The Conners

Okay, I got the candy in three piles --

Valentine's, Halloween, and Christmas.

God, how long have you had this stuff?

Ever since your grandmother said,

"Holiday candy stays good forever.

It's like medicine."

Now let's divide the candy into "good" and "bad."

There. That's the bad pile.

Hey! I was still eating those.

You know, a lot of that stuff will soften up

if you just work it in your mouth for a couple hours.

Uh, I hate to interrupt the riveting stale candy debate,

but there is a really good house here.

It's right at the top end of my price range,

but it's the only one that hasn't said,

"Train lovers look no further."

I wouldn't consider the train a dealbreaker.

I think it's nice when your house rocks you to sleep.

Becky, let's go check it out later.

If you're gonna live there,

you should check out the place, too.

Oh, I can't today.

Glen's picking me up for a date in a little bit.

Ooh.

Okay, fine. I'll take Harris.

But this lack of initiative is how you and your daughter

end up in a basement.

So... you're going out

with your professor again, huh?

Yeah. We got to keep it on the DL

so we don't get into trouble.

We're trying a little out-of-the-way place

three towns over.

It's called Rusty's Kitchen.

Based on the website picture

of the guy flipping burgers with his shirt off,

it might just be a kitchen

in the house of a guy named Rusty.

I feel bad not going with Darlene,

but I'm not even sure if I want to live with her.

It's a tough decision.

Well, just make a list of pros and cons.

Oh, sure.

Not easy having a sister as a roommate.

Were you and Mom ever roommates?

No. But I don't know if you know this.

I was actually a twin.

They say I killed my sibling in the womb.

It wasn't a twin.

All they found was an ovarian cyst.

Yeah. After I got done with her.

Okay, there's the first pro --

uh, "Spend less time with other crazy family members."

Oh, yeah, I get that.

So what are the cons of moving in with Darlene?

Darlene. Mm.

See, we got through the whole house

without some pushy Realtor bugging us.

That's why you gotta dress like this.

I don't want these people to think I've got money.

Yeah, whatever you do, don't tuck in your sweatshirt.

They might think you're a billionaire.

This place is amazing, right?

I mean, it's got so much potential.

Oh, my God, I want it so bad.

Then go for it. I'm gonna go grab my phone.

I left it charging in an outlet upstairs.

Oh, Harris, you're, uh, stealing electricity.

People live here.

So while you're up there, make sure to grab

some soap and toilet paper.

Hi. You can't be in here.

But if you come back at the end of the day,

I'll leave a plate of leftover cookies on the porch.

Oh, no.

I'm -- I'm not here for the food.

By the way, I love this house.

I'm sure you do.

It's indoors.

I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave.

Oh, oh, you think I'm homeless because of the way I'm dressed.

No, I'm not. Smell me.

I'd rather not. Please.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, Harris. You're just in time.

This is my daughter.

Harris, please tell her who I am.

I am so sorry.

We were just about to put out a silver alert for her.

No, no, no.

No, not right now.

That's only funny with family.

No, it's funny now.

Fine. She's a manager at Wellman Plastics,

the pillar of our community.

Anyway, I am super interested in this house,

and I would like to make an offer.

Great. But you'll want to get it in soon.

This house is priced to move.

It's gonna be a multiple-offer situation.

Okay, so how do I make sure I get it?

Come in at asking price, don't low ball.

And then make sure you and your husband,

or your partner, are pre-approved.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's -- That's not an issue.

I'm qualified, but the loan's just gonna be in my name.

Ooh, that might be a tough one for the seller.

They prefer the security of a couple.

Oh, yeah, so do adoption agencies.

But that just means you might end up with

two alcoholic parents, right?

I mean, I think those days are behind us.

I'm sure all things being equal,

a single woman and a couple have the exact same shot.

I can't say this officially,

but since I've already opened myself up

to an equal-opportunity lawsuit with the homeless thing -- no.

The couple would win the bid.

A couple would also beat a single man?

Oh, absolutely.

The only good news for single men is they beat single women.

Excuse me?

More earning potential

and less likely to end up raising children alone.

Okay, so a single man beats a single woman,

but a couple beats them both?

I assume the highest hand is two men.

The banks don't even run their credit.

We just hand them the keys.

Wow. Well, I feel sorry for some poor single woman

that's just trying to make a better life for herself.

I guess she should just keep living with her father, right?

You joke, but there are some lost souls who have to do that.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. We're actually out of the house.

Let's take a romantic stroll afterward.

Finally, we don't have to worry

about one of my students seeing us.

Didn't you like walking around my yard

and checking to see if any of the chickens

had frozen to death overnight?

Took me a while to find the romance in it, but yeah.

Hey, Professor Davis!

Hey.

Becky?

What are you guys doing all the way out here?

Connie: We live out here. It's cheaper.

What are you guys doing out here? Together?

I live out here, too.

Because it's cheaper.

And, uh, I was just giving Becky a ride.

Because I had a flat tire.

And he brought me all the way out here to buy a new tire.

'Cause it's cheaper.

Oh, okay.

'Cause when we saw you get out the car,

it almost looked like you guys were on a date.

A date? Gross.

I don't date my professor.

I only date young and hot guys.

Yeah, and I can show you pictures of people I've dated

that are much better looking than her.

But you're single, right?

Oh, yeah.

Well, since you're single,

you should come out with us tonight.

The Chamber of Commerce is trying to keep younger people

in the city, so they're having a big singles event

at the Lanford Cemetery.

Yeah, it's called, "You have to die,

but you don't have to die alone."

Cute. But not factually correct.

I mean, I think everybody dies alone.

Oh, yeah, but that's not clever.

We're not taking no for an answer.

We'll pick you up at 8:00.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Oh, man.

I think I got to go to this thing.

No, you don't.

You shouldn't have to go to some creepy singles event

just 'cause Connie's nosey.

You know, she wrote a paper

about being estranged from her father.

Now I see his side of it.

Yeah, but she's got a big mouth.

I mean, I could get kicked out,

and more importantly, you could lose your job.

Guess I'm gonna have to make an appearance.

Well, we got busted,

but we still have Rusty's one-star meal

to look forward to.

Somebody on Yelp said he should be wearing

a hairnet on his chest.

Ew!

Where'd you get that?

Store.

You took that from the trash.

You're eating trash candy.