one bank.

So at least you don't know when it's overheating.

So if the other bank overheated, the first you'd know of it was the bang.

-If you're on an aeroplane. -Yeah.

Being piloted directly at some mountains.

- Would you want to know? -Actually, probably not.

Why would you wanna know?

You're having your gin and tonic, watching a movie, having a nice time...

Boom. Nothing...

I don't wanna raise that submarine, 'cause that's sick. They didn't know!

At least it's the last programme we'll ever do!

-Well, I mean... -We don't give a anymore!

How much solace did we take from the fact that they didn't know?

It was, "Oh, we're having a nice time under the sea..." Boom.

Yeah, exactly.

You can write, call us, by all means, to complain.

But you'll get a recorded message saying:

"We are not interested in your call."

Or simply dial 0800 Bugger Off.

"We're not here anymore!"

We're not even there!

We can say whatever we want.

How do you open the bonnet on this?

- Round this side. -Look at the wear on that handle.

It's worn the badge off with the picture of a bonnet over it.

-Pull it from the middle. -Shit, it is the original Triumph engine.

That's a rarity.

Ladies and gentlemen, come and look. It's the last time you're gonna see that.

Original but still shit.

- - Oh wait, a text.

-Oh, Mr Wilman. - Oh.

Oh, Lord.

"Now that you've charged your electric cars, report to South Mimms Services."

He doesn't know we're here.

He doesn't, no, he doesn't!

And it doesn't matter anyway, because, actually,

we've already worked out a challenge on our own.

We are currently on the far eastern side of Zimbabwe,

and we're gonna travel 1,200 miles to the far western side.

And that's it.

That's it!

-Just one thing still concerns me. -What?

Mountains? All that.

Well, I'm not worried because, let's not forget,

this spawned the 037 Lancia,

which was the last two-wheel-drive car to win the World Rally Championship,

beating the Audi Quattro.

There wasn't a lot of that in it, was there?

Well...

What they actually did was they said we can make this the basis

of a fantastic rally car with a few modifications,

and they cut the badge off there,

and then everything from there backwards was new.

With no further ado, we fired up our fifty-year-old sports cars

and set off to cross the rugged heart of Africa.

So, for the last time...

here we go.

This is the perfect car for me to take on this trip.

My first car was nearly a Capri.

It was advertised in the local paper.

I kept the picture of it next to the till

in the petrol station where I worked in Ripon.

I was just coming on 18.

It was gonna be my first car. My parents were buying it for me.

But when we inspected it,

it turned out to have been stolen.

So I got an old 1976 Toyota Corolla instead.

For a trip like this, this car is perfect. It's light.

It's just a shade over a metric ton.

Plenty of grunt and power.

Three-litre Essex V6 up front. Rear-wheel drive.

Brakes. Pft... That's it!

I love that the rev counter says 1,000, 2,000, 3,000.

It doesn't work, but if it did, you'd see it indicated in thousands.

'Cause that sounds better.

Back in the 80s, I never used to drive into Central London on the M4 motorway.

I always used the old Great West Road instead,