Little Demon

Come on, bud.

You don't slither into Delaware from the Plorble Realm

to hang out in the Hamboni's parking lot, okay?

- Why are you here? What's your plan?

More? Okay.

- Spit it out, you goblin fuck.

Ladies' night!

I'm finally getting you out of the house

and into The Coconut Hole--

frozen fireballs served by bulging hunks in tight shorts.

- Yeah, change of plans, Darlene.

I got my hands full right now.

Bastards like this keep showing up.

I think they're drawn to Chrissy or something.

- Uh-uh, no more living like you're in witness protection.

You promised tonight's the night.

Chrissy's at her dad's for the weekend.

- Which means I actually have a night to myself,

and I'd rather not spend it surrounded by

spray-tanned lemmings drinking daiquiris

until their Cialis kicks in.

Listen, I get it.

After my first marriage ended,

I was terrified to get back out there, leave the house.

- I'm not scared. I have a routine and I like it.

I'd make up excuses: "Gotta fix a leaky pipe."

"I have syphilis." - This is not an excuse.

I don't have time to dick around with dicks.

But then Tia Saltzman

forced me out onto the dance floor,

and a phoenix Darlene rose from the goddamn ashes.

- Aah! I'll go out if you just stop talking, okay, Darlene?

Yes! - You, don't get cozy.

I'm coming back for your ass.

Okay, one drink, though. - Watch out, Middletown.

It's Laura and Darlene's big night out!

Title sequence. -

- And then at 10:00 p. m., they sound a bullhorn,

and the first one up the tiki pole

gets a bowl of Everclear poured in their mouth.

Aren't you glad you came out?

There are two separate men

masturbating in two separate corners.

- Ooh, cutie at five o'clock. Hot tip: take his compliment.

Then tease with a spicy little secret about yourself.

Hi. Your soul is gorgeous.

Thank you.

You should see the scar from the vaginal tear I had

when birthing my daughter.

- Jeez, that was some sweet meat you just burnt.

Maybe put some sugar in it next time.

- There won't be a next time. I'm out.

What? we just got here.

- I did what you asked and what I told you I'd do.

If I stay any longer, I will kill someone.

But you haven't even seen

the Kahlúa Crab Canoe yet.

- Yeah, close me out before I repaint

the bathroom walls with my brain.

Hurry it up, asshole. Need the fuck outta here.

Surely someone with your disposition

would know a place with a motto

"Have a Hula-va good time" would be a living disease.

- And surely you're perceptive enough to know

hitting on me is a dead end.

- I'm here merely as a social observer,

soaking in the waning sexual rhythms

of these septuagenarians for my latest novella.

Uh-huh.

So how long have you been a serial killer?

I'm--what?

- The fishing line marks on your hands,

binocular indents around your eyes,

minor abrasions on your forearm and cheekbone.

Last one put up a fight?

And either you're Forrest Gump, or...

Ooh, yup, that's a billy club.

Two Marys, extra bloody.

Who are you?

- I'm just a single girl looking for a fun night out.

Let me get that. - No, no, it's on me.

Okay.

Ketamine, really?

You trying to murder me or disappoint me?

Mama's got the antidote, though.

- Dog piss aftertaste... tromaxadam?

Who are you, my psychiatrist?

- What's more obvious is the needle up your sleeve.

You'll never stick me before I fry your balls.

- Everett. - Laura. Tell you what.

I'll let you stab me once to stroke your ego.

- A single thrust is all I'll need.

In fact, we can start right now.

What a production!

Maximus Dawnus, here we come!

I love you, Dad.

Boo!

Excuse me. Pardon me, pardon me.

Hey, cabbie!

- Get out of the way! -

- I thought you were into it. - Really?

You thought I'd be into a puppet propaganda show

all about signing your pact?

- You got me there. Playwright lacked subtlety.

I'm going home.

- Home? Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't go.

- I wanted to spend quality time with you,

but obviously that's impossible, so...

- Aw, come on. - Yeah, I have friends to see,

homework to do,

Great British Bake Off to binge.

Give me one more shot.

You think this was all I had planned today?

Oh, no, I got a whole afternoon mapped out.

You're gonna crap your pants, you're gonna love it so much.

Come on, baby.

Smaller than I imagined.

- I wanna make you wet with your own blood.

- I'm gonna open you up and see how hard your bones are.

Laura? You decided to stay!

You and your cutie wanna head to 'Rokey in a bit?

- Let's take this someplace private.

- Oh, getting right to it. Okay.

Kind of a 180, but do your thing, girl.

Get that big old bass.

Nice and tight.

- I've been pulled tighter.

I know we just met, but...

What do you say we go all the way?

- Wow, and that's just the tip, huh?

Oh, my God, I killed a man.

Darlene, why did you do that?

- Well, I was saving you Single White Female style.

- I wasn't in trouble. I was totally fine.

I was doing a thing. - Thing? What kind of thing?

He was about to chop you up.

- Yeah, that's what serial killers do,

but I was gonna kill him eventually.

- I brought you out to get you away

from torturing monsters in dark garages.

And here you are in a dark alley with another monster?

Oh, you're one to judge.

You lure innocent Instacart shoppers

into your house with candy and cheese plates.

- How I please those Instacart shoppers

is a gift for everyone involved,

and I want you to experience that fun in your life.

- No offense, Darlene, but you don't know what I need, okay?

- Okay, I'm actually great at picking up on what people need.

I'm an Aries.

Well, I need you to guard the entrance

so I can clean up this mess and head home.

Stay here, and don't move.

Laur, I'm gonna be blunt.

I've read enough Brené Brown

to spot a self-saboteur when I see one.

Darlene, what the hell?

I told you to watch the door.

Liquesco is a fragile

and extremely powerful compound, okay?

It can open fissures to hidden corners of the Earth,

but if any type of liquid touches it--

- This looks like as good a place as any

to urinate.

No! Motherfu--

Ew. Ugh.

How much longer is this gonna be?

You couldn't have just, like,

blammo'd to us to wherever we're going?

- You'd think they'd have a better system by now,

but the only way to travel to other realms

on this plane of existence is public transportation.

We're going to another realm?

- The Metaphysical Realm is just one of a shit ton

across the Demicorporeal Plane.

Imagine this whole place as a shopping mall

and the realms are like the stores in it.

The one we're going to is like Hot Topic

but with fornication and genocide.

Next stop: Wibby Turkle Realm.

Wibby Turkle, next stop.

- I used to come here when it was a genuine piece of shit.

Now it's a tourist trap.

Get your Choochie tchotchkes.

Get your Choochie tchotchkes. Don't worry.