Community

His name is Archie Decoste.

Age, 22, total years spent in high school, seven.

Sat score zero.

And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana

to a police officer at a police station.

So, you want us to help you recruit this idiot

instead of an honors student or a science genius?

Do we go to the same Greendale?

Ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie.

Family net worth, $8 million.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we

in the community college recruiting game call a "whale."

The perfect mix of low intellect,

high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support.

So, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate

and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.

Is there really that much money in this, Dean,

or is it like that endorsement deal you made with let's potato chips?

If you don't like the crispy-licious taste of Let's,

feel free to eat that other greasy brand.

Splingles? Not this guy.

Thank you, Troy,

and, I will explain the value of this whale by describing one

who's been swimming right under your nose.

Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80%

of Greendale's classes more than twice.

He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker

or the extended pencil warranty.

Pierce cannot know about this.

He's a big baby who throws tantrums when anyone else gets attention.

Remember when Kerri Strug visited our campus?

- That was horrible. - That was awful.

I have scheduled Archie's visit for tomorrow

when Pierce has no classes.

Guys, I'm asking,

as treasurer of the forensics club.

The Dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm.

- Mmm. - Who wants to help?

I'm in. Sounds like a romper.

We do need money.

The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for 10 years.

If we land this kid, we can buy 100 dead pigs

and make everybody happy.

I'll help where I can, but I started a new PE class.

I've been avoiding it for three years, but you can't run from running forever.

I'm in PE too.

I made room in my trophy case.

Then, I remembered classes don't give out trophies,

so I put a fishbowl there instead.

It's been quite the week.

So, the rest of us will have to pick up the slack,

and, yes, Jeffrey, I assume you're out,

because of your track record of literally being too cool for school.

Actually, you can count me in on this one.

What?

You had me at "no Pierce."

He's been all over me lately to hang out. It's weird.

You just want to be a part of something.

Admit it, Thanksgiving softened that Winger underbelly.

Ugh, Britta.

Now, let's set sail and hunt that whale!

- Yeah. - Hey, let's do that.

Oh!

You know what the commercial says.

"Keep your damn hands off my Let's."

Hey, Jeff, there you are.

I was thinking we could swing by this great barbershop I know.

You're looking a little stubbly,

and nobody handles a razor like an Italian.

They develop nimble fingers from pleasing their mistresses.

Thank you for opening my eyes to two new stereotypes.

Now, how can I put this?

No. I don't want to go.

Not now, not ever. No.

No prob.

We'll work around your skedge.

Ah.

- It's okay. Pierce is gone. - Yes.

Walking Dead has left the building. Resume operation, Deadliest Catch.

Archie is gonna love this banner.

The name, brand glitter really shows.

Yo, yo, yo.

School board guys in the hizzie!

Richie, Richie, pace yourself.

Hey, there, Dean.

Just thought we'd pop in and check on the big whale hunt.

Ah, what a day we have planned for young Archie.

Library tour, calculator lab demonstration...

And, it all culminates

in the "spirit of Greendale" reception.

Magnitude is a soft yes.

Oh, wow, that's a get.

As much as we love that magnitude,

your tour may be lacking a little...

Tour sucks, bro.

- What? - You gotta think big.

Hookers, blow, hookers.

He's been mixing,

but there is some wisdom there.

We need this whale money.

The kid likes snowboarding.

Maybe Shaun White finds his way on the faculty roster.

He likes to party.

Maybe Greendale suddenly has a frat.

The Delta Cubes, or whatever.

Dean, you're not considering this, are you?

No, no. Greendale stands on its own.

No hookers, no blow,

no Shaun White frat.

College dean threatening a fraternity.

You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes.

- What? - Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes...

Look, it's your call, Craig.

Don't let this whale swim away.

Cruise by Skeeper's Express for a refill?

I'll second that motion.

I've been working on my victory dances.

Basketball, football,

and crab soccer.

That one's the hard one.

Well, that's nice.

Hey, when I was in grade school,

PE was about being picked on and picked last,

but, you'll put me on your team, right?

- Right, but also, wrong. - Ah.

PE's about survival of the fittest.

Line up, class.

Welcome to PEE I'm coach Jason Chapman.

Physical education education?

I thought that was a typo in the course cartalogue.

It started as a typo,

but it's grown into one of Greendale's

most successful programs.

Anyone can take PE.

I teach my student coaches to teach PE.

- Something funny, coach Barnes? - No, it's just...

You're teaching us how to be gym teachers.

Gym teachers?

A gym is a building,

a man-made structure inside which

physical education teachers

teach physical education to physical education students.

Pop quiz, coach Barnes,

a student is choking on a plastic golf ball.

- What do you do? - I...

How many orange cones does it take to line a regulation soccer field?

What if students are talking during stretches?

When my kids talk past bedtime,

I use my angry voice, and I say,

"the next peep I hear will be the last." And I give 'em one of these.

Not bad, coach Bennett.

- Look at me! - I see you.

Two hours late?

This is exactly the lack of follow-through that makes Archie so appealing,

but still, send a text, right?

Okay, Abed, I told you we're not doing the fraternity idea.

The Delta Cubes will never die.

We've only just begun to fight.

You only began yesterday.

Whale, ho! Look alive, everyone.

Hey, what are you guys all doing out here?

Oh, no! Pierce will ruin everything!

What's an Archie? Why does he get a banner?

Jeff! Do something.

Oh!

Ugh.

There you are, Pierce.

Thought you were gonna cancel our plans.

- Plans? - To spend the entire day

together away from everyone else.

Oh, yeah! Those plans.

Suck it, bozos.

You're getting ditched by the cool kids.

Oh, what a day we're gonna have.

Text me the instant I can ditch him.

- Oh! - Hey, guys.

Sweet campus.

Welcome to Greendale. I'm bean Pelton.

"Bean Pelton?" Dean Pelton.

Gosh, I'm nervous.

Please enroll in our school. Please, please.

Nice scooter, Archie.

Yeah, city college gave it to me as a present.

- City college? - Mmm-hmm.

City college bought you a vespa?

Brand-new.

So, Archie, have you heard about

our half-pipes and hash pipes class, taught by professor Shaun White?

- What? - Yeah, let me tell you about it

in our Mountain Dew cool zone tent.

Put up a tent, write "Mountain Dew" on it, make it cool.

Ah, here we go. Let's keep going. This is our library.

Okay.

Archie, why don't you "hang ten" on the web

while I talk business, and you know what?

You can take that computer.

Wah! Sweet!

My friends and I can drop it off an overpass.

Ah, I shouldn't have heard that.

Dean, you're giving him our computers?