8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,

Alan Carr,

Jonathan Ross,

Harriet Kemsley,

Maisie Adam,

Huge Davies,

Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley,

and your host, jimmy Carr!

Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,

a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.

OK, let's meet tonight's players.

First up, it's guest team captain, Jonathan Ross.

Hello, everyone.

Jonathan has a very unique look.

I like to describe it as the bloated corpse of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

I'll be honest with you, I think that's quite fair.

You look amazing this evening, I've got to say.

Why are you saying that now. You prick?

A minute ago...

A minute ago, you're saying I was looking like a dead

has-been decorator and now you're saying I look amazing.

Can we see the full outfit?

Because the full outfit is everything. It's got this...

No, no, the shoes. The shoes are everything.

Look at that. And then wait till you see my pants?

I got this from my tailor in Indonesia.

Yeah, no, well, he's not really my tailor,

he's a bloke on Etsy, but he's in Indonesia.

Have you ever met this man?

No. What if he didn't like me or if I didn't like him?

He clearly doesn't like you. Look what he makes for you!

He hates you! Look how he dresses you!

And Jonathan's team-mate, Maisie Adam!

Yeah!

Maisie graduated with a BA in acting and community theatre,

so we'd better get a move on before NASA call and snap her up.

Up against him this evening is guest team captain Alan Carr.

Yeah!

Alan's first ever acting role was as Squealer the Pig in Animal Farm.

It's great, Alan, but you can stop doing the voice now.

Yeah, yeah, I was a pig.

I had this pig head like this and I had these sticks,

and I burst in the room to show me mum and dad

and the dog shat itself.

Joining Alan tonight, it's Harriet Kemsley.

Yeah! Hello!

It says here as part of a challenge for a TV show,

Harriet once appeared on Babe Station.

That's where I know you from.

What was the challenge on Babe Station, what did you do?

You had to like be sexy on camera.

I was like, "Ooh..."

I didn't really know what to do, and we didn't get much money.

Who was we? Who else was there with you?

Erm, well my husband did it as well, I think that was the big...

That's what people really didn't like.

In fact, people were quite angry, we got a lot of complaints.

OK, it says here you're related to one of tonight's guests,

is that true? Yes. It's Jonathan Ross. We are related.

Yeah, but I've asked you so many times not to tell people.

You won't be so offended when you're looking for a relative for a kidney.

Yeah!

But, yes, we are, but we're fairly close relations, aren't we?

Yeah, we are, we are. Which is so weird. Yeah, yeah.

What are you?

What? Brothers?

Yes, brothers. We are, we are brothers.

But the great thing is, because you're a little bit older than me,

when I found out Jonathan Ross was related to me,

it was like finding out you had an extra Nana.

He keeps asking me about the will. He's not in there.

And how are you related, what's the actual...?

Erm, it's, it's, about three, three, four grandparents back, innit?

The BBC had asked me for ages to do this Who Do You Think You Are,

and I kept saying no, no, no.

Then I saw the one with Kris Akabusi

and he ended up in Trinidad and Tobago.

I thought, "Alan, put your name down!' Free holiday.

Peckham. Two weeks in Peckham!

Alan found out, cos one of your relatives had been

a deserter in the war as well.

I know, yes, he ran off dressed as a woman.

They told me this at the Imperial War Museum.

Oh, no! How much of an arsehole did I feel?

He, he survived the Battle of the Somme,

yeah, cos he ran off in slingbacks and a woman's hat.

Harriet. Now, Harriet,

congratulations are in order. You just had your first baby,

how are you finding parenthood?

Thank you, yeah, it's good.

I had the baby at St Thomas's in London,

and they take the baby security like very seriously.

So, like, you have the baby and then you have to show them

the car seat, that you're gonna take the baby home in.

And so, they were like, have you got the car seat,

and they have to look at it, and you have to show them it,

but the problem is me and my husband never got a car seat.

So, the baby's still there.

She's in the best place and women can't have it all,

so she's being looked after and I'm here tonight,

so, thank you, St Thomas's, for everything.

Maisie, it says here your family WhatsApp group is very active.

What do you think they'll be messaging about tonight?

My mum always wants to know,

if I, if I get to do a telly thing, she always wants to know,

if people are nice, and then how tall they are.

Every single time, so I imagine when I finish this,

I'll have a message saying, "Jonathan Ross seemed nice,

"about five foot ten to me, and I right? Lots of love."

And then there's always loads of emojis, as well, so there'll

probably be like, six love hearts, five clocks,

three pens and papers...

And for me at least one aubergine, I hope?

An aubergine, yeah. Probably that,

and I'll reply, "Yeah about 6 foot actually, Mum,

"and he was a total dickhead."

Surprisingly tall is our Jonathan.

Surprisingly tall.

I used to be taller, I used to be six foot one and a half,

now I'm six and a half, I've lost an inch.

Although, I think I know where it went cause my balls are a lot

lower than they used to be.

Jonathan, you're a vegan now. How's that going?

I've been vegan now for about a year,

and you know what, I love it, it's great.

I live mainly off of erm, a sort of nourishment pea drink.

What? You're drinking your own pee?

No, there's this, there's this thing

cause Huel which is this fast—food type thing.

It's just like gruel.

What do you mean it's like gruel?

It's like... It's disgusting... Have you tried the cinnamon swirl?

No. Have you tried the coffee cream latte?

Do you work for Huel?

Yes, I'm hoping to.

It feels to me like, Jonathan, I mean, just reading between

the lines here, but it feels like you're no longer on solid food

cos you're at that age.

You're joking, but in a way there's something that is...

This is gonna sound depressing, but I've got to the age

where I've kind of eaten enough.

Oh, my God. Like an elephant wandering off to die.

Did you bring a mascot, Jonathan?

Oh, sorry, I forgot where I was for a minute.

Yes, Jimmy, I brought a mascot, here's an idea I had,

which I think, I hope will catch on.

As you know, I like more flamboyant clothes and dress sense,

it won't surprise you, being a fan of Magnum Pl,

I have a lot of Hawaii shirts at home. Beautiful.

So, I've come up with the British version of the Hawaiian shirt, OK?

This is the British shirt, and this is decorated,

and I think you'll find this will speak to you.

Let me stand up and show you, so you see it's a suitably grey colour,

to match the weather most of the time, and it's got scenes there.

There for example, is the classic traditional scene

of the Friday night fight outside a Wetherspoons.

That's beautiful. And there's the Alsatians have come in

and the boys are going at it.

Here we have a surfer, which I know sounds Hawaiian to you

but he's like a UK surfer. As you can see, there's lots

of faecal matter, and used condoms on the surf board

from our lovely waterways.

And down the bottom here, you've got the classic picture

of the teenager's smoking cider, and drinking some dank weed...

Dank weed. I think they're probably smoking the dank weed

and drinking the cider.

I mean, if they're anything like me, they put it into a fluid anyway

and just have it in a bowl.

Jonathan Ross, everyone.

Thank you.

Maisie...

Yes? Have you got a mascot, what did you bring?

What can really help sometimes to give a good performance,

and they've been quite popular, shared on social media

fairly recently, is a good old motivational quote.

Like my friend's mum has 'em a lot round the house, they say things

like, "If you want the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain."

She's got written across the kitchen wall,

"You don't have to lick the spoon but it helps."

We don't know what that one means.

So, I have created a Motivator Generator, OK?

This is perfect.

Most of the best like inspirational quotes,

like the ones I've just said, they're sort of in two parts, OK?

So I'm gonna sort of invent our own motivational quotes

that are gonna help us score... Let's go.

Shall we get our first one?

All right, let's get the first half.

OK, so, we've, we've got "The only thing worse than failure..."

Oh, right. Good start, strong start.

That's deep, that's deep.

...is learning to dance in the rain.

That works. Like, so true. That works.

It's so true. You can kind of make sense of it.

Beautiful, that is beautiful. I promised myself I wouldn't cry...

Want another one?

Yeah, let's have another one. Why wouldn't we?

OK, so let's say Jonathan's having a bit of a mare,

he can't work out with the numbers or something.