Kick-Ass 2

A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.

Hey, woah, absolutely not. No.

Look, if you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it.

- Okay, good, I don't want to do it. - Fine.

Goddamn!

I'm alive!

That's amazing!

I know, right? So...

- You ready to go again? - Absolutely not.

Fine.

Don't just say "fine", and then shoot me in the chest. 'Cause it's not cool.

Like, at all.

Okay! Jeez.

. : KICK - A S S 2.

I always wondered why no one tried to be a superhero before me.

It turns out somebody had. Mindy Macready.

After her dad died, his old partner on the force, Marcus, became her guardian.

- Nice backpack. -Thanks.

Steal it from a six-year old?

Marcus dropped her off everyday.

And as soon as he was gone, so was she.

No one in school found out 'cause she hacked into the server

and gave herself the award for perfect attendance.

Hit-Girl and Big Daddy had been the real deal.

Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask, as long as there are criminals to take down.

But no matter how many drug dealers she's stopped...

She couldn't stop feeling alone.

Me? I've given up being a superhero 'cause it was way too dangerous.

The only problem? I was dying of boredom.

Like most high school seniors, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

Hell, I didn't know what channel I wanted to watch.

It's just TV, Dave, not peace in the middle east.

My best friends Todd and Marty have no clue

I was the first superhero to go public.

Did you guys watch Spider-Man last night?

- Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard? - Not if you're a granny slammer.

They may wear costumes but it isn't Halloween. They're real life superheroes.

In the two years since the first ordinary citizens donned capes and masks,

the movement has started to spread.

I became a superhero because of Kick-Ass.

Yeah, you just come home from work, you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.

Help us make the streets safe.

I inspired all those people to get off their asses.

And now I was stuck on mine.

So that night after dinner, I decided to get my own costume out.

- I'm sorry. - Woah! Can't you knock?

- Y'know, buddy, it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself. - Jesus, Dad, get out!

If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

Hey!

Hey, can we chat?

Please, Mindy.

Get in the cab. The meter's running.

I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin.

- Nobody wants to be Robin. - What's wrong with Robin?

- Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin? - Robin wishes he was me.

What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.

- I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League. - So, train me.

I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero.

Aren't you tired of being on your own?

Don't you wanna know someone's there for you?

Someone who's got your back.

- And you'll do anything I say. - Anything.

Hit me.

You're a fifteen- year-old girl---

What the hell?

Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.

Oh, God.

Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks.

Come on, guard up! Left, right.

Guard up!

Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell.

In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose.

- What's happened to your face? - Nothing.

Like we were driving towards something.

That's amazing!

All the other people putting on masks were just playing superhero.

We were training to really do it.

I couldn't tell my girlfriend Katie, or Marty and Todd.

But I didn't care. We're having too much fun.

Left, right, left.

Our own superhero team.

This is gonna be balls.

What the hell, mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?

- Yes, yes, I did, Christopher. - That was the one with Kick-Ass!

Christopher, you've got to stop obsessing over this superhero!

He's not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer.

He blew up Dad with a bazooka, for fuck's sake!

Your father died in a fire.

A fire? What is your problem?

You! You are my problem.

I am trying to raise you to be a, a normal boy.

That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.

A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch.

- This conversation, is over. - Great! Then I'm leaving.

Come on, Javier, be cool.

Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool.

I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner!

You threw away my Red Mist costume, God!

I am not the problem, you are! I-wish-you-were-dead!

Mommy?

- Don't touch that. - I'm sorry, what is it?

It's a last resort. Like, if all else fails and you're about to die.

Are you not scared? To die?

Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?

I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night? It could happen.

If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain. You are going to die.

My Daddy was never afraid of dying.

Look where that got him.

He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day.

And that's why he made me promise I'd never stop defending this city.

Cross my heart.

Hope to die.

Your dad was insane. You know that, right?

You're wrong, Dave. My Daddy was the first real superhero.

Not you or Red Mist. It was my Daddy.

And it was an honor to serve by his side.

- Hey, Mind, how was school? - Super crazy.

Miss Mullins was out today so we had Mr. Cooper teach us Biology. Such a grump.....

Oh, really, that's weird, because Principal Emhoff called me yesterday.

Yeah, you were supposed to get an award for perfect attendance but, you didn't attend.

I followed you this morning. I saw you get into a cab

with some boy and I lost you guys over the bridge.

So now you wanna tell where you really were today?

I'm really sorry, Marcus, I don't wanna make...

Cut the waterworks, Mind. You're fifteen, not five.

Okay.

Look, he asked me to cut class and go to the mall. So, yeah. Yeah, I did.

This has nothing to do with you being Hit-Girl?

I'm not gonna find any, ninja blades, or throwing stars under your bed?

No. I just wanted him to like me, okay?

Sweetie, you know skipping school is not a way to get boys to like you.

- I'm so stupid. - Hey, hey...

You're one of the smartest little girls I know.

Let's go get some pizza.

- Why, you mean I'm not grounded? - Well, just, consider this a warning.

Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away?

What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff?

Damn, she had a nice pair of guns.

Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits!

- I was talking about these. - Oh, those. Those were my Dad's.

Why don't you keep them?

- You sure? - Yeah. I mean they belong to you, right?

Come on, Chris. You're your own man now.

- Just, just be careful, alright? - Yeah.

- Definitely, definitely, don't wanna keep those! - No, no, I'll take care of it!

Take the day off. Later!

- Hey. - So...

You ready for your first field test?

- What am I supposed to do with these? - Put them on, and, uh, go fishing.

- I'm the whitest pimp ever. - That's the idea!

- Take your next right, comes out on Flatbush. - Are you sure I should be doing this without my gear?

That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume. Kick-Ass is who you really are.

Dave Lizewski is the mask.

Well, my mask is about to get its' teeth kicked in.

Hey, queer bait. Where you going with those bags, man?

Tell him you're on your way to fuck his mother with a Tobin strap-on.

I'm just taking a walk.

Really isn't what I do, I usually just call the cops.

Who are you talking to, man?

I'm just trying a call. There's, no, uh, service around here? .

This sucks, man. Give me the bags, faggot.

Before I make you suck my fat cock, huh?

Come on.

Can you believe I let Mindy beat the snot out of me for weeks

just so I can get my ass kicked again? So much for a team.

You ready to die, faggot?

You know, all the homophobic shit makes you sound super gay.

If I ever catch you robbing again, shitburger,

I'mma go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off.

- Promise me you're done with the life of crime? - I promise.

Pants on fire.

- What did you think? - I think you almost got me killed!

No, what did you think of my line? "Pants on fire". I wrote a whole bunch full--

Run! I'll tell them you saved me. Go!

Female suspect fleeing Flatbush. Under five feet, masked, armed with nunchucks and a sword.

- Hey, Mind. - Hey, Marcus, what's up?

I see you answered your phone. That means you're not in school.

I was, but I wasn't feeling so good. And so, the nurse decided to send me home.

Poor thing. Well, I'm almost home. I'll make you some soup and we can watch Jeopardy.

- Alright, I'll see you soon, okay? - All right.

Shit!

You got my soup?

Let me take your temperature first.

- You're really clammy. - I'll feel better after a nap-nap.

Close your eyes. Then I'll make you that soup.

Is that blood?

Damn it, Mindy. I can't do this anymore.

Your father was like a brother to me. He was a great cop and a hero.

But Big Daddy, that was not your father, okay? That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.

And this...

Hit-Girl. That's not who you are.

You are Mindy Macready.

You're just starting high school.

I understand that you don't know who that person is, yet, but you will. You just gotta try.

- I don't want to... - You don't know what you want. You can't. You're not an adult, not yet.

Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years than most adults have in their lifetime.

That note that your father gave you, the one you were supposed to open if anything ever happened to him.

- What did it say? - That you would take care of me.

And that you were supposed to listen to me, right?

Well, listen up. I want you in school, I want you to stop talking to that boy