Bob's Burgers

Faster! Faster!

Gene, stop whipping me with a tube sock.

Well, sorry I don't have dress socks.

Keep going, Dad.

You're almost at the water station.

Oh, my God.

Yay, Dad!

You're peddling like crazy

and not getting anywhere.

Just like your life.

Great encouragement, kids!

And... good enough.

Now, hit the showers, sweat stuff.

And wash this sock.

It's got your stank all over it.

Boy, your father's getting a lot of good out of this

old exer-cycle someone dumped in the alley.

Maybe it was a hint from a concerned friend,

like someone anonymously mailing you mouthwash.

Yeah, did you like the flavor, by the way?

'Cause they also make cinnamon.

No, it was really good.

That's weird.

So, it looks the same?

Yeah, your bald spot is still

exactly the size of the lid of a mayonnaise jar.

Or a tiny crop circle.

I guess it's a mystery.

Bob, your mustache!

What? - You're going lip bald!

All right, well, it doesn't look great.

Or it's sexy. It shows a little skin,

but leaves something to the imagination.

"Internet, does my father have mange?"

Maybe I should just shave it off.

"Shave it off"?!

No, no, no! You can't!

Bob, your mustache is like an old friend.

It introduced us.

It was how we met.

Wait, it was how you met?

I thought Mom lost a bet.

Come on, you know this story.

I never told you this story?

Guys, this is our chance to say

"Yes, you did tell us that story."

I was engaged to Hugo,

but I wasn't that into hanging out with him.

Here we go.

So, one night, I was having a quiet cocktail

with my friend Ginger.

So, I said, "That's not how you throw a shrimp.

This is how you throw a shrimp!"

Oh, my God!

Hey, you got a lot of nerve grabbing girls' diamond rings

with your thick, luxurious,

Tom Selleck-ian mustache.

Hi. - Hi.

My eyes are up here.

Should we get some scissors?

What's the rush?

What do you mean?

Oh, I... Sorry.

One thing led to another, and,

I gave Hugo back his ring

and told him I met a mustache.

So if Dad didn't have his mustache that day,

you guys don't click, don't get together,

we're not born.

A world without a Gene

is not a world I want to live in!

Oh, please. Mom and Dad are destined

to get together no matter what.

It's called fate and it's great.

That's an easy way to remember it.

No, no, no, no. Shave Dad's face,

Belcher kids are erased.

If Dad's lip has no hair,

we never come out of there.

Well, we'll never really know what would've happened

if I didn't have a mustache back then.

But we can wildly speculate.

No. - I don't want to do that.

I take you back to that night.

Everything is the same... almost!

"That's not how you throw a shrimp.

This is how you throw a shrimp!"

Dad's naked lip is no match for a small karat,

visibly occluded, rose-cut diamond.

You know a weird amount about diamonds.

A boy can plan for his big day!

Oh, oh, God!

Sorry.

Got a little blood.

Let me get you a napkin.

There you go.

All better. Oh, wait, no.

It's gushing. - Oh, no!

Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God...

I don't really like the sight of blood, either.

It's like, what is that stuff?!

Hi, Doc. Sergeant Bosco, PD.

What do you got-- lip job?

It's a simple laceration.

Just a couple of stitches should do it.

He could be perfect.

You're losing him! - I'm losing him?

Wait, you're losing me?

He's flatlining!

You're making that sound.

Induce coma! - Induce coma?!

I'm commandeering this patient. - Wait!

Let's talk about...

Powering up.

He's on. How are you feeling?

I don't feel.

What do you remember?

Nothing. - Correct response.

The OS is loaded.

Welcome to the force, Officer Robo 'Stache.

Lin!

I'm just giving you a little comb-over.

Gene, why would the police give me a robotic mustache?

Because they tried robotic ding-dongs,

and they were buggy.

Sure, sure.

But the mustache unit was bristling

with state-of-the-art technology.

45-caliber revolver, tear gas, paper shredder,

universal remote, pencil sharpener,

toothpick, melon baller.

Robo 'Stache, you are fully trained.

We've uploaded police academy to your brain.

The movies and the actual training.

They are funny, except for 5: Assignment: Miami Beach.

That is correct. What are your directives?

Serve the public, protect the innocent.

Dance like no one's watching.

And a fourth hidden secret one

I'm not allowed to know about

but shouldn't concern me in the slightest.

Perfect. Now hit the streets!

The new broom on Dad's lip

swept the city clean.

Hold it, punk.

Hold it, pug.

Drop the loot, scum.

It's take-a-penny, leave-a-penny!

More like take-a-tase, take-a-tase.

Indecent exposure!

My butt cheeks!

Why would you do that?

So, I'm kind of nitpicky as a cop.

No, you're not good.

Just keep going, Gene.

*I'm engaged to Hugo! *

*Is that good? I don't know! *

Public nuisance detected!

*As long as I don't think about it *

*Too much, yeah *

Beanbag deployed.

*I... *

Oh, my mouth!

Hey, it's you! You a cop now?

You look different with that mustache.

You look good!

Compliment accepted.

I'll pass that along to my supervisors.

They'll be jazzed.

You have the right to buy me a cup of coffee.

Please don't use cute cop speak.

It's not cute.

So tell me about yourself.

There's not much to tell.

My ding-dong is not robotic.

They are buggy.

Gene!

It was bound to come up! - See, Gene?

You couldn't stop fate even in your own story.

Dad has a mustache, and he and Mom are hitting it off

like peanut butter and Jerry.

You know, that kid from school

who has peanut butter every day? Jerry?

Don't get attached,

because not everyone lives-- hint, hint. - No!

I can't get over how handsome you look now.

Thank you. You are the eighth most attractive woman

I've seen today.

I arrested seven supermodels.

I mean prostitutes.

Of all the women who are not supermodel-prostitutes,

you are the most attractive.

How about I give you a little kiss?

For free, right?

You zapped me!

This is how you throw a shrimp.

We've met before. - I know!

That's why, when I saw you,

I said, "Hey, it's you!"

You can say that to anyone.