Inside No. 9

_

Are you allowed to do that?

What do you mean?

Put nails in the wall.

We can do what we like, babe. We own it.

Oh, yeah.

I can't quite believe it.

I can't believe we got 100 grand off the asking price.

But, then again, under the circumstances...

Don't, Sam.

I don't want to think about it.

So does that make us grown-ups now?

We'll be having dinner parties.

Talking about catchment areas next.

- Well, maybe we should. - What?

Might be nice to invite the neighbours round.

Have a bit of a flat warming.

- Nah. - Why not?

I don't want people treating it like a guided tour.

"Let's go and look round that serial killer's flat."

Bea, it's not a serial killer's flat, OK?

It was one dismembered body...

that they know of.

What?!

I'm kidding! Look, it was a long time ago.

They replaced all the numbers, I'm sure no-one really remembers.

I'll remember it.

I'll remember it every time I'm in that bath

where there's been a body chopped up.

Nah, they replaced the bath. The agent said.

- Oh, and you now believe what estate agents say, do you? - I believe

we've got a quarter of a million pound flat at half the price.

- What time are you back? - About half four.

I hate it when you work nights.

Yeah, me too. That's when mistakes happen.

Like poor Mr Hargreaves last night.

They actually told me to prick his boil.

Sam...!

I'll see you later.

Oh, for God's sake.

Beattie, what's wrong?

We need to move.

Yeah.

Yeah, that would be great.

Thank you.

Right, they're going to try and get in touch with the previous owner,

see if he can shed any light.

Babe, I'm sure it's just because you're unsettled.

You know, thinking about the whole unpleasantness.

You are susceptible...

I know what I saw, Sam!

I didn't put the Hoover on the table and you certainly didn't

because you've never touched it in your life!

Right, well, we've done what we can.

Ok?

I'm tired. I'm going to go for a shower.

And, uh, don't worry - if blood starts coming out of it,

I promise we can move. OK?

Hello?

Hello.

I'm David Sowerbutts, and I used to live here.

- Are you sure you don't want a cup of tea? - No, thank you.

Do you have a smoothie?

No.

I haven't done a big shop yet.

Not long moved in, as you can see.

My mum used to make me smoothies with a machine.

A blender?

No, her name was Maureen.

She used to live here, too.

These were her eyes.

Sorry?

She used to dress up and do impressions.

Party nights, that sort of thing.

She used these for Tina Turner.

Right.

Well, it's very strange.

They've just appeared in the hallway.

I hate to ask, but...

did your mother pass away in this flat?

She did, yes.

But I don't like to remember her that way.

I remember her being full of life.

We got on really well.

We were more than flatmates.

Well, you were mother and son.

Oh, yeah, that as well.

Is that all of it?

I think it's dry now.

I know it is.

We took an interest in each other's hobbies.

Mum liked to play the Bontempi.

I liked learning about serial killers.

Did I meow like a cat when I was arrested?

- No. - Right, so I'm not Jeffrey Dahmer. Your go.

Did I kill a family member?

- Yep. - Wife?

Yeah, you're warm.

John Reginald Halliday Christie?

No. Dr Crippen. I win.

Crippen's not a serial killer.

He only killed his wife. It's nothing.

Yeah, don't be a bad loser, David. You were close.

They've both got bald heads and round glasses.

Who was I, anyway?

Ed Gein! I should have asked, "Did I dance around in the moonlight

with a silver vagina on me face?"!

She sounds...

..lovely.

She was. We were very happy here.

But, then, one day, I found out she'd caught cancer.

- I'm sorry. - Well, it's not your fault!

She was very brave about it.

There.

Now, I've cut you a little bit behind your ear,

- but it'll scab over. - Thanks, Mum.

You're going to have to learn how to do all these things for yourself

when I'm gone.

- Don't say that. - Well, you will.

What did your scoutmaster used to say to you?

Don't tell anyone.

Yeah... Not that.

Be prepared.

You need to be equipped with essential life skills.

I am!

Left, right, stalagmites, stalactites, cos mites crawl up and tights hang down.

OK, that's good, but there are other things.

You've got to be able to feed yourself.

I'll have a flask of beans.

Oh, you need more than that. I'll leave you my recipes.

You can do carbonara - which is spaghetti hoops in salad cream

with a bag of Frazzles mixed in.

And, for pudding, you can have me New York cheesecake -

Dairylea triangle on a digestive.

I don't want you to go.

I know you don't, David.

And I don't want to go.

Let's hope it's a long way off, eh?

But it wasn't.

I wish I could kill Death.

Then he wouldn't be able to kill you.

You can't have a world without Death, David.

He finds you in the end.

"One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and death shall be no more.

Death, thou shalt die."

Did you just make that up?

No, John Donne.

It's "John did", David.

_

It's "John did".

Without Mum, things were harder than I thought.

She was right.

I wasn't equipped with many life skills.

But luckily I had a friend who came to look after me.

Hello, David. I brought you a smoothie.

- Mango? - Yeah.

Thank you.

I met Emily at my job doing Murder Mystery Evenings.

We bonded over our shared passion for Jack the Ripper.

- Nichols, Tabram, Chapman... - No, no, no.

Martha Tabram was not considered one of the canonical five!

Oh, yeah. So, Nichols, Chapman,

NCSEK!

Nichols, Chapman, Stride, Eddowes, Kelly NCSEK!

That's it.

You are so clever, David.

Thank you.

I know, let's both say our favourite victim after three.

One...

two...

three...

Mary Kelly!

I need a wee.

Would you like to come with me?

Yes, please.

She encouraged me to make a fresh start and move on with my life.

I came to realise that, with Emily, I was filling a hole where Mum had been.

Excuse me, do you have any Wagon Wheels?

No. Sorry.

Well, it doesn't matter. I just like them.

So did Emily move in here, then?

Yes.

For a while, everything was fine, and then...

it all started to go wrong.

David?

Just going to the shops.

Haven't seen my keys, have you? Agh!

What's going on?

Why have you got my mum's brooch?

It was in my bag.

If you want to keep any of her things, I don't mind.

Not bothered.

Well, I noticed you brought that back.

I didn't.

It's OK, David. I understand.

Your mother was a big part of your life.

I can see why you wouldn't want to let her go.

See you tonight.

What are you doing getting rid of all my things?

Mum?!