Samuel the Boy Prophet

Come on. Come on. Come on!

Ow! Aah!

Brian! Brian, I got it!

- Got what? - The new job that I applied for in Italy.

- I got it. - Hey, congratulations, man!

I knew it! Didn't I tell you?

You think positive, you test positive!

Preach that to all my clients.

- Yeah. - I finally get to leave

the worst job in history...

Bad pay, an evil boss.

Oh, before you go, any suggestions

on what nice thing I can say to Fat Rob in accounting?

No more office that thinks being eco-friendly means having only one toilet,

and a break room you can't even take a break in.

Then there's Audrey.

Audrey Piatigorsky. She is perfect.

Kevin: Everything she does and says...

and how she smiles and laughs.

Of course, she's got this awful boyfriend

she's had since college... Brock.

I think he might actually be

the mean coach from The Karate Kid.

Not Mr. Miyagi, the white dude.

- The white dude. Yeah. - Yeah.

He has no idea how lucky he is, you know?

But I've known. I've known since my first day at work.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Ooh. I think you have something on your teeth, right here.

Oh.

That's when you knew she was your dream girl?

Man, you come face-to-face with a hundred people a day,

and nobody says anything about the spinach in your teeth.

- Yeah. - And there's one person...

who actually does say something.

Well, that's Audrey.

She's different. She's special.

But she'll never be with me, and I can't take sitting next to her every day, man.

It's driving me crazy. Monday cannot come soon enough.

Huh? You... You're going Monday?

- Yes. - Oh, I see what you're doing.

You're telling me at work so I don't make a scene,

'cause I gotta be professional.

- Brian. - Don't.

I wish I could go with you, man.

Living in Los Angeles always felt like part one of our friendship,

and you know the sequel always takes place in Europe.

- I'm sorry. - Crazy, wrong-side-of-the-road driving,

topless girls at the beach,

foreign girls that say my name like this... "Brai-en."

- Dude, you can come visit me. - I made $400 last year, Kevin.

- Where am I going? - Okay, well,

I'm coming home for Christmas.

I got it! You miss your flight 'cause of a snowstorm.

Uh-oh, a fake Santa Claus steals all of our gifts.

And guess what. In the end,

you know we're gonna learn that life lesson about the power of friendship.

This is gonna work. Let's go.

Come here.

- Hello? - Are you so excited?

I'm so excited. I already love Los Angeles,

and I'm only in San Bernan-dinano or whatever.

Moving on a whim was the perfect plan, Kev.

Are you so excited? I'm so excited.

I actually am excited.

I got a new job in Italy,

so I am moving out.

What? Kev, that's amazing!

This works out kind of perfectly, 'cause...

Can I be like a thousand percent honest?...

I didn't really wanna share an apartment with you.

You're my brother and I love you,

but like a million percent honest,

I thought it'd be super weird when I brought guys back there.

And guess what. That is happening.

- Probably kind of a lot. - Okay, Roxanne.

Ooh! Roxie. Roxanne sounds slutty.

Oh, I gotta go, Kev. I'm gonna flash my boobs at this cute guy.

Hey, you! Can you tell your kids to cover their eyes?

So, it's true?

Yes, I... I quit.

No, that you have a weird paper clip and binder fetish.

Everyone's been talking about it.

Yeah, well... Yeah, no... no fetishes here.

Unless my partner's into that, and then, you know,

put me in pigtails, give me a lollipop,

and let's start changing some diapers.

Yeah, that stuff is weird.

So weird. I don't know why I said that.

- It's so... - Hey, guys, lay low.

Julia's handing out a crappy account...

Dreyerson Nursing Home and Hospice Spa.

Nothing but Ensures and seltzers,

it's way out in the boonies, and it reeks.

Ricky! That is not your business!

Sorry, boss!

Like, urine with a dash of hummus or something.

It's real bad smell over at Dryerson.

- Oh, that is so gross, Ricky. - Hey, a bunch of us

- wanna get together in your honor tonight. - Oh, you guys don't...

- How fun! - Sure, great. Where? When?

- Oh, I wish I could go. - What?

Brock has his big tournament tonight. It's regionals.

Or is it semi-regionals? Or is it semi-final regionals?

Is there such a thing as regional regionals?

- Nope. That'd be weird. - You're so devoted.

Craftworks Gastropub and Tapas Bar.

Six o'clock. It's gonna be epic,

especially if we can get a booth by the air conditioner.

Brian: I'm gonna be fine without you here.

Me and Ricky, we gonna turn it up!

So, what you gonna do with all your old furniture?

- You gonna give it away or...? - Oh, I was gonna leave it for my sister.

- I'm sorry, man. - Pssh! Don't be, okay?

I look like the type of guy that wants hand-me-down furniture?

Uh-uhh!

What you gonna do with all your old clothes?

You gonna give those away?

I'm coming, Ricky!

Kevin! You guys are still here!

I thought you guys couldn't make it. The finals or whatev...

Quarter regional finals of the semis.

Kicked ass in record speed. Pow, pow!

- Yeah. - Couldn't have done it without her.

- She paid my entrance fee. - She...

- Come on, babe, let's dance. - Oh!

Whoo!

Mmm! Looks like the quarterback needs a chaperon for the prom.

Hey, get lost! Score some weed!

Kevin! Come on!

Oh, no, no, no. I can't.

Aww! You'll never see any of us ever again!

So, what's your new job?

Well, it's still in food supply,

but... it's a little closer to what I actually want to be doing.

Which is...?

Oh, you wanna hear that too?

Wow. We are... We are really talking here.

I, uh...

I wanna own like a little hotel or something someday.

You know, the whole hospitality thing.

Well, you'd be so good at that.

I mean, you're always taking care of everyone.

I'm really gonna miss you taking care of me.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm great. I'm great.

My goodbye party. I'm saying goodbye.

Why wouldn't that be great?

Okay, I'll drop it.

But you know you can tell me things, right?

I mean, we have shared a crappy cubicle wall for three years, after all.

Audrey...

Actually, there is something I do wanna tell you.

What is it?

Babe, we gotta go, okay?

Your boss is about to hurl and she wants me to hold her hair.

Oh! That is why I don't do that.

Oh.

Morning! Hi, Kevin.

Hey, buddy. What's up, kid?

Oh boy.

Roxie: Whoo! I'm here!

Oh...! What happened last night?

Oh, I stayed with a guy

who is the cousin of a guy that I dated in high school.

Well, I mean, I was in high school,

he was just finishing up community college...

or community service. By the way, those are not the same thing.

Why is your furniture still here?

I was leaving it for you, so you wouldn't have to buy any.

- Oh, that's so super sweet of you. - No, no.

But this is the kind of stuff

you leave on the curb, and you see a drunk person passed out on it the next day.

But this drunk person is gonna be passed out on something way nicer.

Roxie, I'm feeling weird about leaving you.

I mean, you're a little too immature to be out here on your own.

- I can't believe Mom is okay with this. - I am very mature, okay?

And when Mom realizes I'm not in my room, I'll text her for sure.

Okay, I'm gonna give her a call.

She wanted to know my flight info anyway.

Kev, get on that. God, the poor woman's probably panicked.

- Ooh, hey, from my new company in Italy. - What's wrong with you?

Wait. What?

Canceled?

"Gourmet Couture regrets to inform you

that unseasonably warm weather

has adversely affected the truffle crop.

As such, we no longer need

a truffle oil and sea salt manager."

But I was gonna be the truffle oil and sea salt manager.

I can't believe that job fell through!

Now I have to live with my stupid sister

and beg to get my stupid job back.