BoJack Horseman

Oh, I'm sorry, did I startle you with holiday cheer

and good will towards man?

No, I just had this terrible dream that you were a person

that existed and that you were in my room for some reason.

And then I woke up and it was true.

Do you know what day it is?

Oh, shit, is it like our anniversary of that one

day that I forgot to tell you how annoying you are?

No, that was July 14th.

You can remember it because it's also Bastille Day.

- Christ, are you annoying. - BoJack, it's Christmas!

Well, don't get too excited. I didn't get you shit.

Ha! Shows what you know.

When you were passed out, I used your credit card

to buy me this new hat. Merry Christmas to me.

It looks exactly like your old hat.

Yeah, it's my favorite kind of hat. Thanks, buddy!

Okay, great, Christmas transaction complete.

Please leave now.

Or we could watch Sabrina's Christmas Wish.

Hard pass.

What? Come on, you love Horsin' Around!

Yeah, but I always skip the Christmas ones.

Because the themes of family and togetherness

are a chilling reminder of your own isolation?

No, but thank you for that.

Todd, special holiday episodes are always stupid.

Cynical cash grabs by greedy corporations

looking to squeeze a few extra Nielsen points

out of sentimental claptrap for mush-brained idiots who'd

rather spend their Christmas watching a fake family on TV

than actually trying to have a conversation

with their own dumb families.

I like it when people on TV hug each other.

Oh, come on, buddy! It's Christmas!

Fine, if it'll make you shut up, I begrudgingly acquiesce

to a half-hour of shared holiday acknowledgment,

but only because I get a residual check

every time somebody watches one of them.

Hurray! Begrudging acquiescence!

Horsin' Around is filmed before a live studio audience.

Eggs sunny side up, just like you like 'em.

The hash has been thoroughly browned

and your pancakes have extra chocolate chips.

- Any questions? - Just the one.

Who are you and what have you done with Olivia?

Can't a sweet, young, lovable orphan make breakfast

for her favorite horse without having ulterior motives?

You're right, I'm sorry, Olivia, this is very sweet.

- And speaking of ulterior motives... - Well, I walked into that one.

That cute leather jacket I like is on sale at the galleria.

As always, all roads lead to a cute leather jacket.

I gotta say, I've never understood the appeal of fashionable clothing.

Um, that's the understatement of the century.

Trends come and go,

but give me a pair of sensible winter socks,

and for years to come, I can keep my tootsies toasty.

Haven't you kids ever heard that it's better to give than to receive?

Well, by that logic, isn't giving you the opportunity

to give me a leather jacket really the best gift of all?

Well, I've heard of a one jacket mind,

but this is ridiculous.

"One jacket mind"? What the hell is a one jacket mind?

I just want to look good

when I'm on the back of Joey Saratoga's motorcycle.

Besides, I've never had a Christmas before

and I want to make sure this one's really special.

Hold on, you mean to tell me you've

never had a Christmas at the orphanage?

- What's a Christ... mas? - What's a Christmas?

Wha... Only the most wonderful time of the year.

You hang up stockings, sing carols,

- and wait up for Santa Claus. - What's a Santa Claus?

- What's a Santa Claus? - Is there an echo in here?

Santa Claus is the best.

He's this jolly old fat man who lives up at the North Pole,

and every year he flies all over the world

leaving presents for all the good boys and girls.

We get presents just for being good?

That's too much, man.

That's my favorite line!

That's right, but you have to be really good

because Santa Claus is always watching.

Even when we go to the bathroom? That's too much, man.

Yeah, she said it again!

This Santa Claus guy sounds like a real piece of work.

Yowza-yowza-bo-bowza!

You kids just wait,

this is gonna be the best Christmas you ever had.

- So, better than no Christmas? - A thousand times better.

A thousand times zero is still zero.

- Ethan, you want those winter socks? - Do I?

Then don't be such a wise guy over here, eh?

- Is Mr. Liberatore in? - Look at you all business.

No, "Hello, Tracy. Your hair looks nice, Tracy.

How's your mother, Tracy?"

Ah, sorry, Trace, I'm just trying to get ahead

so I don't have to work on Christmas this year.

Since when do you care about workin' on Christmas?

Are those little rug rats making you soft?

No way, I'm still the top earner at this firm.

I'll buzz Mr. Liberatore and let him know you're here.

I know he wanted to check your progress on the Manzanita briefs.

Tracy, if you wanted to see my briefs,

all you had to do was ask.

Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were flirting with me.

Kiss her!

Mr. Liberatore is gonna make me come in on Christmas, I can feel it.

You know, he has got to be the meanest, snootiest, penny-pinchingest...

And he's right behind me, isn't he?

Actually, I'm listening over the intercom.

Oh!

I can't say I'm not disappointed.

Time was, I thought you were a go-getter.

Hey, I go, I get.

Ever since those orphans moved in, you've become awfully distracted.

If you want to be made partner, you'll have to show some initiative.

You know, Jacob Goldstein's coming in on Christmas.

- Jacob Goldstein's Jewish! - He is?

The boys at the country club are not gonna like that.

Anyway, you can spend Christmas morning with your little tater tots,

but I want you in here by the afternoon.

Remember, this is your career we're talking about.

- It's quiet. - Too quiet.

Go home, Goober!

For your information, I was invited here personally

by The Horse himself to sprinkle a little holiday magic

into your dull, Gooberless lives.

Since when does Santa wear sunglasses?

I thought it was time old Saint Nick

got a bit of an update, you know what I'm sayin'?

Let me guess, instead of "Ho, Ho, Ho," it's "Yo, Yo, Yo."

And, uh, maybe later I could get you under the mistletoe-toe-toe?

I've got three words for you Goober: No, no, no.

Kiss her!

All right, Sabrina, are you ready for the big surprise?

A tree inside the house? Now I've seen everything.

And that's not all. Look who came to visit.

- Hey! Go home, Goober.

No, that's not Goober, it's Santa.

Please, I'd recognize that cologne anywhere.

You had to wear the cologne.

Ha, classic Goober.

Are you gonna keep talking? 'Cause I'll just pause it.

Okay, okay, I won't talk.

- You're getting into it, aren't you? - No, why are we doing this?

You have to watch cheesy old holiday specials on Christmas,

- it's tradition. - Why? They're never any good.

Things don't become traditions because they're good, BoJack.

They become good because they're traditions.

You know, you can't just make yourself sound smart

- by saying things backwards. - Oh, I can't, can't I?

Still don't believe I let you talk me into this.

And I still don't believe Goober

ended up molesting all those Laker Girls.

Goober did not molest those Laker Girls,

the actor who played Goober molested those Laker Girls.

- Hey, this is nice, right? - No, shut up.

All right, all right, little lady, you got me.

But, uh, listen, I'm actually workin' for Santa

as one of his helpers, so anything you say to me

I can relay to the big man himself.

Is there anything you want to ask Santa for?

Now's your chance, anything you want.

Well, I guess what I really want is a personalized pencil set.

A pencil set? Sabrina!

At the orphanage, I always had to share everything.

If I pencils that had my name on them, everyone would know,

"Hey, these pencils are Sabrina's! Hands off, bumsky!"

I don't think you're getting this whole Christmas thing.

You can ask for anything, you don't have to be shy.

Well, I guess I wouldn't mind a Pretty Pony Princess play set.

Now you're thinking Christmas.

Keep going, what do you want more than anything else in the world?

- I can ask Santa for anything? - Anything at all.

And if I'm good, Santa has to give it to me?

That's the deal, as long as you're good,

all your Christmas dreams will come true.

Okay, I know what I want.

Santa, I want my Mommy and Daddy to come back!

- Aww. - Aww.

- Ooh! - This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Look how sad you are, you're a really good actor.

Are you gonna interrupt every five minutes?

- Because I will ask you to leave. - And spend Christmas by yourself?

No one should be alone on Christmas.

Did we learn nothing from John McClane in "Die Hard"?

John McClane was alone on Christmas, that's how he saved the day.

He wasn't alone, he had that cop helping him,

the dad from Family Matters.

That wasn't the dad from Family Matters, it was just the same actor.

I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the same character,

- they're both cops. - Yeah, but one was a cop in Los Angeles

- and the other was a cop in Chicago. - Maybe he moved.

He didn't move, they had different names!

Witness Protection.

- Hey, this is nice, right? - No!

Oh, Charles Krauthammer, you have done it again.

Yes, Mr. Liberatore. Of course, Mr. Liberatore,

I'll get right on it, sir.