Futurama

First up on today's agenda...

- Ah! -

Singing hologram for Hermes Conrad?

Ooh! Fun!

Oh, rats. I'll just say it.

Your father's on his deathbed in Jamaica.

- - Oh, no!

Once more from the top!

I can't believe it. I didn't even know my father was alive.

But not for much longer.

Sorry about your pops, Pops. I didn't realize you had a pops.

I never mentioned him because he was a terrible man.

I haven't seen him since I was four.

A hurricane swept Jamaica with a pressure drop so low,

it destroyed my father's barometer store.

- How low can it go? - Not this low!

It was our last night together as a family.

We need money to rebuild.

And they say, a man can make a good living

doing weird stuff in the jungle.

Not the jungle, Daddy!

There's green snakeses in there!

There's green snakes in lots of things.

But I'll be home soon, son.

But the miserable cruff never did come back.

He abandoned us.

They say he went off into the woods to grow some exotic crop.

Exotic Jamaican crop?

- It could be anything. - Step on it, Leela!

We've got to get there fast,

so I can tell him I hate him before he dies!

Sure, I know your daddy.

He run a growin' operation up in the Blue Mountains.

I hope it's pumpkins.

I'm scorin' a few kilos from the man today.

Come now, I'm gonna take you there.

Coffee? He's growing coffee?

Best in the Blue Mountains.

What'ja think he was growin'?

Uh... Pumpkins. Medicinal pumpkins.

The crops are all burnt!

It's not like Badrick to let this happen.

He treats those beans like they were his own children!

I'd say much better than his own children!

There you are, ya low-down licky-licky harbor shark!

- Now listen to me... - Is that you, son?

Hang on, I gotta put my hearin' aids in...

Now listen to me, ya low-down licky-licky harbor shark...

- ...and turn them on. -

Okay, ya lowdown licky-licky etcetera, now see here!

I need to see something?

Wait, lemme find my glasses.

Are you ready? Can I rip you a new one yet?

Oops, these my reading glasses. Is there something I'll have to read?

Yeah, my lips!

Mmm. Then I'll need my regular glasses.

I can see ya now, son!

You look awful!

Dad, there are things I've needed to say to you for a long time.

Ever since that day you walked out on us all those years ago.

What kind of man abandons his only son?

What kind of man leaves his family to fend for themselves?

I'll tell you what kind!

Though I and I never saw eye-to-eye with him and him,

I daren't speak ill of the dead,

so, that's all I got.

I always get so sad when I hear steel drums.

Forty percent steel, baby!

Now, to honor Badrick's last cuckoo banana wishes,

he gonna be buried in a burlap coffee sack.

Thanks for your help, Professor.

To be honest, you've been more of a father to me than he ever was.

I feel the same way. You've been a father to me.

Let's bury him here, between the outhouse and the pigsty.

Good thing I always carry my pocket gravedigger.

At my age, you never know when you'll need it.

It's some kind of mysterious buried hatch.

Should we go in?

No, let's wait until I'm older.

Of course, we should go in!

Sweet UFO of Tupelo!

It's a spaceship!

And not of this Earth.

It must have come from space.

Look at the size of that engine!

And these would be fuel lines.

Coffee? A ship fueled by coffee? Amazing!

More amazing than the fact you licked the drippings off an alien rocket pipe?

I think not.

What are these weird cylinders and those weird signs?

Stop calling everything "weird."

You should get out more. I'll just use my trusty hand translator.

"Ethiopia?"

"Indonesia?"

"Brazil?"

All of the world's most important sandal-wearing cultures!

Yes, but also the world's most important coffee producers!

"Jamaica!"

And somehow, it's full of fresh-picked beans!

Not that fresh.

According to my pocket carbon-dater, they're five million years old.

They predate human civilization!

Five-million-year-old coffee?

If you come across their half-and-half, don't open it.

Ah! Lifeless alien bodies.

That's probably an important piece of the puzzle.

- Coffee? - Stop tasting stuff!

There's coffee in these mugs, too!

Mmm! It's actually quite good.

You drank it? Gross!

Still rich in flavor after all these...

What's going on?

I'm seeing every color of the coffee rainbow!

Me, too! It's a double mocha hallucaccino!

Now what's happening? Did they come back to life?

No way, man. We're just whacked out of our gourds!

It's like a vision of what went down five million years ago.

Dig?

Helmsman, set a course for planet Kl'zank.

That means Earth.

The empty glass cylinders!

They must have come here to steal our coffee!

We weren't stealing it!

We brought it to your planet as a great gift!

- Oh. Sorry. - No need to apologize.

We've been dead millions of years and can't hear you.

We came from Planet Thermos,

a world of steaming brown beauty,

where the sacred Java plant blooms each morning,

and don't talk to us before then.

Hot rain filters through the blooms to produce the sacred coffee,

which flows to the sea, source of all life.

The coffee goosed along our development.

We skipped right past the age of dinosaurs.

Didn't need it!

Blessed by the bean, we made it our mission

to spread the sacrament of coffee throughout the galaxy.

Look, it's Kl'zank!

Our first destination on your planet was Ethiopia,

where we delivered coffee to the ancestors of man.

Fascinating! Do you make decaf, too?

We're aliens, not perverts!

Coffee would trigger huge advances wherever it appeared.

The Pyramids, the Industrial Revolution,

the Boston Tea Party...

The first and only good use of tea.

Tea!

Finally, we headed for the Blue Mountains of Jamaica,

to plant the most potent beans of all.

This coffee would inspire

the final stage of humanity's development,

allowing you to reach undreamt-of heights

in the arts and sciences.

- Even choreography? - Especially choreography!

But tragedy derailed our mission.

Mayday! Mayday! Coffee crotch!

Thus, mankind was deprived of our final gift,

and never reached its full potential.

That was astonishing!

We've got to tell everyone the entire story.

The loose coffee cup lid and all the other stuff, too!

No, Professor!

We can't tell anyone what we saw or heard or drank here.

- People will think we're crazy. - Crazier!

For you, Dad.

Sorry, it's cold, but that's how you serve revenge.

Wait. You liked iced coffee.

What heights humanity might have reached with the power of this brew.

If only those aliens had lived to plant the beans.

Maybe we could plant them. We're alive!

Oh, you flatter me.

And the beans are still down there.

It's up to us to complete their noble mission.

For humanity!

Ah! There you are.

I'm so glad you buried the hatchet with your daddy.

That way, if he's still alive, he can hack his way out.

Now, let's go home.

Yes. You should go.

But I'm staying here to rebuild the farm.

What?

- Dad? - Husband, what do you know about coffee?

It takes you an hour to make instant.

Zing!

Are you really going to abandon your boy the way your father did?

This is more important than you know, but I'll be home soon, son.

That's a good, non-crazy idea, Hermes.

And we're all going to help.