Simon

Narrator: It is not generally known

that many of the strange and alarming trends

observed in this country in recent years

were not random occurrences,

coincidences, or so-called acts of god,

but are, in fact, directly traceable

to this group of men -- five of the most brilliant

and twisted geniuses in America,

perhaps in the entire world --

living and working together, isolated, protected,

and funded by a government contract

so brilliantly incomprehensible that no one,

even at the highest Washington levels,

knew its real activities.

This group, in the name of free scientific inquiry,

perpetrated a series of scenarios so sinister,

so bizarre, and so childishly perverse,

that rational men argue that the civilization

which had come so far in so short a time

was finally collapsing.

Dr. Carl Becker, director of the institute.

Excuse me, Dr. Becker?

Oh, yes?

How did the five of you meet?

We were all sent out here some years ago

by someone who thought it would be a good idea

for the best minds to be put together

in a good environment with unlimited funds.

And what were you all supposed to do?

Oh, think.

A think tank. What about?

The usual -- you know, the food shortage,

ecology, energy, that sort of thing.

We were supposed to save the world.

What went wrong?

Nothing went wrong.

We just got into more interesting material.

That's all.

More interesting material. What kind of material?

Oh, a little this, a little that.

Hundertwasser does all of our media work.

Uh, this device allows us to jam

all the Nielsen boxes in the country.

I see. You're talking about the television rating system.

That's right. We've been doing that for the past six years.

We substitute our own information,

using microwaves from roving vans.

Mmm.

You see that? Total environment control.

The entire country? That sounds impossible.

Well, it's not that difficult.

Uh, we pick a show at random

and feed a winning share into the Nielsen boxes,

like, uh... You got a minute?

See? "Donny & Marie hefty 60 share --

audience of 70 million."

Now, we happen to know that on that night,

there were only 1,200 people in the entire country

who watched that particular show, not 70 million.

Well, that's amazing.

That's right. The important thing to remember

is that Nielsen is totally wrong about everything.

Dr. Barundi conceived and worked with the Chinese

on the Nixon substitution scenario.

The Nixon substitution scenario?

What was that exactly?

The Nixon who entered China in 1972

was not the one we sent back.

Fichander -- chemistry, biology, and pharmaceuticals.

Uh, I have some things here.

We're into several areas, actually --

viruses, some phage cloning,

DNA, crystalline diffraction.

Ahh.

I did the new penicillin-resisting

gonorrhea strain a few years ago, remember?

It was in all the papers. Nobody could figure it out.

And Van Dongen is doing some very nice stuff

with genetics and adaptation.

Genetically speaking, man is very unstable.

He's sort of an inferior product of nature.

Genes are vulnerable

to a variety of outside influences --

to radiation, chemicals, stress.

On the other hand, certain insects --

the common roach, for instance --

are very resistant to mutation.

Now, if we could cross-breed a human with a roach,

then we would have a species

that could last for, uh, 10 billion years!

It is now accepted, as we fit the pieces together,

that the entire unpleasantness

was the fault of this Becker person,

and that the catastrophe found its beginnings,

as so many do,

in the most casual innocent remark,

in this case, a small article in the New York Times.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Now, see what you can do with this here.

Gallup says that over 60% of Americans

now firmly believe that there are extraterrestrials

out there somewhere trying to contact us.

Oh, right. I love it.

Anybody?

Eric? Aram?

We could give them...

What they want.

I think I got one.

No, I think I got a good one.

What?

You're gonna like this.

What if a spaceship lands,

an extraterrestrial steps out.

What happens? What is it?

What happens, and what is the effect on the population?

Panic? Is it hysteria? Is it depression?

Mass suicide? Is it war? Is it the end of war?

Is it religious revivals? You see what I'm saying?

We could find out.

How? Fake it.

Fake it? How?

All you need is the right orphan.

An orphan? Why do you need an orphan?

Because an extraterrestrial, Eric,

must not be traceable to earth-born parents.

I like this, Leon.

It has texture and scope.

All right. Now we find our orphan.

Find a little orphan, do a little job on him.

Man: A few changes here and there -- blood, the various fluids.

I have a thought about a primal trauma!

At the end of all this, the country discovers

E.T. Has been living right among them all along!

Incredible.

Let's get Doris in on this. Hello, Doris.

Doris: Yes, Dr. Becker?

How are you, Doris?

How am I? I'm perfect. You know that.

Let me see what you can find on a white American male,

between the ages of 25 and 40,

an orphan whose parents are untraceable. Urban.

Just a minute. I'm searching.

Yeah, he's coming. I can feel it.

How about an Assistant Professor of Psychology --

Simon Mendelssohn?

He's perfect.

Okay, stay with me now, because this is really great.

Nuclear rockets, huge ones, hundreds of them,

on one side of the world --

and when the planet runs out of food and air and water,

which it will, probably, what do we do?

Huh? Anybody.

What do we do?

I'll tell you what we do.

We turn the planet into a space ship,

and we move to another solar system

where there is food and water and air.

It can happen. Anything can happen.

Dare to dream.

Use the right side of your brains --

intuition, imagination, dreams, uncertainty.

Remember we talked about the uncertainty principle?

Well, Heisenberg is predated

a thousand years by the zen poets --

a thousand years!

You can change the world with an idea.

But you have to think of the idea first.

Yeah -- ha ha ha. Listen.

Wittgenstein said -- listen to this --

"I do not know what I do not know."

Huh? Is that fantastic?

"I do not know what" --

yes, Pam. What is it?

Uh, is this going to be on the final?

Doris was right. He's perfect.

We're going to need a few personal details

from his early childhood.

I need fresh samples

of his three major bodily fluids.

Lisa: I never heard of a sensory-deprivation tank.

Simon: It's completely safe, Lisa. Stop worrying.

What is this? Looks like a coffin.

Very good. It's the crate a coffin comes in.

I got it from Jerry Epstein's uncle,

who drives a hearse for Frankie Campbell's.

Simon, I don't want to say anything that isn't totally supportive. Then don't.

Except do you remember what happened last time

with the peyote?

Nothing happened with the peyote.

You threw up for five days!

You were dizzy, you missed your class,

you made sounds like a wolf howling.

Three days is a completely normal side effect,

and this has nothing to do with that.

Simon, one day you're gonna make one of these

wonderful scientific leaps,

and I'm not gonna be able to catch you.

Very nice. Very poetic.

Do me a favor. Hand me the Phillips head screwdriver.

You're a brilliant man. You could make a contribution.