How to Get Ahead in Advertising

Let me try and clarify some of this for you.

Best Company Supermarkets

are not interested in selling wholesome foods.

They are not worried about the nation's health.

What is concerning them is that the nation

appears to be getting worried about its health.

And that is what's worrying Best Co,

because Best Co wants to go on selling them what it always has,

ie, white breads, baked beans, canned foods

and that suppurating, fat-squirting little heart attack

traditionally known as the British sausage.

So, how can we help them with that?

Clearly, we are looking for a label.

We need a label brimming with health.

And everything from a nosh pot to a white sliced

will wear one with pride.

And although I'm aware of the difficulties of coming to terms with this,

it must be appreciated from the beginning

that even the nosh pot must be low in something.

And if it isn't, it must be high in something else.

And that is its health-giving ingredient we will sell.

Which brings me to my final question.

Who are we trying to sell this to?

Answer, we are trying to sell this

to the archetypal, average housewife,

she who fills her basket.

What you have here is a 22-year-old pretty girl.

What you need is a taut slob,

something on foot deodorisers in a brassière.

I... I'm not quite sure we can go along with that, Mr Bagley.

If you look at the market research...

I don't need to look at the market research.

I've lived with 13 and a half million housewives for 15 years.

I know everything about them. She's 37 years old.

She has 2.3 children, 1.6 of which will be girls.

She uses 16 feet six inches of toilet tissue a week

and fucks no more than 4.2 times a month.

She has seven radiators and is worried about her weight,

which is why we have her on a diet.

And because we have her on a diet,

we also encourage her to reward herself with little treats,

and she deserves them.

Because anyone existing on 1,200 calories

of artificial, synthetic, orange-flavoured waffle a day

deserves a little treat.

"We know it's naughty, but you do deserve it.

"Go on, darling, swallow a bun."

And she does.

And the instant she does, the guilt cuts in.

So here we are again with our diet.

It's a vicious, but quite wonderful circle,

and it adheres to only one rule.

"Whatever it is, sell it."

If you want to stay in advertising, by God, you'd better learn that.

Bagley. Look, it's not in my nature to be a pain in the arse with such consistency.

It's being forced on me. I just had them on the phone.

They are phoning me back. I've got to give them something.

- Tell them it'll be wonderful. Hi, Harry. - All right?

I did. They're over the moon.

Apart from 15 calls a day wondering where the fuck it is, they couldn't be happier.

They're getting impatient. We promised them the animatic over a week ago.

I'll be frank with you, Bagley. I'm running out of bullshit.

- Try massaging your temples. - I've got to give them a date.

Either a date or you give me some idea of what you're coming up with.

I'm coming up with a brilliant advertisement for a very dull pimple cream.

Then why can't I take a look? Why can't I see something?

You know, just a storyboard or some roughs,

anything so as I can give them an idea of the direction you're going in.

No. I don't show work in progress.

- Any calls? - Mr Bristol called again, twice.

- I hope you told him I was out. - Yes, Mr Bagley. You were out.

- Good. If he calls again, I'm still out. - Bagley, you have got to give me a date.

All right, try Monday on him. And don't get so panicky.

Nobody ever remembers a late delivery, Richard. They only remember a bad one.

Boil busters. The boil busters.

Your face can be a battleground.

You need something tough.

Jesus.

What do they want another pimple cream for?

The market's saturated.

There's a lot of boils out there, Bagley.

"Nobody cares as much about your skin as you do,

"but we do try.

"And because we care,

"we went to an expert -

"Mother Nature -

"and we discovered that sometimes, the most effective way

"of dealing with those troublesome little breakouts

"is Mother Nature's own richest source of Vitamin A.

"So we took essential oils

"of carrot, marigold seed...

"roots and other natural ingredients,

"and we packed this shit into every tube.

"We called it HP Megaventure.

"And if it doesn't work on your blackheads,

"you can spread the fucker on toast!"

Sorry to disturb you, Mr Bagley,

but Mr Bristol's on the line again.

- Tell him I'm out again. - He says he knows you're not.

He says he knows you're avoiding him and he says he insists on a time to see you.

Oh, for Christ's sake, give me a break.

All right, tell him this afternoon. Four o'clock this afternoon.

- And get my wife on the phone. - Yes, Mr Bagley.

"Hi. My name's Barbara Simmons,

"and I'm a biochemist.

"But at night, I'm a woman,

"and I want my skin to be at its best.

"So I recommend a new product.

"It's called...

"whatever the fuck it's called,

"and I use whatever the fuck it is

"because I know it works.

"And I should know,

"because I make it."

Mrs Bagley on line one.

What do you want!

Yes, I'm sorry, darling. I know I did.

Listen, I don't think I'm gonna make it back tonight.

I'm gonna blitz it.

Oh, no, fine, fine. It's going fine.

It's just, the deadline's getting serious.

Really?

Well, we could meet for lunch, celebrate my breakthrough.

OK, one o'clock.

- You're chain-smoking, darling. - I know I am. I know I am.

I'd like another vodka martini, dry as a bone, twist, no olive.

Spritzer, please.

I tell you, Julia, I'm out of my mind.

I'm getting nowhere. Zero.

Stop getting so wound up about it. It'll come.

And please put that cigarette out. That's three in ten minutes.

Darling, why don't you forget it a minute? Take the afternoon off.

- I can't. I've got to see Bristol. - You're not gonna be much use.

Oh, that's where you're wrong, Julia.

That's what's so insane about all this. Anything else, I'm fine.

Any other part of the human body, I'll sell it something.

Give me a bald head, and I'll sell it shampoo.

- I cannot get a handle on the boils. - Pass me the butter, please, darling.

The moment I think of a boil,

my mind slips into a sort of dreadful, oily neutral.

I just sit there, hour after hour,

chewing the ends off pencils, smoking myself daft.

- What exactly is this stuff? - It's a standard.

16 to 26-year-old acne attacker. It's a hexafluoride.

- Does it work? - No idea. It's probably junk.

Well, that's probably the problem.

If you knew it actually got rid of boils, you'd have no problem selling it.

Nobody in advertising wants to get rid of boils, Julia.

They're good little money spinners.

All we want to do is offer hope of getting rid of them. And that's where I'm blocked!

- Where's our drinks? - They're coming, sir.

Well, I really do think you should cancel Bristol and come home with me.

I can't. I've been cancelling him all week. Why can't we cancel this dinner?

I'm not in the mood for that mob.

If I had known we were having dinner, I'd never have suggested lunch.

We can have both. People do, darling.

- I suppose Wheelstock will be there. - Don't take it out on Penny.

Christ, what am I going to do?

Dennis, for goodness' sake, stop getting so paranoid.

Everything will be all right. You've had these sort of problems many times before.

- Not like this, I haven't. - Oh, yes you have.

You had a terrible time with piles.

I did not have a terrible time with piles.

I may have had a problem getting ahold of them,

- but selling them was a piece of cake. - You're raising your voice.

Compared to this, piles were a birthday present.

- So was dandruff. So was breath. - You're still raising your voice.

The whole lot taken together, including the fucking lawnmowers,

is as nothing compared to the pimples, acne and boils!

I don't want to go back in there.

Don't worry about it. Don't think about boils.

If a boil pops up, force yourself to think of something else.

- OK. - And don't go near your office.

Just see Bristol and come home.

- Are you sure you can't wait for me? - Sorry, I can't, darling.

Get Bristol on the line and tell him I'm coming in to see him now.

Yeah. Have him call me later.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Bagley. I didn't expect you till four o'clock.

- Here, take a look at this. - What is it?

It's a photostat of an arse from a copying machine.

- Don't recognise it, do you? - Not offhand, no.

You gave the juniors a bit of a tongue-lashing yesterday.

- Really? - Said you went over the top.

I haven't got time to give lessons in advertising.

They asked my opinion, and I gave it.

In my opinion, they'd completely missed the brief.

I think you're probably right. Not now, Sheila.

As a matter of fact, I think you helped them out. About 15 minutes.

Anyway. That's not actually what I wanted to talk about.

How are we getting on with the pimple cream?

Five minutes.

Is it special? 555-0472.

- Sensational. - Can you give me a verbal peek?

- You know me, John. I'd rather not. - That's what I thought.

No, Los Angeles 555-0472.

I'm very pleased to hear it, because I'll tell you frankly,

they were on the phone this morning, threatening to pull the account.

Anyone but you and they would.

It's finished. Just a fine-tune. I'll be through over the weekend.

Can we diarise on that?