Everything & the Universe

- Whoa. - Sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

She's a--she's a feminist log.

Oh.

Do you want a medal?

No.

I mean, I'd take a smile if you had one.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Next. - No, no.

Sorry. My name is Henry.

I should have said that sooner.

Silly me.

Next.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, hi.

Sorry.

Oh, uh, just to clarify, I wasn't,

like, trying to hit on you just then,

in case that's how it came across, you know.

Not that you're not my type.

I mean, actually, you're exactly my type.

You're not my type.

Hello?

Oh, I'm--ma'am, I'm sorry.

Um, OK, actually, before I hand this over to you,

I would like you to understand that

this is not just a piece of wood.

In case people were wondering,

this is a legitimate, magical object

that holds very real emotional significance in my life

because my ex, the woman I love,

cut it down after a vigorous lovemaking session

in the hills of Oregon.

We were on a little sexcation.

You ever have one of those?

See, I'm trying to, uh, win her back,

which is why I was like, "I'm not hitting on you just now."

Just--just saying.

How many bags?

Oh, just this little guy.

Sorry.

Should I--can I put this over here for you?

Yeah, right on the scale.

I can just put it in for if you want.

- Sure. - There it is.

It's up.

Can you just balance it so that they--

Yeah, no, I--I got it. I got it.

Next!

Hi.

Are you a Scorpio?

Cancer.

Cancer, interesting.

What's your moon?

What's your rising?

- Sir, I'm really gonna have to ask you to leave the premises.

- Yeah, no, I was just trying to have a quick--

yeah.

Yeah, of course. Sorry.

Good evening. Welcome on board.

- Anyway, I'm about to take off, so I gotta go.

OK.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

My childhood dog just died.

Hey.

Um, hey, I'm sorry to bother you,

but what--what's your name?

Uh, Will.

- Will, my fiancée and I were supposed to sit next to each other,

but that seat wasn't available.

Apparently, now it is.

Like, would it be too much of a bother

if I just, like, scooted in?

Would that be OK?

Just, we--we just can't get enough of each other.

You know what I mean?

Just--sorry.

Oh, well, hello there, mister.

Oh. Wow.

You are a handsome man.

Such nice skin.

Seriously, though, you can go to my seat if you want.

It's Comfort Plus.

I'm all set here. Thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, are you sure?

You're welcome.

Oh, my God.

Whoa!

Do you wanna play?

- No. - You and me.

Come on, one toss.

Just one. Call it.

Heads or tails?

Tails.

Oh, that's pretty good.

I'm a heads person myself, but...

Let's try one more.

Let's see.

Wow.

Jesus.

Whoa!

Shit!

Oh, fuck!

Oh!

You OK?

Oh, I hate this.

Flying?

Everything--flying, you.

Me?

Oh, fuck!

We're gonna die!

We're not gonna die, OK?

We're probably not gonna die!

We're probably, probably!

Ah!

Please hold my hand.

Sorry, you don't have anything?

Not even, like, a minivan or a Bronco?

Do you need a ride?

I'm a double black triple platinum member, so.

Can I drive?

No.

My name's on the rental, so no.

Oh, Jesus.

OK.

Maybe just take it easy there a little, Cancer, please.

What are you--come on.

You can't smoke in here, man.

This is my rental.

Tell me about log girl.

What's she like?

I mean, she's beautiful, you know.

Oh, wow. She sounds special.

And she's smart.

OK, way smarter than me, and she knows it, which is sexy.

She's brave.

Oh, shit.

Pull over here.

Thank you.

This?

You cannot be serious.

OK, look, just wait here if you want.

I'll be a few minutes. All right?

If you're not back in 15, I'm leaving.

OK, that's fine.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, sorry, that--um, I'm--

I didn't mean to bother you.

I'm looking for, um...

Madam Universe?

Yeah, is she here?

Hi.

Brian and I are so excited to see you at the wedding

this weekend.

All right, so I got a couple details.

Friday--

Oh, actually, you know what?

If it's OK, I, uh--

I brought my own.

Dalí's deck.

- Oh, yeah. - Hmm.

I'm a huge fan of surrealism.

It'll be an extra $10.

- Are you charging me a corkage fee for bringing my own deck?

It's unfamiliar and therefore requires

extra powers of concentration.

You know what? Fine.

That's OK. Just let me...

The seven of swords.

Diana, goddess of the hunt,

friend to animals and servant of the moon.

Servant of the moon?

No, that can't--I--

I never heard it described like that.

Are you doing the reading, or am I?

- I don't have the best relationship with the moon, OK?

I don't trust it.

Feels like it's a little too close to the Earth.

When I was little, I had, like, a reoccurring nightmare

that, like, it was going to crash into the planet

and cover the whole world with cheese.

Cheese?

A majority of the time,

love's an extreme manifestation of narcissism.

Are you calling me a narcissist, or--

You are on a journey.

But it is not the journey that you are on.

Yeah.

Mm.

Mm, OK.

OK, I shouldn't have come in here.

I'm just--I'm sorry.

Oh, Jesus Christmas!

Ah!

Fucker bars!