8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Sean Lock,

Jon Richardson,

Miles Jupp,

Rose Matafeo,

Vic Reeves,

Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley

and your host, Jimmy Carr.

Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

It's the late-night numbers quiz for people that like to

slip in a few digits before bedtime.

OK, let's meet tonight's players.

First up, it's Sean Lock.

Thank you.

Sean is 55 years old, or as he likes to call it,

three shillings and sixpence.

And joining Sean tonight, we've got Miles Jupp.

Hello.

Miles went to an all-boys boarding school.

I assume.

Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson.

Jon Richardson - he's duller than the pain I feel in my left testicle.

And Jon's team-mate, it's Rose Matafeo.

When Rose won the Edinburgh Comedy Award,

the New Zealand Prime Minister sent her a congratulatory tweet.

That's the New Zealand Prime Minister for ya - busy, busy, busy.

Rose, it's your first time on the show.

Are you good at the numbers, are you good at the maths?

Erm, when I was younger I had a real good sense of maths

and English and then the internet was invented, er,

and then I kind of got a bit distracted,

so I have no skills when it comes to adding or words.

Erm, so... No.

Er... I think you're gonna fit right in.

Are you happy to be on a team with Jon?

I am so happy to be on a team with Jon.

I am over the moon. He is a loving father, a good husband

and he regularly donates to charity...

Was that what you wanted me to say?

That was good.

I think it sort of came across a bit like I was YOUR dad.

I know, it didn't it? It did, yeah.

I shouldn't have opened with "loving father".

Jon, what would people be surprised to hear about you, Jon?

I imagine they'd be surprised to hear I've got a tattoo.

I haven't, but...

It'd be a hell of a surprise, wouldn't it? Imagine that.

I'm wearing odd socks.

I'm not, again, imagine the gasps.

I'm respected by my peers.

I'm not, but...

..imagine if I said it.

I don't wanna surprise people.

Come and see Jon Richardson,

you want a tedious man in a cardigan to whinge until you leave

and feel better about the life you left behind when you came here.

Sean, you're a collector of things.

Do you collect anything?

Wh-where have you heard this from?

There are... there are rumours that you collect things.

Have you been in my house?

No, I used to collect stuff, but I'm actually the opposite now.

I'm what you'd call a...

I think people call it uncluttering.

Er, the council call it fly-tipping.

Getting rid of stuff, getting rid of stuff... Right.

..to a point where that becomes an obsession as well.

I got rid of all the tables, the chairs and tables in our house.

We, as a family, eat at five lecterns...

..cos obviously the sloped surface means there's no soup or stew.

Peas. Even sprouts are tricky.

Custard, no.

Mostly we just stand at lecterns eating bananas.

But, er, yeah, I used to collect stuff like crazy.

I used to collect, you know those life-saving rings, you know?

In public places.

You know, where you see a pond or, you know, a harbour,

cos they have the name, they have the name of the place.

Right. No, it's a keepsake.

If they don't want it to be stolen,

they shouldn't make them so easy to take off.

That's what I think.

Yeah, it's a good point.

Miles, you and Sean have been on a winning streak recently.

What makes you such a good team?

Well, what does make us a good team?

We've got chemistry, I think.

Oh, absolutely sizzling, yeah.

We're like... we're like two snuggled-up fajitas.

But I suppose, yeah, really, it's probably down,

we've sort of similar backgrounds, similar interests.

Mm. Yeah.

And we've got the same hobbies, haven't we?

We both like, er, drinking and fighting. Yeah, we do.

It's like seeing a mirror talk to itself. It's amazing.

And what about mascots? Jon, have you got a mascot?

I've noticed over recent time period, erm,

a rise in the sort of sale of these sort of things.

I get given a lot of them.

Sort of witty messages written on bits of wood

that are supposed to make you feel better about life.

And what really annoys me about them, they sort of hint at quite

bleak comedy, that when you analyse them, the basic message is that men

go into sheds and masturbate quietly on their own,

and women just clock-watch until they can drink enough gin

to escape their miserable lives.

So, I thought in these troubled times,

why not get in on that market?

And my messages are slightly pithier,

they're slightly more to the point,

and they're all written in an ecological angle

on things that I've found washed up on my local beach at Blackpool.

Some of them aren't finished yet, so this is one I'm still working on.

It says...

This one is...

Oh, you're having one of those weeks, are you? Yeah!

Ah. More and more, would you believe.

Best to keep it private. That's my advice, mate.

This is a number of things I've gathered from the beach and

this is both an ecological message

and it's a message about trying to find love in our times

and it's entirely made from condoms that have washed up.

I've written it.

It spells out in the condoms, you can see that,

"There are actually fewer fish in the sea thank you think."

And that's both a message about the fleeting nature of love,

which is why I've used the condoms as the medium for this piece,

and, of course, because the condoms

are choking the wildlife of our seas,

so it's both a literal message about the fact that

if you're gonna use a condom,

and you absolutely should, just...

And I don't really know what you do with them.

Swallow 'em. Swallow them?

Swallow 'em, straight away afterwards.

Like a chewy oyster.

It's incredible the things you find on the beach

and I can't believe the things people throw away.

So, this is my biggest piece,

and this is a sort of wider message about the time we live in.

This is called Time

and this is something I've found on Blackpool beach last week.

Nobody claimed it.

I watched for about an hour, erm, nobody came,

and I think... It hasn't moved, so I assume it's for sale,

so 50 quid or something for that if anyone's, erm, interested.

What does it say on it?

It says, "We are all". That's the, er, gentleman.

"We are all." It's quite beautiful.

Oh, he's alive.

I thought you were, erm...

Rose, have you got a mascot?

Yeah, well, it's my first time on the show.

I feel nervous, so I wanted to relax.

I'm a massive crocheter, so I've bought my crochet in today

and I'm hoping to finish a blanket by the end of the show.

Can you crochet, Jimmy?

Can you? No.

I can do it with my eyes closed now. Do you want me to show you?

Yeah, go on.

One crochet, and the crowd can verify if this is actually crochet.

So, I'm doing a chain here, another chain,

and then we're going in here, into this hole, around,

and we're doing a double crochet through these and then through here.

Did I do it? Yeah, perfect, there, so...

I'm gonna be working on that.

That is some... some nice crocheting you've got there.

It's quite good and I love crochet because it means that

I don't have to make direct eye contact with people.

Miles, have you got a mascot?

Er, I do actually, yeah. It is related to this, er, this bell here.

Something I've become involved in recently, it's essentially a sort

of charity, it's about giving less advantaged people opportunities

and what I do is I ring this bell and then this happens.

See, what this is, this is Ian here and Ian's got a trolley, you see,

cos what am I training you up to be, Ian?

A beef waiter.

Oh. To serve Mr Jupp his beef.

If you could... That's right just across there. Perfect.

It's a good system, isn't it, Ian? It's good.

Yeah, I'm learning a valuable skill. He's learning a very valuable skill.

And it benefits both of us, I would say, because Ian

is not long out of prison.

He was in prison, it was something to do with a donkey.

Don't. He stole it or he mistreated it or he rode it

where he shouldn't have done, and, erm...

Plate, always the plate, remember? Thanks.

I'm gonna need a knife and fork.

That's right. Thank you.

Is that enough?

That is... Two more pieces.

I'll bring, I'll bring...

Just gently. Right, that is quite a big... Did you cut...?

Christ, Ian.

I'll give you a little one.

Just a little one, there we go. For garnish.

Thank you very much indeed, Ian.

That's a good start to the evening, I think. Thank you.