American Dad!

Aah!

You fellas interested

in playing a little b-ball after work today?

I can't do it today.

I'm going to a camping store with my kids

to get some new hiking equipment.

Hey, how'd you get your kids so into hiking?

Well, Hayley's always loved being outdoors,

And Steve got into it because I called it trekking,

and he thought Nimoy would be involved.

You got a dumb nerd son, Stan.

My ultimate goal is to climb this.

Bret Michaels?

Kilimanjaro.

What magazine is that?

People.

Damn it! Bullock just told me

I can't do the Urban Assault Vehicle presentation

to the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

What?! Oh, come on!

I think Bullock's right.

You're too old.

That's why I told Bullock I'd do the presentation.

Who are you to say I'm too old?!

Ray, you microwaved a sponge yesterday,

thinking it was a Hot Pocket.

You cooked it for 30 seconds, flipped it over,

and then cooked it another 30 seconds.

You had a lot of opportunities to see it wasn't food.

Stan, you're gonna be my age one day.

We'll see how you feel then.

Ray, when I'm your age, I want to be dead for ten years.

God, what is taking so long?

What is this, Old Man Day?

What a terrible holiday that would be.

Thousands of pigeons would die from overfeeding.

You're taking way too long up here, buddy.

I mean, what could you possibly be buying?

This isn't a pharmacy.

Dad, go easy on this guy.

I'm just being honest.

Old people just get in the way.

Their lives are worthless.

Young people like me do things.

I work. I contribute.

I'm gonna climb Mount Kilimanjaro one day.

The only thing this geezer's gonna climb into

is a lukewarm bath his Filipino nurse drew for him.

He'll yell at her for making it too hot,

but she knows it's just right.

She'll never win with this guy.

She'll just cool it off,

and then, he'll yell at her for making it too cold.

Thank God she has her herb garden to keep her sane.

You know, old people have their place in society, Dad.

Yeah, it's called a coffin.

Ingredior in meus calceus

quod vos mos agnosco.

What the hell did he just say to me?

Well, it was in a foreign language,

so it was probably "Death to America."

I think he said "I'm losing the war against gingivitis."

Whew.

I like yours.

We're gonna go with yours.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, my God, you stupid bitch, why did you drop me?

I can't breathe. Why can't you do that move?

You stupid bitch, I'll kill you.

Please, Roger. I'm trying.

God, six months of rehearsing,

and you still can't do that move!

How do you expect us to win the Vizio $100,000 Dance-Off,

sponsored by Capezio?

I'm just not sure I'm ever gonna get it.

You better get it.

I'm getting it, and I'm dealing with some serious wig problems.

Why can't they make a good red wig?

I look like Garfield had a miscarriage on my head.

Please, Roger. That move is so hard.

Look, if you put your mind to it, you can achieve it.

You have to keep at it.

It's called tenacity.

And this is called Fine Ass City.

One policeman's flashlight.

Ugh, I look terrible.

I look like Chelsea Handler 12 years ago.

Uh. What... What time is it?

7:45.

You've been sleeping through Monk repeats

and cutting wake-up farts.

What is it with me today?

I know, you're acting so stupid, man.

Oh, I'm up!

Stan, you look horrible.

And he's acting so stupid, man.

I think you should see a doctor.

Maybe we shouldn't go to the dance contest.

Nonsense. He's fine.

All you need to worry about is dancing your little fanny off.

See a doctor immediately.

You're obviously dying.

Well, Mr. Smith, it seems that you have aged.

I have AIDS?!

No, no, not AIDS.

You've aged.

I'm being paged?

No, not paged. Aged.

I have AIDS?! Again?!

This should help your hearing,

but more importantly, end this bit.

Mr. Smith, my concern is that two months ago,

you were in great health,

but now you have the body of a 75-year-old man.

What?!

You're aging at an alarming rate.

How did this happen?!

Well, let's see.

- Do you smoke? - No.

Are you President of the United States?

No.

Mm-hmm.

Have you been cursed and/or hexed recently

by someone old and/or magical?

Dad, I think maybe that creepy guy

at the camping store hexed you,

and now you're turning into an old man.

Wait. Are hexes even real?

I find that most things are.

Y'all sayin' Texas ain't real?

No. Hexes.

Oh, okay, good, yeah.

'Cause Texas is real, that's for sure.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have my penis removed,

in the first of many painful steps

Hey, what are you guys watching?

Dad got hexed, so I rented a bunch

of hex-based Disney movies to figure out how to break it.

First up is Freaky Friday.

That's a body switching movie, you dink.

You want to learn about a hex, watch The Shaggy Dog.

You want to learn how to feel,

I mean really feel, watch Marley & Me.

That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin,

but I can't find the translation.

What did he say exactly?

It was something "in meus calceus,"

something "mos agnosco."

"Ingredior in meus calceus quod vos mos agnosco."

It means, "Walk in my shoes, and you will know."

It's a really good hex.

How do you knoso much about hexes?

I do a lot of reading because, you know,

I sit in a (bleep) bowl all (bleep) day.

I'm not giving into this hex.

I'm a young man, and by gum,

I'm going to live like a young man!

Did you just say "by gum"?

Aah!

Okay. Radical.

Okay, what's with the getup, Stan?

I just got back from Beer Pong Coachella,

and didn't have time to change.

Why, hello, Shia LaBeouf.

I loved youu in Holes.

I'm joking, Smith.

I knew it was you.

You look ridiculous.

Now let's go.

It's time to demonstrate the Urban Assault Vehicle

to the Joint Chiefs.

Is that a hearing aid in your ear?

No. It's my Bluetooth.

Yo, what up, Slick?

It's my homey, Slick.

All right then, Slick.

Stan, you didn't tell Slick I said hello.

Slick was my homey long before he was yours.

Okay, here's today's itinerary.

We check into the hotel, I shower real quick,

then we go to the hotel's common room to rehearse.

I'm still a little nervous about getting that dance move down.

You'll get it.

Remember, it's all about tenacity.

Why are we stopping here?

Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you.

There is no dance competition.

What?! You mean they cancelled it?

No, it never existed.

You see, a dear friend of mine's been sick,

and I needed a way to make sure you'd come with me to Louisville

when she finally passed away.

You know, for emotional support.

This seemed easier than just asking you.

Uh, I... I... I don't understand.

We've been rehearsing for six months.

Look... Look what I'm wearing!

I know.

You're gonna look ridiculous.

I was going to pack you something dressy,