President Curtis

Curtis: They can't be that hard to find.

They're throwing stars but they're made of wood.

- We're in an attic, sir. There's a lot of wood. -

But, like, George Washington wood.

Cherry. Like his teeth and left nipple.

Sorry. His left what?

There were some things he could tell a lie about.

But he could also carve a throwing star more lethal

than most guns,

which is a perfect point to make at this seminar

for at-risk youth.

Do at-risk youth attend a lot of seminars?

Less problematizing, more robot-eyes'ing.

I thought I'd find you guys here

because I surveilled you entering.

Are those hot wings?

For me, yes. You, no.

Excuse me?

I'm your boss and the goddamn president.

Executive order, bitch. Fucking Christ! O'Doyle!

- These would kill you, sir. -

My half-leprechaun stomach can digest molten metals.

My male brain can only hear that as a challenge!

I understand what you mean, but it doesn't apply to this.

It's actual poison.

Must... eat

lethal... chicken.

Garbage. See?

- It's garbage now. - That's true.

I can't eat out of the garbage.

- That would be less alpha. - Whoa.

$15 million from Jefferson to Napoleon for...

Louisiana? Damn, Banks.

You found the receipt for the Louisiana Purchase?

People have been asking to see this for 200 years.

All French people, but still.

Wait, we bought Louisiana from France?

Oh!

I just now got the accent.

Huh-huh-huh!

So I didn't go to college.

Or grade school?

Is that where you learned to be mean?!

Not just Louisiana, O'Doyle.

It was the whole territory.

How big, Banks? Like half of America?

15 states.

Damn!

Those are state-sized states, too.

They may have invented sex,

but that's the day France got royally...

You almost sound proud of it.

I can't root for the home team?

You know what Jefferson said...

"Desperate times make for great deals."

What's this part down here?

Looks like Napoleon scribbled a little somethin'-somethin'.

"Oh, and one more thing...

You are forbidden from entering the cave

in the third Rocky Mountain."

It's initialed by Jefferson.

Third from the left? Third rockiest?

- Third mountainest? - Good thing we'll never know.

- It's forbidden. -

So you root for the home team,

but you're okay being told by a foreign dictator

there's a part of your country you're not allowed in?

I'm not allowed in a lot of the country, Banks.

Pilot lounges. The actual horse part of the horse track.

Everyone's home.

My job is to leave the stuff that's working alone.

It's called respecting the legacy of...

George Washington's throwing stars!

Ooh! There's one for each original colony!

Delaware! Virginia! Rhode Island! Damn.

The only thing those youths are at risk of is losing their shit.

What's up, guys? I'm Amil Bhattam.

And today we're getting to the bottom

of Lincoln's hat.

More specifically, the groundswell of support

to add a top hat to Lincoln's head on Mount Rushmore.

First up, we got Senator Hapkins,

primary sponsor of the 4-score bill,

as well as Martin Popple,

leader of the Hats Off movement.

Sarah, why exactly do you want to add

a 20-story granite hat to Lincoln's head?

Sarah: Well, it was Lincoln who once said,

"Give me a hat with such strength of brim,

the whole world can rest peacefully and dine."

Which is, of course, why we're adding

a rotating restaurant to the brim.

Martin: Oh-kayy. Sarah is clearly

- just spouting Hatter propaganda. - Ha!

Oh, so we should pretend Lincoln didn't have a hat?

You're defacing a national monument

to sell hat merch and beard-shaped beignets!

Lincoln would hate you!

He would hate yo...

Another moment alone with my thoughts successfully avoided.

Alright, Banks. Be on alert. Head on a swivel.

It's up to you, and only you,

to figure out what the French are hid...

Oh, come on, guys! What the fuck?

- Oh, hey, Banks. - Your stealth game is weak.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

I thought you wanted to leave this alone!

And I thought you'd listen to me, but, of course, you didn't.

O'Doyle saw you putting on the squirrel suit

in the locker room.

You ratted on me?!

We did a whole thing about that last week.

We resolved it.

Yeah, but I still owed you a rat-out.

- Now we're even. - He's the one who keeps cutting the doughnuts

Into pieces in the break room.

- You dick! Back to not even! - O'Doyle!

Either eat it or don't.

Stop trying to turn a doughnut into a pizza.

Besides, Banks, look around.

There's nothing here

but etchings of shoulders and ankles.

It was probably just Napoleon's jerk-off cave.

Look out!

C'est moi, Napoleon.

What in the hell?

I guess Napoleon was into One-Eyed Willy tech?

"It's me, Napoleon.

You thought you screwed us, but we screwed you.

You broke our agreement, so I am declaring Frontier Forfeit."

- What's Frontier Forfeit? - "A well-known law

That allows the seller to reclaim their land

after a contract breach.

That's right, Jefferson.

I am taking back the Louisiana Territory.

And you can't stop me, because you'll be dead.

"Syphilis bomb!"

Anti-syphilis pill? Anti-syphilis pill?

So Napoleon tried to kill Jefferson

and take back the territory?

Wow, the guy who conquered all of Europe

tried to reclaim land and kill a guy.

Move over, Watergate!

Should we destroy the evidence, sir?

What? No. That would actually make it feel like Watergate.

I don't know what that is.

Okay, big deal. So I didn't see one Kevin Costner movie.

- You mean "Waterworld"? - Whatever. Let's bail.

And, O'Doyle, pack up one

of those ankle etchings for my, uh

personal collection.

Sir, I know I can be an even better Secret Service agent

now that I'm a werewolf.

I've got the tech, I've got the drive.

We tried to make you a part of the team

- and you ate a guy's leg! - But not his head!

- That has to count for something! -

Sir, I have Marc Luc de Bergeron on the line.

He's the head of France's Real Estate Acquisitions Department.

- Real Estate Acquisitions? -

This is President Curtis.

What can I do for you, Marc Luc?

A great question, Mr. President. What can you do for us?

I just wanted to notify you that France is

interested in American land.

In case we should need legal... documentation...

Sorry. Connection bad. What the hell?

"To legally initiate Frontier Forfeit,

a representative of the former seller

must notify the current landholder... ".

Fucking English!

They know we broke the agreement!

- Oh, God damn it! - Wait, Napoleon's dead.