The Wind in the Willows

After the weasels had been overthrown in the famous Battle of Toad Hall,

and Mr Toad was installed in his old home once more,

he invited his friends to a dinner

at which he promised to tell them more about his adventures.

The programme was familiar.

"Speech of welcome by Toad.

"Address... by Toad.

"Song...

“..by Toad.

"Composed by himself."

And some of the adventures seemed familiar, too,

though Toad always remembered things differently.

Toad said that there were at least a million weasels.

I'll give them "Down with Toad"! And in my own banqueting hall, too!

- Come on. - Hmm? Ah!

Always a Toad! Attack!

Toad said he was the very first info the attack

and he fell upon the enemy with a vengeance.

Woo-oo!

Toad did mention how courageously Ratty had fought the weasels

and how brave Mole knocked them for six.

And how Badger had just thumped them and bumped them and dumped them.

Ah... missed. Again.

But mostly he reminded them of how, while others did the actual fighting,

he, Mr Toad, had been in command of the battle.

A Toad! Always a Toa... aaaagh!

Of how he had chosen a position with a fine view of the action.

Behind you, Badger!

And how, in the nick of time,

he launched his fearless attack on the chief weasel,

which he had immortalised in song.

Last verse, I'm afraid.

Thank you. Thank you, my dear friends.

Thank you for your appreciation.

By the way, you might have seen this gift I'm sending to the jailer's daughter

with a graceful little note. Very well composed, you may agree.

Quite right, Toad. Well done.

Glad to see you showing proper gratitude.

Yes, Toady. Just think where you'd be if that terrible magistrate had had her way.

But Toad simply told them how clever he had been

- to steal the motor car. - Anything for a fellow motorist.

Oh, I say!

And how skilfully he'd driven it away.

Got out, he hopped in and away!

The chap's a damn frog. Oh, I say!

And what a witty thing he'd said to the policeman.

- Fat face! - Now then...!

"Now then..."

And how, when his case came to court,

he caused the magistrate such a difficulty.

To my mind, the only difficulty in this very clear case

is how to make it sufficiently hot for the incorrigible rogue

and hardened ruffian who we see cowering in the dock before us.

And Toad went on to tell his friends

that despite the terrible presence of the magistrate and forces of the law,

he had stood so proudly and so handsomely in the dock

while she made her closing address,

that the constables and even the owners of the stolen motor car were in doubt.

"Fat face"!

Mr Clerk, what is the stiffest, the very stiffest penalty

we can impose for each of these offences

without, of course, giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubt

because there isn't any?

Well, ma'am, you might give 12 months for the theft.

Which is mild.

And, uh, three years for furious driving.

Which is lenient!

And 15 years for the cheek, which was pretty bad sort of cheek.

Namely, calling him "Fat Face"!

Now, then...

- That adds up to... - 19 years!

19 years?!

And another year for being green!

20 years!

She didn't frighten me!

Ohh...

Oh, Badger.

Moley.

Oh, Ratty.

Oh, where are you?

I never lost my composure for an instant.

No sooner was I inside the jail than I was making plans for my escape.

There you are, daughter.

Toad went on to explain how he'd shown such heroism in his lonely dungeon

and how he'd refused absolutely to let a morsel of food pass his lips.

No.

Nothing!

Take it away.

I've brought you something I've made myself. Bubble and squeak.

Bubble and...

squeak?

It's piping hot.

Mmm.

The jailer's daughter was an excellent girl. I offered to let her help me escape.

- I have an aunt who's a washer woman. - Never mind. Think no more about it.

I have several aunts who...

Toad, do be quiet. My aunt Maude does all the washing in the jail.

People are used to her coming in and out and you're very much like her in build.

I am not!

I have a very elegant figure... for what I am.

So has my aunt for what she is. Here, try it on.

Ooh, you're not suggesting that I should disguise myself

as a washer woman?!

So I had the brilliant idea of disguising myself as a washer woman

and simply strolled out of the jail!

Night, Maude.

Good night, old chap.

Old chap?

Maude?

According to Toad's account,

he immediately put his brilliant escape plan info action.

Quick! After him!

Bring him back!

Naturally, such an important prisoner was bound to be missed.

Soon they were all in pursuit, but I simply stepped aboard a passing train!

Yes, yes, Toad. We know all that.

Ho ho! My dear Ratty, you haven't heard the half of it.

We have heard quite enough of your boastin', Toad.

Yes, of course.

All the same, I lead such a quiet life

and Toad's adventures, well, they are rather exciting, you know.

Come on, Badger. We'll hear the rest.

Ah, good. Well, there I was in my clever disguise,

but miles from home.

When what should I see but a barge?

Naturally, I was more than a match for the barge woman...

- A nice morning, ma'am. - I dare say it is a nice morning, ma'am,

to them that's not in sore trouble like what I am.

You see, my married daughter sends for me to come to her at once,

so off I goes, not knowing what may be a-happening.

- But fearing the worst, ma'am. - Where might your daughter be living?

She lives near a river

right beside a fine house called Toad Hall.

Toad 'all? Why, I'm going that way myself.

You come along in the barge with me.

Oh, much obliged to you, ma'am. I'm in the washing and laundry line.

And a very good business you have, too, I dare say,