The Baxter

Imagine that you're watching the end of one of those old romantic movies.

It's the story of a man and a woman who are destined to be together...

only they're divided by circumstances beyond their control.

We're now at the part where the leading lady has decided to marry the wrong guy.

He's nice, but he's wrong for her and everyone knows it...

everyone except for the groom himself.

It's kind of tragic when you think about it...

spending the rest of your life with someone you're not in love with.

Please be seated.

Good afternoon.

We are gathered here today to bring these two people together...

in holy matrimony...

Just as you think she's about to make...

the biggest mistake of her life...

...these two people being married...

please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Caroline!

...the leading man barges through the doors.

Bradley.

I got on a plane and I flew all the way back to Malta.

But then I realized something.

But did you ever wonder about the guy left at the altar? The wrong guy?

My grandmother had a word for those kind of guys: "nice guys. "

Old-fashioned guys. The kind of guys who wear sock garters.

Guys who get hay fever and like raking leaves.

The kind of guy you settle for because you can't be with the one you love.

She called them Baxters. Well, I'm a Baxter.

And this is my story.

It all started a year and a half ago on Monday...

my favorite day of the week.

That's when I met Caroline Swann.

And she was no ugly duckling, I might add.

- Please have a seat. - Thank you.

So, Miss Swann...

you know your father was my very first client.

He has an eye for talent.

So you work for Manhattan Style magazine?

It's true, although sometimes it feels like they work for me.

I don't doubt that at all.

Actually, I was just appointed editor in chief.

Really?

You creative types are so impressive to me.

- Thank you. - Un momento.

That's Cecil Mills, my temporary secretary.

I guess the story really started earlier that morning, when I met her.

I was in my office chatting...

with my colleague and fellow Baxter, Wendall Wimms.

Two tickets to the Brooklyn String Quartet, Ell.

I don't know, Wendall. Thanks for offering though.

Suit yourself, Ell.

- I'm just trying to help. - I know.

Yes?

Hi, I'm the temp.

Hi. I'm Elliot.

Hi. Cecil.

This is my colleague, Wendall Wimms.

- Hello. - Hi.

Please come in.

I'm so sorry I'm late. But I'm new to the city. I'm just learning the trains...

plus the rain.

- Please don't fire me. - No, not at all.

- Take off your coat. Get warm. - Okay.

Wendall...

Where are you from?

I'm from Fergus Falls, Minnesota. Have you heard of it?

It's in Otter Tail County?

It's the large kitchen parts capital of the world.

Really?

I'm the first person in my family ever to go east of the Mississippi.

- I only just got here two weeks ago. - I have an aunt who was married in Mankato.

I'm going to go into my office.

- It was very nice to meet you, Cecil. - Likewise.

I will see you later, Elliot.

Thank you for coming on such short notice. My full time secretary Betty has the flu.

No, I should be the one thanking you. You don't know how badly I needed this job.

Excuse me.

- Thank you. - Here.

Think I've caught a bit of a cold.

Anyway...

- it's a pleasure to meet you. - The pleasure's all mine.

- Here, I'll show you to your office. - Let me just...

This is your desk.

Just let me know if you need anything.

I hope you don't mind if I just take a moment here to personalize my work space.

If you don't mind me asking, what's the dictionary for?

You won't believe this but it's actually what I'm reading at the moment.

- I know- - Wait!

Before you say anything else I need you to know, that I am also reading the dictionary.

- Really? - Yes.

- What letter are you up to? - Right now I'm working my way through "G."

"G." "G" is a classic.

You know, I particularly liked the word "gromwell. "

A type of plant bearing yellowish flowers...

- and white stony nutlets. - And white stony nutlets.

I love that word.

Actually, I've been looking for a real gromwell all over the city...

but I can't seem to find one. So far it's just a lot of concrete.

- Though I haven't yet been to Chinatown. - So, we both read the dictionary.

It's a truly bizarre coincidence.

- Providential. - Fortuitous!

Happenstancial.

- Felicitous. - Another big word.

Miss Mills, I realize we only just met...

but, after work, if you're not busy...

- would you like- - Excuse me...

- are you Elliot Sherman? - Yes.

- How can I help you? - Would I like to what, Mr. Sherman?

- You were going to ask me a question. - I was?

I'm Caroline Swann, your 10:00 appointment.

Yes. Miss Swann, of course.

- I hope I wasn't interrupting. - No, no, not at all.

I'll show you to my office. Miss Mills, would you hold all my calls, please?

Come with me.

And, we'll need some coffee. Some coffee.

You creative types are so impressive to me.

Thank you. Then again, when it comes to crunching numbers...

- I am all thumbs. - Well, fear not.

Enter Elliot Sherman, CPA!

Elliot, Daddy said you were nice. He didn't say you were funny, too.

So Daddy tells me you were a Harvard boy.

Harvard Business. I did my undergraduate studies at Dartmouth.

- I went to Dartmouth. - You didn't.

- I did. - What a coincidence.

Next thing I know you'll be telling me you jog for exercise.

- I actually speed walk. - You speed walk and I jog.

- That is a serious coincidence. - Yes.

- Sort of. - Yeah.

Darn it. Elliot, I have a 10:30 power breakfast with the features editor at Better Homes.

We haven't even started talking about my forms.

Oh, well that's too bad.

Perhaps you would be willing to continue...

the discussion of my forms later this evening?

- Say, over dinner? - Yes. That sounds good.

Perfect. I'll have my assistant's intern's assistant's intern...

book a reservation and then e-mail you to confirm.

Perfect.

It seemed hard to believe that Caroline Gwendolyn Swann...

would actually be interested in me, Elliot Wilbur Sherman.

Elliot Sherman.

Who knew?

Then again, we Baxters do move in mysterious ways.

It was the happiest time of my life.

Work was going gangbusters.

I had just landed the big Gildon's Cough Drop account.

I'd found my dream home, the top floor of a Brooklyn brownstone.

And I rose every morning with the sun.

I was in the best physical and mental shape of my life.

I exercised rigorously with my best friend and next door neighbor, Ed.

Elliot, the feeling one gets from the crisp, cold jet stream of air...

rushing across one's face...

as he walks down the street at speeds in excess...

of two, three, or even four miles per hour.

Caroline and I began courting exclusively.

Our compatibility rating was off the chart.

The relationship was spontaneous and impulsive.

I showed her my beloved Brooklyn.

Settled by the Dutch in the 1640s...

now home to such modern marvels as the stoop.

We were desperately in love, she and I.

Young Turks drawn together by an undefinable force of animal magnetism.

- Good night. - Good night.

The fruit was ripe for the plucking.

I asked her to marry me and she agreed.

A few of my colleagues from the office even got together and threw me a little shindig.

There's a little rumor going around the office that you've upgraded your Palm Pilot.

Is it true?

Guilty as charged, Bob.

Guilty as charged.

Everything was perfect until one week ago...

when we visited Caroline's hometown in Connecticut.

That's when Hurricane Bradley blew in off the coast.

A toast...

to Caroline and Elliot on their pending nuptials.

By this time next week, Elliot, I will be proud to call you "son. "

God, I'm getting all choked up here.

- Sweetie. - Daddy.

Anyway, cheers to Caroline and Elliot.

Cheers.

By the way, this fine crystal we're drinking the bubbly out of...

was made possible by a refund...

Elliot got me last year for Christmas.

He said, "Alan, stop risking your money...

"and start frisking your money. "

Elliot.

It's a lot less fun for me but it sure does pay off.

Well, Alan, it's like I always say:

"Compromise is the key to success. "

Here, here!

So, Elliot, tell us. Where are you two going on your honeymoon?

- Have you decided yet? - Yes, we have.

Yellowstone National Park...

for one whole week of camping, lake fishing, and guided tours.

I wanted to go to Majorca for the beautiful beaches, fine dining and nightlife.

- Elliot and I have never been dancing. - Oh, that's too bad.

I have two left feet.

No, you don't.

I have webbed feet.

So it's Yellowstone.

- Watch out for bears, you two. - Yes, good advice.

I hear bears can smell menstrual blood from a mile away.