The Landlord

Helen!

Smoke is pouring into our apartment!

Is it a fire? - Just relax.

Everybody, go down the stairway. Wait in the courtyard.

The fire department is on its way.

Miss Lynch!

I'm coming in.

There's no fire. - God.

She left that in the oven? Where the hell is Meghan?

Donna, please, will you go downstairs and wait?

Miss Lynch?

Miss Lynch, are you here?

No wonder I'm single. Okay.

So, I want to let you all in on a little secret.

Whoo! I love secrets!

Yeah, I bet you do.

Seriously though, my secret is that this my first time on stage.

I've been doing comedy for a while now.

You can see some of my work on YouTube, Facebook, Tinder.

I bet you are on Tinder! Whoo!

Okay, look, sir, obviously you're very excited...

...that a woman is giving you this much attention.

But, just have some fun, okay?

I'm about to reveal some very interesting things about myself,...

like I am from Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

I know what you're thinking. - Shut up.

No, honestly, I moved to LA...

...because there was a weirdo who wouldn't leave me alone.

Yeah. I had a legitimate online stalker.

Wait. You're not him, are you?

Yeah. How long have you known him? You trust him?

He's actually my husband.

You poor thing.

Just for fun, can I look through your phone, sir?

Um, I don't know. Are you serious?

Yeah. What, are you out of data or something?

What have you got to hide? - Yeah, honey.

Yeah, come on.

Here. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay. How did I know your screen would be cracked?

Okay, let's see.

Nice anniversary pictures. - What a gentleman.

You took her to a bed and breakfast.

Okay.

Hey, Jim, I AirDropped you a picture.

Can you put it up on the screen, please?

What are you, a politician?

Who'd you send that to?

Me. He only sent that to me. He was away on business.

Honey, you don't need to give an exposition.

Why? It's cute. I think it's cute.

We think it's cute, right?

All right, come get your phone. You've been a good sport.

Everyone, give him a round applause, please.

Thank you.

You guys have been great. I'm Alyssa Haroldson.

You can follow me at alllhair, three L's.

Thanks so much. That's my time. Thank you!

Alyssa Haroldson, everyone!

What did you say?

Jerk.

You're really funny, by the way.

Thanks, man.

Great set. Can I get you anything?

I heard drinks were on him.

Ha ha.

I'll just have a bottle of water.

So what happened?

Well, let's see.

We were laughing at one of your jokes,

and then I, quite innocently,

asked her if she had any scandalous photos on her phone.

And... splash.

Splash. - Yeah.

Best Tinder date ever.

So what do you do when you're not getting drinks thrown in your face?

I install high-end home theater equipment.

But actually, things are really taking off as a Realtor.

Really?

Yeah, why? You need a 4K TV?

No. I'm in need of an apartment though.

Touché.

Your girl, six o'clock.

She's burning a hole in the back of my head, isn't she?

I'm worried for your safety.

So go apologize. It was nice talking to you.

Hey, Alyssa.

I'm Oliver, by the way.

Yeah, you're not creepy at all by following me out here.

How'd you know my name?

You announced it from the stage like three times.

No, I'm not being creepy.

Look.

You said you need an apartment,...

...and I know of one in a great neighborhood...

...that should've been gone in a hot second.

But the landlord is picky.

He's rejected two dozen clients in the last month, but...

I can get you an interview.

And if he likes you, then maybe I can get you a break on rent

or a low deposit, if you're looking to buy.

That's really kind of you,...

...but there is no way that I can afford...

...anything in any decent neighborhood.

We can hardly afford this fleabag motel...

...that we're staying in now, while I look for work, so...

We?

Me and my cat.

All right.

Well, look, it's a great apartment.

And I actually live in the complex too.

Who knows?

Maybe I can convince the landlord to like you.

You actually remind me a lot of the last tenant.

Well, it's getting chilly.

Thanks for the offer, but I gotta go.

Hey, Oliver.

Go apologize to that girl.

She's cute.

She sure is cute.

Hey, I called the police! You better get the hell out of here!

911. What's your emergency?

Hi. Someone's trying to break into my motel room.

Okay, relax. It's gonna be okay.

I need you to tell me where you're located.

Miss?

Miss, I'm showing multiple calls coming from this line in our system.

Are you okay?

Miss, are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Honey?

Please, honey, let me in.

Miss? Are you in danger? - I forgot my keys again.

You need to let me know if you're in danger.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry to bother you. Everything's okay.

Wow. This place is gorgeous. - I know, right?

I live in 5045. The vacant apartment is 2013.

There's no way I could afford to live here.

I don't know.

I know the owner and her brother. I help them fill vacancies.

Each place has free Wi-Fi and an HDTV, courtesy of me,...

...so they owe me big-time.

We'll see.

This is too good to be true. Too rich for my blood.

We're gonna meet 'em right in here.

Okay, remember.

Robert can be very... judgmental.

If he comes off cold, don't worry about it. It's just how he is.

The last guy I brought in, he wouldn't even look at.

He just shook his head.

If this doesn't work out,...

I have plenty of other places I can show you.

Now, I should probably tell you about the apartment...

Don't you worry, Oliver.

We'll tell her everything she needs to know.

Hi, Mrs. Fallsworth, Robert.

This is Alyssa Haroldson,...

...the new tenant I was telling you about.

Pushy, isn't he? - A bit.

I have to go on an errand,...

...so my brother Robert is going to show you the apartment.

I'd be delighted.

Alyssa, is it? - Yes.

What a beautiful name.

Thank you.

It is, isn't it?

Okay, Robert, I'm off.

Don't forget to show her the new tile I had you put in.

I won't.

I'm sure that Oliver's already told you...

...about all the technical upgrades we've made.

Yes, very impressive. Free Wi-Fi.

And so much more.

This way.

What a jerk.

The elevator is right here.

Second floor, right? You guys go down.

I'll take the stairs.

Okay.

Hi.

Do I know you?

No, no. I'm going to 2013 to meet Robert to look at the apartment.

Yeah, 2013, right.

Yeah. Can I help you?

No, that's kind of you.

Walking up and down these stairs is how I get my steps in.

Well, if I take this apartment, you'll be seeing me a lot.

I only take the stairs too.

Well, that'll be really nice.

Well, have a good one.

You too.

Sorry. You're gonna need one of these if you wanna open the door.

We're high security here.

Shall we look at your apartment, Miss Haroldson?

Your apartment?

Well, here we are.

Okay, this is a master fob.

Yours will be personally coded to open your door,...

...the stairwell doors and the front door and,...