Mike & Molly

Previously on Mike & Molly...

- Oh, I got in. - Well, what is going on with you?

The Iowa Writers Workshop.

I've been accepted into their summer writing program.

Wait a minute. Are you good at this writing thing?

I'll be living my dream in Iowa for eight weeks.

- How are you gonna ruin that, Peggy? - Eight weeks?

- Does Mike know about all this? - Damn it, you always find a way.

- I have some exciting news. - More for her than you.

Shh!

What is going on?

I've been accepted into one of the most prestigious

writing programs in the country

Honey, that's great!

In Iowa.

- It's an opportunity of a lifetime... - Well, I'm sure it is.

I can't believe you did this whole deal

without even talking to me about it.

- Well, we're talking about it now. - No, you're telling me.

Talking about it would be, "Honey, I'm thinking about applying

for an out-of-state workshop for a couple months.

You okay with that?"

Are you okay with that?

Why didn't you tell me?

Just figured I was never gonna get in.

I was too embarrassed to even talk about it.

Lady, you have no idea how great you are.

Smart and talented. Hm?

And you can do anything that you set that mind to.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm leaving you here with the lunatics.

- The Taser's working, right? - Yeah.

How long has Fido been waiting for his master?

About an hour.

Ever since Molly called from Naperville when she stopped for gas.

He got so excited, I'm surprised he hasn't piddled.

What's that, boy? You hear something?

Leave him alone.

This is the first time I've seen him on his hind legs since she left.

Poor thing. He's been real sad without Molly.

Celibacy will do that to a man. That's why monks are so quiet.

If you're not getting any, what's there to talk about?

He must have been a mute before he met Molly.

No, there were girls.

I mean, he'd lose a few pounds, get his heart broken,

then come crawling back into the arms of his best gal.

The fact that his fridge isn't full of women's heads is a miracle.

She's here! She's here!

There she is!

Oh, my God! I missed you all so much!

Oh, not as much as I missed you because I have been here with them.

All right, leave some for the rest of us.

- I missed this face. - Oh.

It felt like you were gone for months.

Yeah, I actually was. Oh, come here. Come here.

Clear the way. Step-papa coming through.

All right, all right.

How great does this feel? I ain't never letting go.

- All right, let go. - Okay.

- Peggy. - You look tired.

It's weird, but I actually missed that.

Come on, sit down, we want to hear all about the writing program.

All right, well, it was a doozy.

Well, for eight intense weeks,

I was surrounded by brilliant novelists

and poets and playwrights.

It sounds wonderful.

No, it was awful. They hated my writing.

- Oh, honey. I'm sorry. - No, don't be.

The more they hated it, the more it drove me.

I dug deep, I found my voice.

I bet you have a beautiful voice.

No. Turns out my voice has the mouth of a sailor.

- Dirty? - Filthy.

I know I've written some racy short stories in the past,

but this new stuff takes the cake.

Actually, in the second chapter, I wrote this thing with cake.

It's disgusting.

She gets it from me.

You never think they're listening, but they're little sponges.

You know, I mean, it started out so innocently enough.

Just kind of a romantic little story about two lonely people

who meet in Chicago.

- Oh, that's us. - Oh, God, no.

- No? - No!

No, we are nothing like these animals.

No morals, no boundaries.

Just two people who are willing to stop at nothing

until they satisfy their carnal desires.

Oh, that's a spicy blurb.

Well you know what, that's what the publisher said

when he bought my book!

The school sent out samples.

And out of the piles of pretentious fire,

my hot, throbbing phoenix rose!

- You sold a book! - I sold a book!

Son of a bitch!

Ripped By mstoll

Oh.

That was worth the wait.

So, can I see it again?

I already showed it to you.

Come on, I like looking at it.

God, you're insatiable.

Wow, unreal.

Oh, it's real.

Now I just have to actually finish writing the book.

They paid you before you finished?

Tried that with a plumber once. Never again.

- Unbelievable. - I know.

You know, when you quit teaching to become a writer, I got to admit...

...I'm not gonna admit. - No, tell me, tell me.

Well, it's just I've always known that you were talented,

but, like, you know, pay-for-groceries talented.

Not kiss-my-ass-Citibank talented.

I know, I didn't think I could do it, either.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

I felt like a total fraud since day one.

Thank God we never talked about this honestly.

Yeah, or else we wouldn't have this, huh?

Well, here's to us both pretending we believed in me.

To love, honor and deceive.

You know I couldn't have done this without you.

What are you talking about?

I mean, sure, I was your sexual muse.

No.

I'm talking about you supporting me,

even when this whole writing thing seemed like a stupid pipe dream.

Yeah, I do come out of this smelling pretty good, don't I?

Like a big, handsome daisy.

You think you could look at me the way you're looking at that check?

Gladly. You ready for the sequel?

You got another one in you?

We'll let the critics decide.

Oh, writer in session.

I was gonna get a snack. Should I come back later?

No, it's fine.

- Can I make you a snack? - Nope.

- Tea? - I'm good!

Is the lighting okay in here? You want a floor lamp?

- Vince! - Mom!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay. Okay.

I wanna make sure my golden goose has a nice nest to write in.

I'm still the exact same person I was before.

I just have a little bit more money.

A lot more money.

Which, in America, makes you better than everybody else.

Oh, my Lord! Mol, this book!

The stuff at the farm?

I guess when you introduce a milking machine in Chapter One,

you got to use it.

I still can't believe you went off to this fancy writing program

and came out with porno gold.

It's not porno.

It's an exploration of sexuality for the everyday woman

who doesn't get to see herself reflected in an adult romance novel.

- Molly. - It's not porno. It's empowering.

It's saying that all women deserve to experience physical intimacy

and explore their deepest, darkest fantasies.

- Molly! - All right, it's a little porno...

...I mean, it's written well.

There are good life lessons there, you know, between the orgies.

Hey, you want to make this a best-seller?

Laminate it, so a lady can read it in the tub.

You know what? That's actually not a bad idea.

Hey, what do you say we go out and celebrate,

and spend some of this dirty money?

Sounds good. I'll Saran Wrap this and finish it in the bath later.

Oh, did you decide who's gonna play you in the movie?

Once again, the character is not me.

I don't know. Probably Renée Zellweger.

I'm telling you, Carl.

You can't imagine the relief I felt last night.

Well, sure. Your wife was gone for eight weeks.

You had quite a full sack there, Santa.

- Not that. - Oh.

I'm talking about the money.

Molly's advance almost gets us completely out of debt.