Kick-Ass 2

A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.

Hey, whoa. Absolutely not. No.

Mmm-mmm.

Look, if you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it.

Okay. Good, I don't wanna do it.

Fine.

Goddamn! I'm alive.

Oh!

Oh, that's amazing!

I know, right. So...

Hmm.

Ready to go again?

Absolutely not.

Fine.

Don't just say "fine" and then shoot me in the chest.

'Cause it's not cool.

Like at all.

Okay. Jeez.

I always wondered why no one tried to be a superhero before me.

It turns out somebody had. Mindy Macready.

After her dad died, his old partner on the force,

Marcus, became her guardian.

Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing? Nice backpack.

Thanks.

Steal it from a 6 year old?

Marcus dropped her off every day.

But as soon as he was gone, so was she.

No one at school found out because she hacked into the server

and gave herself the award for perfect attendance.

Hit Girl and Big Daddy had been the real deal.

Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask

as long as there were criminals to take down.

But no matter how many drug dealers she stopped,

she couldn't stop feeling alone.

Me? I'd given up being a superhero

because it was way too dangerous.

Only problem, I was dying of boredom.

Like most high school seniors,

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

Hell, I didn't know what channel I wanted to watch.

It's just TV, Dave, not peace in the Middle East.

My best friends Todd and Marty

had no clue I was the first superhero to go public.

You guys watch Spider-Man last night?

Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?

Not if you're a granny-slammer.

They may wear costumes, but it isn't Halloween.

They're real life superheroes,

and in the 2 years since the first ordinary citizens

donned capes and masks,

the movement has started to spread.

I became a superhero because of Kick-Ass.

Yeah, you just come home from work,

you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.

Help us make the streets safe.

I inspired all those people to get off their asses,

and now I was stuck on mine.

So that night after dinner, I decided to get my old costume out.

Sorry. Whoa! Can't you knock?

You know, buddy, it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself...

Oh, Jesus, Dad. Get out!

If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel,

I had to get serious.

Hey. Hey, can we chat?

Please, Mindy?

Get in the cab. Meter's running.

I wanna team up like Batman and Robin.

Nobody wants to be Robin.

What's wrong with Robin?

Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?

Robin wishes he was me.

What I'm trying to say is we should be partners,

you and me, like the dynamic duo.

I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee.

So? Train me.

I wanna walk the walk,

and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero.

Aren't you tired of being on your own?

Don't you wanna know someone's there for you?

Someone who's got your back?

And you'll do anything I say?

Anything.

Hit me.

You're a 15-year-old girl.

What the hell?

Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.

Oh, goddamn.

Mindy beat me like morning wood every day for 3 weeks.

Come on. Guard up! Left, right, guard up!

Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell.

But, in a weird way, I kinda liked it.

It gave me a sense of purpose.

What happened to your face? Nothing.

Like we were driving towards something.

Goddamn!

Oh! Oh, that's amazing!

All the other people putting on masks were just playing superhero.

We were training to really do it.

I couldn't tell my girlfriend Katie, or Marty and Todd.

But I didn't care. We were having too much fun.

Left, right, left!

Our own superhero team.

It was gonna be balls.

What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?

Yes. Yes, I did, Christopher.

That was the one with Kick-Ass.

Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop obsessing over this superhero.

He is not a superhero, Mom, he's a murderer.

He blew up Dad with a bazooka, for fuck's sake!

Your father died in a fire.

A fire? What is your problem?

You! You are my problem!

I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy!

That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.

A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch!

This conversation is over.

Great. Then I'm leaving.

Come on, Javier, be cool.

Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool.

I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner!

You threw away my Red Mist costume.

God! I am not the problem! You are!

I wish you were dead!

Mommy?

Don't touch that.

Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?

It's a last resort. Like if all else fails and you're about to die.

Are you not scared to die?

Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?

I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night?

It could happen.

If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain, you are going to die.

My daddy was never afraid of dying.

Look where that got him.

He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day.

And that's why he made me promise

I'd never stop defending this city.

Cross my heart,

hope to die.

Your dad was insane. You know that, right?

You're wrong, Dave. My daddy was the first real superhero,

not you or Red Mist. It was my daddy,

and it was an honor to serve by his side.

Hey, Min, how was school?

Super crazy.

Miss Mullins was out today,

so we had Mr. Cooper teaching us biology, such a grump.

Oh, really? That's weird because Principal Himoff called me yesterday.

You were supposed to get an award

for perfect attendance, but you didn't attend.

I followed you this morning. Saw you get into a cab with some boy,

and I lost you guys over the bridge.

So now you wanna tell me where you really were today?

I'm really sorry, Marcus. I didn't wanna make you mad.

Cut the waterworks, Min. You're 15, not 5.

Okay.

Look, he asked me to out class and go to the mall.

So,yeah, yeah, I did.

This has nothing to do with you being Hit Girl?

I'm not gonna find any ninja blades

or throwing stars under your bed?

No. I just wanted him to like me. Okay?

Sweetie, skipping school's not a way to get boys to like you.

I'm so stupid. Hey, hey.

You're one of the smartest little girls I know. Let's go get some pizza.

What, you mean I'm not grounded?

Well, just consider this a warning.

Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away?

What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff?

Damn, she had a nice pair of guns.

Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits.

I was talking about these.

Oh, those. Those were my dad's.

Why don't you keep them?

Are you sure?

Yeah. I mean, they belong to you, right?

Come on, Chris. You're your own man now.

Just be careful, all right? Yeah.

Whoa!

Definitely don't wanna keep those!

I'll take care of it.

You take the day off. Later.

Hey.

So, are you ready for your first field test?

What am I supposed to do with these?

Put them on and, uh, go fishing.

I'm the whitest pimp ever.

That's the idea.

Take the next right. Comes out on Flatbush.

You sure I should be doing this without my gear?

That's the point.

Kick-Ass isn't a costume. Kick-Ass is who you really are.

Dave Lizewski is the mask.

Well, my "mask" is about to get his teeth kicked in.

Hey, queer bait, where are you going with those bags, man?

Tell him you're on your way to fuck his mother with a 12-inch strap on.

I'm just taking a walk.

This really isn't what I do. I usually just call the cops.

Who are you talking to, man?

Uh, I'm just on a call. It was...