Whisky Galore

'They say our little island's named after a love-sick princess,

'who flung herself from the Skerrydoo.

'This craggy outcrop has long played its part in the island's fortunes -

'and will again.'

Come on, now. Hurry up.

'Like my father before me and my grandfather before him,

'I took over as the island postmaster at the young age of 22.

'Now, I have two daughters, Peggy and Catriona,

'and I'm beginning to think they expect more from life than Todday's post office.'

- (Man) Good morning, Catriona! - Good morning, George.

God, is there no end to it?

Come on children, down to the edge.

'Being so remote, the fight with Hitler has hardly touched the island,

'but this week the war finally came to Todday.'

Yes, you cut a fine-looking man in uniform, Angus.

Aye, well, thank you for that.

It's loose around the waist and trousers...

Gentlemen...

My quota is finished.

There is no more whisky.

The island is dry.

Aye, aye.

It's been a terrible war, right enough.

No more whisky! Ah!

I must be staggering from the memory of it.

'Whisky, the water of life

'and to a true islander, life without it is not worth living.'

'Air raids on the capital continue unabated,

'as London pluckily endures the nightly hammering from Goering's bombers...'

- Here. - Oh.

'...docklands in Glasgow, Liverpool and Teesside remain on full alert.

- 'On a lighter note...' - Oh, no, girls, girls, girls.

A man has one day without a dram and such is the shock to his system he is felled.

But surely Winston Churchill will come to our rescue

and mention us on the wireless when he hears about our drought.

I can only think he has not so far

because his cabinet have advised him to avoid panic in the streets.

It is like a curse from God himself.

And every bit as terrifying as the toll of the bell calling all souls to repent

on the day of doom.

You'll not be leaving George, before you see himself planted?

I must get home to Mother.

- This day has brung a terrible shock. - Nothing but tea!

Whatever you do children, do it quietly.

Is it true about the whisky, sir?

Bang, bang!

To think I should be hearing from other persons that my own son,

my very own son, has proposed marriage!

Why was I kept in the dark about your deviant thoughts?

What would have been the use in upsetting you?

So you knew it would upset me?

You knew it and yet you charged on all the same, thinking only of yourself.

You've always only ever thought of yourself.

I have. I have. I've been... I've been very selfish.

But mother if, if I do bring Catriona to tea, will you please be nice to her?

The day you bring Catriona Macroon into this house, I'll walk out!

Lipstick and cigarettes, it leads to the parting of us.

It's not in a widowed man to bring up girls.

Aye, well, daughters are a handful, right enough.

Aye. Smoke away girls, smoke away.

Hey? To hell with poverty!

Fling another pea in the soup, I'll manage fine.

Here, in the wide Atlantic ocean,

sit the lovely Scottish islands of the Outer Hebrides.

A hundred miles to the east lies the mainland,

and to the west of us, there is nothing except America.

You wonder what a beauty of a man like that sees in the likes of her

that he would throw away the chance to be king.

And her with a face like a draw-string purse too.

- What do they have in common? - They have a friend, Mr Hitler, in common.

Some funny friends some people have.

Catriona's, er...?

Catriona, it's, erm, about tea and Mother. She won't, erm...

If I'm not good enough to come to tea at your house

then I'm not good enough to marry you.

Well you see, Catriona, it came as a bit of a shock to her.

Mother would think the same about any girl.

Any girl? Well if I'm just "any girl" to you,

you will be just "any man" to me.

And anyway, how are we to have a wedding when there is no whisky?

Your sergeant will wonder where you are, Peggy.

- I suppose it is normal to feel afraid. - Afraid?

I'm not.

Good luck, sister.

Nice to have you visit us again.

So it'll be the two years you've been away now?

Africa, Alamein. Captain, there were times when it was bad.

It was only the thought of this little island

and my Peggy that kept the spirit up.

And I believe you are to whip the Home Guard ship-shape.

You can start with the man in charge.

Your Captain Waggett thinks he is Montgomery.

Their quota's been cancelled.

Tell them there is no more whisky.

No.

Captain Waggett!

Captain McKechnie, as you well know, it is my duty to make sure this island

is at a full state of defence and readiness at all times.

How can I defend this island when my cartridges do not fit my rifles?

Aye, that would be awkward for you, right enough.

It's this kind of slapdashery that ended up with the fall of France.

I now hear from Ordinance I cannot get my .303 ammunition

until you take back this case of .300!

Ah, Captain, sorry I am,

- but that I cannot do. - Why the hell not, man?

Had I known that ammunition was actual explosives,

I would never have brought the boxes of 300s in the first place.

- Can I be of any help, sir? - Sergeant Odd, welcome back.

Er, no, thank you. I have got this completely under control.

How would it do for you, Captain Waggett, if I took back your 303 rifles

and you kept the 300 ammunition?

Then you could ask Ordinance to send you the 300 rifles,

- so that you could use them together. - Not at all, man.

I'd rather have rifles and no ammunition than ammunition and no rifles.

God!

Can this man be as stupid as he appears to be? He drives a large boat after all.

I think it's just a bit of banter, sir, in an islander sort of way. A bit of fun.

Really? I wonder what it is he finds so amusing. Hey, you!

Street mutt, no, no. Get out of there.

Beg pardon, sir. If I may make a suggestion.

We could leave the ammunition at Macroon's post office

and then use the telephone to take it up with headquarters directly.

- Mr Macroon? - Aye, Mr Waggett.

Yes, very good. 24-hour guard, mind.

- Of course, sir. - Around the clock.

- Yes, sir. - Arrange it.

It's not you. It's the whisky drought.

People used to be so friendly.

There has spread throughout this island

a contagion of lassitude, half-heartedness,

and in some extreme cases, I would go as far as to say unwarranted snarling.

With some men wandering the hills

hallucinating from dehydration and shouting at the sky.

Aye, Donald, a drought is a tragedy to behold.

It's hardly an outbreak of dengue fever, Peggy.

You're right, Odd.

It's worse.

Identify yourself. Which one are you, friend or foe?

Father, I've just been out walking with Sergeant Odd

and thinking, if he and I were to...

Well, we would only be separated by a wee bit of geography

- Oh, shush now, Peggy. - He's a bit shy of you.

For as you well know, Father, cats jump up trees when they see you coming.

Minister, I was just coming to see you.

Ah!

Return of the conquering hero! Glad to have you back amongst us.

I've come for your blessing and to ask your advice about how to approach Macroon.

Well...

Joseph can be slippery, right enough.

Here.

- Nice enough wine. - Aye. It's the altar wine

from Father O'Neil's chapel up the street.

- If you don't mind, Minister, I won't. - No, no. You're quite right.

Be a terrible thing to go through the North Africa campaign unscathed

then be felled by an Italian grape.

But me, I'm fearless.

Now, you see, Macroon's just sore because of an imagined martyred loneliness.

I'll have a word with him and if you'd like to leave a wee deposit

for the wedding service, cash will be fine.

Thank you.

Mrs Campbell?

Your George will soon enough be my George,

and I will not be sharing him.

You will no longer control George or interfere in anything he does,

or use your sanctimonious Bible-beating as blackmail to his mild nature.

No more.

Right, now, men.

As you know, Hitler is at this very moment with his Nazi hordes

just over there in Norway.

Imagine if Hitler decides to invade England

by way of our little island of Todday.

Ergo, we must be able to set up a roadblock at a moment's notice.

- Carry on, Sergeant. - All right, men, let's get to it.

Fall out!

One point did strike me, sir.

As this is only a little island and this the only road around it,

in theory, all Hitler would need to do would be to turn around at this barricade

and approach from the other side.

Yes, I was wondering when you were going to notice that.

And I wondered when you were going to notice that, Corporal.

But I reasonably thought it was just an exercise, sir.

Well, it's easy enough to put it right, sir. You just want another one.

Over there, sir. The, er, other side of the island.

Correct answer.

- Arrange it, Corporal. - Yes, sir.

What is this insanity?

It is a roadblock, is what it is, Doctor.

- Well, damn well unblock it! - No, that I cannot do.

You could be the panzer division invading England by way of Scotland.

Ah, I see, I see.

Waggett! Waggett!

Does this Alvis look like a tank to you, Waggett?

Have you indeed ever seen a tank, Waggett?

There is a war on, sir.

This is a Home Guard exercise and every vehicle must be stopped and searched.

Well, I will be most obliged if you'd kindly make an exception in my case.