My Name Is Earl

You know the kind of guy who confesses to a crime he didn't commit...

so his ex-wife won't have to go to prison?

The kind of guy who leaves his brother all alone...

and his friends with nothin' to jump for?

Well, that's me. And for the next two years,

my name is inmate number 28301-016.

I survived my first night in prison, but I was terrified,

wondering what the next 729 days had in store.

But I was hopin' I'd be okay, since I had my good friend Ralph with me to watch my back.

Hey, Ralph.

Come on. Out of your bunk. Hands off junk.

Oh, my God.

Hey, buddy. If you're readin' this, by now you know I'm long gone.

I had to get out of this godforsaken hellhole.

I would have taken you with me, but I got hungry last night, and I ate the other melon.

Sorry about that. Your buddy, Ralph.

P.S. I made a mouth hole in the melon for you, if you get my drift!

Rock and roll!

Turns out Ralph paroled himself...

and left me with nothin' but a broken watermelon head and a lot of explaining to do.

Hey! Escape attempt, Cell Block 7.

Oh, no. No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Lockdown. Lockdown. Escape attempt.

** **

Move it.

**

Since there was a hole in my cell, I was moved to general population.

So I went from sharin' a private cell with my childhood friend...

to joinin' a two-year slumber party with murderers and rapists.

* I don't have your lovin' anymore *

I'd been to county lockup plenty of times but never been to prison.

And prison life took some gettin' used to.

A typical day in prison can be broken down into several activities.

First, you wake up and make sure nothing's happened to your two most important things.

Next, you head over to the mess hall for breakfast.

Hey. Gonna eat your steak?

Then you spend most of your day tryin' not to get too bored.

Seven. No.

Three. No.

Five. No.

- Six. - No.

- Two. - No.

Nine. Nice.

* Well, I want you, baby and that's all *

Finally, it's time for bed.

And that's the hardest time of all, because then you're alone with just your thoughts.

* Hear me crying, baby Hear me crying *

The only thing that breaks the routine is when one prisoner tries to kill another.

If you're lucky, you're not the victim.

Lockdown.

Lockdown.

But no matter what, you still get punished.

And everyone gets searched.

Thoroughly searched. Gigitty-goo!

Not surprisingly, prison was turning out to be a miserable place.

But the one bright spot was visiting day, when I got to see my friends.

Some friends I got to see more of than others.

I don't think you realize what you're doin' to these prisoners, comin' in dressed like that.

I don't like to change at work. There's a new girl who steals your pants...

and then sells them back to you at unreasonable prices.

What do you got there, Randy? Oh, I'm not ready yet, Earl.

You go ahead, Darnell. Here you go, Earl.

Sometimes incarcerated people like yourself use their time in prison to get closer with God.

Those are some books I found to be helpful on my journey to find religion.

Holy Bible.

The Torah.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Thanks, Crabman.

Shalom, Earl. So where's Joy?

She's feelin' pretty guilty about you goin' to prison for her.

She didn't want to come empty-handed. I give up.

I am just not crafty. What's the matter, baby?

This damn glass portrait of Earl.

I just can't make it give off his angelic essence.

I even stoled half this glass from a church window.

I like it. It looks exactly like Earl would look if he was made out of glass.

Does it matter if you like it, Darnell?

Were you the shining hero that sacrificed your freedom to save me from a life in prison,

havin' to pee in front of a short-haired woman named Trudy?

This is not good enough for Earl. I hate it!

I'll get the broom.

She'll come visit, once the search for the church window thief dies down.

There's a lot of heat right now.

It could be a while. They were Lutherans.

Okay. Everybody quiet. It's my turn.

First question. "Where do we hide the toothpaste?"

Behind the mirror.

The bathroom mirror. It pulls open from the left.

Cool! A secret compartment.

Your visiting time is over.

- Thanks for coming, guys. - What? No.

Darnell talked the whole time. I hardly got to ask any of my questions.

Wait. Earl. How do you set the alarm clock?

And what's our apartment number again?

I miss you.

I would've worried more about how Randy was gonna make it on his own,

but I was more worried how I was gonna survive.

When you're the new guy in prison, everyone sizes you up,

and they test you daily.

One thing I do know is you can't let people think you're a punk.

And I'd always heard the best way to earn respect in prison...

is to walk up to the biggest guy and punch him as hard as you can.

* I got the pedal to the floor

* My life is runnin' faster

* I'm out of money out of hope *

* It looks like self-destruction **

Unfortunately, the closer I got, the bigger he seemed,

- and I lost my nerve. - Hello.

The problem is, gangs in prison are divided up like my dad's sock drawer: By color.

I was too white to join the Latino gang,

the Asian gang or the black gang,

and not white enough to join the albino gang.

I'm tellin' you, man. We gotta take back the shady part of the yard.

So I went with the only gang that might take me:

The white supremacists.

Which meant unlearnin' what every Afterschool Special had taught me: "Don't be yourself."

Hey. Who else thinks the Civil War ain't over, it's just halftime?

All right.

I'm just sayin' I don't see why I have to shave my head.

Hate's in your heart, not in your hair.

Forget it. I'm out.

Geez, you'd think the superior race wouldn't be so threatened by new ideas.

I had just about given up hope of findin' a gang to join...

when finally I saw a crowd I thought I could hang with.

The old-timers.

The one group that had obviously figured out how to survive in prison.

Come on. You can't put me all in. You only got one cashew.

Hey, guys. Got room for one more?

Sure thing, young man. Take a seat.

I'm Charlie. This is Whiskey Pete,

Philadelphia Mike, John and Skinny John...

and Old Dirty Neck.

That sure is one dirty neck.

I'm Skinny John, you jackass.

They may not have been the toughest gang,

but they were a gang, and they had obviously figured out how to survive in prison,

and that made me feel safer.

Greta Garbo, Judy Garland and Mae West.

That's easy. I'd take Greta Garbo for a milk shake,

Mae West to the drive-in, and I'd kill Judy Garland.

Who would you take to the drive-in, Earl?

No, that's okay. You guys play.

What's the matter? Don't you like broads? No, I love broads.

What, then? You don't like talkin' about killin' broads?

I don't know. It just seems kind of creepy, 'cause all those broads are dead.

- What? - Oh, my God! Was there a plane crash or somethin'?

How long have you guys been in here?

And then I realized the reason...

these guys let me in their gang wasn't for my survival... it was for theirs.

You're not takin' our nuts anymore, you big palooka!

We got us some young blood now!

Get him, Earl!

Pistachio?

You like it? I used up all my felt.

It's amazing. These are all scenes from my life?

Yeah. It's like a straight version of one of those AIDS quilts.

Thank you, Joy. I won't forget this.

That's when I got chicken pox. And you were...

off bangin' Darnell.

Well, I was tryin' to be accurate.

Thanks.

You hate it. I knew you'd hate it.

Joy, I don't hate it. I said it was nice.

No, I see how it is. I mean, you like me feeling guilty.

No matter how many of the kids' winter coats I cut up for you,

we'll never be even, because you like holdin' this over my head, don't you?

Well, bravo, you son of a bitch!

- Bravo! - Do I have time for a question right now?

Wait your damn turn, you stupid yeti. By the way,

would you tell your brother to stop callin' every 20 minutes, askin' what time it is?

- Dumb-ass already lost his job. - That's 'cause no one will show me how to set this thing.

- I'm not a scientist. - Okay, Randy,

what's your question?

"Can I borrow money for the vending machine?"

You're the one with access to the bank account.

The bank closes at 5:00. My clock always says it's 12:00 a.m.

You want some change?

- Go fetch. -

I swear, that boy's not gonna survive without you.

He keeps carrying around one of your old shirts 'cause he misses your smell.

Yeah, he seems to be havin' a little trouble lettin' go.

Hey, Earl. Hey, Randy.

How'd you sleep last night? It was scary out here. I saw a possum.

Wait a second. If you want things to be even with us,

how about you let Randy move in with you, keep an eye on him for me?

Oh, hell, no. On the way over here, he got his hand stuck in the tape deck.

I can't put up with that crap. Come on, Joy. You said you wanted to even the score.

I mean, this could really help.

All right. I'll do it.

Joy, can you throw more money on the floor?

I want to get myself an ice cold drink.

You know what? This might be fun.

Now that I knew Randy would be looked out for,

I could get back to figuring out how to look out for myself.

Sonny?

Sonny was a guy I used to play a game called Beer Can Tag with back in the day.

I got you, Earl. You're it. You're it!

Ain't no use runnin', fool. I know where your mama parks your house!

After that, Sonny just disappeared.

Well, everybody's always askin' what happened to you.