The Good Place

- Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today?

- Whoa. Lot of new flavors.

- Michael felt bad about the sinkhole,

so he wanted to give you all a little treat.

I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."

Whoa.

It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone

was fully charged.

Oh, I'm so relaxed.

But they all look good.

This might take me a while.

You know what, Gunnar, uh, why don't you go ahead?

- Thanks so much, Eleanor. - Mm-hmm.

- What can I get you, Gunnar? - Hi, Janet.

- What can I get you, Gunnar? - Hi, Janet.

Can I have some Folded Laundry? - Coming up.

Chidi!

You'll never believe it.

I was at the frozen yogurt place

and I didn't know what I wanted,

so I turned to the guy behind me, and I was like,

"Why don't you go ahead?"

Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?"

O-okay?

Dude, you don't understand!

I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth.

I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth.

But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons,

I didn't hold up the line.

I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want

just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.

You do that?

No, Chidi, I used to do that.

Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.

That's great.

I-I'm proud of you.

So where's our yogurt?

- Ugh. I forgot it.

Oh... Can you go?

I don't want to go all the way back.

I ran all the way here and it was so hot.

I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would.

I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would.

Good person.

So, to sum up:

Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice

is the one that causes the most good or pleasure,

and the least pain and suffering.

- I like this one. It's simple.

Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories,

why didn't you start with this one?

Why didn't you start with this one?

Ah, but here's the problem.

If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness,"

then you can justify any number of bad actions,

like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred,

or preemptive war...

Oh, dip, I get it.

It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?

She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Um, okay, what?

- Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug

and make him move to Sarasota.

It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew

and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker.

And Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker.

So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards

in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

I framed one innocent gator dealer

to save a 60-person dance crew.

- Shockingly, that is a relevant example

of the Utilitarian dilemma.

Well done. - Thanks!

Um...

- Uh, yes, Jianyu? - Can I be excused?

Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there

before all the mini-waffles run out.

- Go ahead, man. - Yes!

- So, you want to roll right into another lesson?

- So, you want to roll right into another lesson?

I am revved up to learn, man.

My brain is horny!

- Um, can we take a little break?

I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote

on the concept of Dharma.

Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing

where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with

"Interestingly..."

Sure, I'll do that and, uh...

we can start another lesson.

Ah, Tahani.

I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter.

I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter.

Tell me what you think.

That "New Yorker" article was crazy.

You haven't seen "Hamilton"?

Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

- Very well done, Michael. - Hi, there!

We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

- A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

Mm-hmm.

- Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

- It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience.

Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room

Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room

where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell

very loudly out of fear?

- It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself.

This is very bad, Janet.

We have to go into the sinkhole and fix it by hand.

Get the tools.

- Sorry, can I be of any service?

Ah, Tahani.

Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no.

We're just having a slight problem

with the enormous sinkhole.

Yes, I meant to tell you...

Yes, I meant to tell you...

I walked past it last night and I actually saw it

get a little bit bigger.

It got bigger?

Ah, well, that's... That's so normal.

Um, this is the reaction I have when things

are incredibly mundane and expected.

I'm gonna leave now...

at my regular pace,

as I do in most scenarios.

Finally!

Let's get back to it.

Let's get back to it.

Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me

what you're working with.

- Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some...

blankets.

Great, I'll grab my sweater.

I can practice letting people cut in front of me.

You know, uh, I just realized

that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap

using the several blankets that I already have.

Good night.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

What's wrong? Out with it.

I'm just tired, need a break.

No big deal.

- The way you're talking to me right now?

"Everything's cool, no big deal"... I know that move.

"Everything's cool, no big deal"... I know that move.

When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal,"

it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew,"

to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year,

things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Wow.

Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal.

Dude, you're hiding something!

What's wrong? - Nothing!

What... is...

wrong?

Jianyu second.

Oh, well done, my love.

So where am I?

Eleanor... 6th?

Come on.

Oh, no.

I'm second to last.

Mummy, I made you this.

Mummy, I made you this.

It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.

- Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.

I made a bird, as well.

I worked in a reflective alloy, holding up a mirror to mankind

and its mistreatment of these defenseless animals.

Excellent, Kamilah.

I sense the influence of Brancusi and Kapoor.

- It seems you're moving out of your structural period,

and more into conceptual abstraction.

Good eye, Mother.

I grew tired of objective representation.

I trust my audience.

I trust my audience.

My birdie has a hat.

Yes, well done, Tahani.

- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.

- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.

- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.

- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.

Would you stop doing that?

Okay, fine! - What's wrong?

You want to know what's wrong?

You are a full-time job.

I wake up, there's Eleanor.

I spend all day teaching Eleanor.

And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor."

Oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here.

Wait, she's got Eleanor's face!

And tentacles for some reason.

- I thought you liked teaching me.

So now I'm just some huge burden for you?

So now I'm just some huge burden for you?