The Goes Wrong Show

Welcome back to Play Of The Week, where each week a new play

is performed live in front of a studio audience here in Cornley

and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the director.

Tonight, I am thrilled to present the first legal drama

we've ever staged,

although, admittedly, not the first we've ever been involved in.

Before we begin, I do have one parish notice.

Unfortunately, there has been an error with the technical drawings

for the courtroom set.

While the dimensions were written in inches, they were interpreted

by the builders in centimetres.

So, that does mean the courtroom is a little snug,

but I'm sure you will barely notice.

So, the actors are prepared.

The stage is set.

This play is A Trial To Watch.

You look nervous. Maybe a little.

Well, don't worry about the judge.

I've got Shawcroft wrapped around my little sleeve.

Ever since the Weatherby case I had a real finger up his ace.

In all my years on the force, I'd never seen a judge throw out

so much evidence. I'd be willing to bet good money that...

I'm going to stop you right there.

Isn't that what got you chopped off the force to begin with,

betting too much money on things?

Remember, Jack, I...

I know what I'm doing. ..I know what I'm doing.

I'm the best defence lawyer in the country.

You're the best defence lawyer in the country.

No, you are. I am.

I'm the best defence lawyer in the country.

You're right. I'm in good hands.

Well, well, well.

Look who it is, it's...it's...

Becky Sandhurst. Becky Sandhurst!

Leader of the prostitution. Prosecution.

She's my sex life. Ex-wife. Ex-wife.

She's my ex-wife. Morning, Karl, you're looking well.

Morning, Karl, you're looking well.

How's Jess? Long pause.

Come on, Becky, I have every right to ask about my daughter!

She's fine. Hope she's not too disappointed

when her mum loses the case. Loses?

You may as well give up now.

We have the truth on our side.

Since when has the truth mattered?

I get off with all my clients.

Get all of your clients off. I do.

And that's why I'm going to get jacked off.

Get Jack off. You know me,

I don't have any...scrup-lay?

Your lack of scruples is exactly the reason I don't allow you

to see your daughter any more. I know you still love me, Becky.

The man I loved knew the difference between right and wrong.

Sexual tension thrums between them.

I'll see you in court.

Oh...

All rise.

Morning.

Be seated.

Order.

Bailiff, please summon the jury. Summon the jury.

Come along, please.

No, no... I've got to, I'm the foreman. I'm the foreman.

Ow, ow! Stop pushing. Stop pushing. Sod it. No. Sod that.

Call the defendant to the dock. Defendant to the dock.

Jack Inwood,

you stand here on trial before a jury of three of your peers.

You are charged with the murder of your brother,

Nigel Terrence Inwood. Counsel, how does your client plead?

Guilty, Your Honour. Not guilty.

The script says guilty. Not guilty now. That's later.

Not guilty now, but guilty later.

Have the jury elected a foreman? They have, Milord.

Will the foreman please rise? He's in the hall. Moving on.

Madam Prosecutor, proceed. Your Honour...

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I put it to you that the defendant

killed his brother in cold blood

on the night of August the 11th.

You will hear how Nigel Inwood returned home,

expecting to see his wife Angela Inwood, MP,

but, instead, was faced

with his brother, who was waiting for him in the living room.

Living room, living room...

Don't worry. It's going to be OK.

Angela, I'm home.

Nigel, you're home early, aren't you? What are you doing here?

I needed to talk to you.

Can I pour you a brandy? Sure. Haven't seen you in a while.

Mind if I finish the bottle? Go ahead.

Place looks different. You redecorated.

Well, we're halfway there.

Who's this? That's me. Bit of a hobby of mine.

Do it every Saturday.

Always the show-off. Look, Jack, just spit it out.

What have you got to say?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

What have you got to say?

I can't pay you back the money.

You know what your problem is, Jack?

I'm sure you're going to tell me. You're selfish.

You just take, and you take, and you take.

What do you want me to say? I lost it. At the casino?

I'm sorry!

This is the last straw. Calm down, Nige.

I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding.

I'm bleed...

Blood...

This is Professor Imogene Winterbottom

beginning autopsy report for Nigel Inwood.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh!

Subject is male, aged 29.

No residual scars or markings.

There is an acute laceration to the chest...

Ooh, cold.

From a sharp object. Making first incision.

Internal organs appear uncontaminated.

Oh!

No foreign bodies.

Nothing unusual.

Proceeding to the heart.

Thank you!

The heart has been pierced.

Lacerations to the first and fourth ventricle.

The nature of the laceration...

The nature of the lacerations indicate the assailant

would have been left-handed and approximately six foot tall.

Approximately six foot tall.

Mr Inwood, would you please stand up to your full height?

The attacker was six foot.

Mr Inwood stands at...

two foot nine. Exactly the same.

Erection!

Objection. How can you object to that?

What's the matter, Becky, can't keep up?

Order in court! I'm sorry, Your Honour.

That's quite all right. Please proceed.

My client is innocent. I'll be the one to decide that.

You're just trying to undermine me because I'm your ex-wife.

Are you really going to let her speak to me like that, Milord?

Order! Order! Stop this at once. Don't you know who I am?

Mr McKennon, on this occasion, the court will be glad

to uphold your erection. Objection!

Is there anything you'd like to add? Yes, Your Honour.

Some arrogant legal stuff and a line about him being right-handed

that's important for the plot later.

My God, you're good.

Do you request a mistrial?

I request a mistrial! Request denied!

The prosecution will now question Mr Inwood.

Mr Inwood, did you hate your brother?

This is outrageous. Mr Inwood!

Bailiff, please join the defendant in the dock. If you can't conduct

yourself appropriately, you shall have to be supervised.

Mr Inwood, you were waiting in your brother's house

with the intention to kill him, weren't you?

That's not true. The evening started just as you described.

I was waiting for Nigel in his living room.

Living in, living room... living room, living room.

Living room. Living room. Living room.

Living room. Living room.

Living room. Living room.

Living room. Living room.

Living room! Living room! Living room! Living room!

Living room! Living room, living room, living room...

Don't worry, it's going to be OK.

Angela, I'm home.