Family Guy

¶ It seems today that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶ ¶ It seems today that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

¶ ¶

Fart joke.

Sir, you need to get ready

for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.

Thank you, shape-shifting valet.

Remember, sir, I can be any shape you wish.

Yeah, but you're already this, so...

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Beg your pardon.

Coming through.

Nice to see you.

Thank you for coming.

What if I told you you could accumulate

all the wealth you'd ever want

simply by learning the secrets of real estate?

Oop, wrong room.

And then what if you could use that wealth

to turn yourself into a Broadway star?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen

and 14 other genders we have now.

I'm Lane Bergan,

the biggest star of May 2020 and on.

So, if you've only watched TV up until April of 2020,

my name would be unfamiliar to you.

Lane Bergan?

What, did Brett Kingston say no?

When the Dwayne Johnson Center for Confusing Ethnicity

approached me about hosting this night,

I said it'd be an honor to bestow upon

Stewart Gilligan Griffin our Lifetime Achievement Award.

When Stewie invented the Wipeless Dump,

our rainforests were hanging on by a thread.

Now, are there too many trees?

Ladies and gentlemen, Stewart Griffin.

Thank you for this wonderful honor.

It's so wonderful to be here with all of you.

You guys mind stopping for just one minute?

When I heard I was going to be receiving this award, I...

I'm not the person who yells at waiters,

but maybe everyone bussing tables can freeze?

I-I don't understand why I'm the person

who has to be saying this, okay?

Okay, I'll never forget the first time I...

Wow, really?

This award means the world to...

...me...

and I want to thank...

everyone who...

Anybody with a bowtie on,

stop what you're doing, walk into the coatroom,

and don't come out until I'm done talking!

I-I don't yell at waiters.

I'm now going to stop mid-sentence

because I see someone from my...

Brian?

So, Brian, how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.?

You two still hanging out?

No. He died.

I'll never forget it,

it was Spiro Agnew's birthday.

Wow, so you, uh, really went all-in

with the Japanese screens.

Yes, I really like changing in silhouette

while carrying on a conversation.

Will you excuse me?

So, how was your flight?

It was, uh, it was fine.

I had a layover in Atlanta...

What are you doing back there?

Just getting into something more comfortable.

Can I interest you in a nightcap?

-I think I've got... -Who is that?

A little privacy, please!

What the hell was all that?

I have a lot of money, Brian.

But let's continue this while I take a very foggy shower.

No, Stewie, come on.

I haven't seen you in almost 50 years.

And you haven't even told me how great I look.

You do look great.

Thanks to me.

I invented a pill to extend your life.

It's called "Semper Fido."

What? Why?

Aren't you going to say anything about the cute name I gave it?

Ha.

What? Why?

I snuck it in your food because I wanted you

to live long enough to see that global warming is bull crap.

Oh, my God, we were so wrong about that.

If anything, it's way colder now.

Yes, and now thanks to you,

we're stuck with President Polar Bear.

President Polar Bear, is it true

you ate the presidential seal?

That was a simple misunderstanding.

-No further questions. -President Polar Bear!

President Polar Bear, what did you do for a Klondike bar?

I believe the president has answered all of your questions.

Here's what I don't understand--

why did you even want me to live this long

if you were just gonna leave me?

It's not about you, Brian.

I couldn't take it back there.

But they were your family, Stewie.

I guess I'm just not a family guy.

Mom and Dad always wanted me to be someone I wasn't.

Stewie Griffin, get in here right now!

-Yeah? -Well, I just got our Christmas card photos.

You want to tell me what you're doing with your hands here?

Nothing.

Exactly, nothing.

And what does the greeting at the top of the card say?

"Merry Christmas and a Shocking New Year."

And what is every other member of the family

doing with their hands?

-The shocker. -Right.

Now, listen, Stewie, I'm a cool dad, all right?

I could care less what you do with the pink, truly.

But the stink is where you get the "shocking."

You get that?

You get what I'm saying?

Even if it's just one, that's fine.

But you got to put something there.

I-I think it's gonna be fine.

I'm sure people won't even notice.

Oh...

Anyway, that's why I left.

Well, that was a long time ago.

You have to come back.

Stewie...

Peter is dying.

What?

Oh, my God, that's awful.

So, you'll come see him?

Of course.

You know, he once asked me in the event

that he was sick to clear his Google history.

"Peter Griffin search history."

"Winnie the Pooh,

"Winnie the Pooh jacket,

"Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket,

"Winnie the Pooh letterman jacket,

"Winnie the Pooh windbreaker,

"Eeyore jacket,

"Eeyore vintage jacket,

"Eeyore letterman jacket,

lactating pregnant Latinas..."

Wow. Huge turn there.

"Piglet pencil erasers."

Okay, getting back in there.

"Full cast Winnie the Pooh backpack."

Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah.

"Coughing up blood, pain in abdomen,

Winnie the Pooh casket."

Yeah, he is sick.

You know, while we're here,

let's take a look at your search history.

No, Stewie, that's...

"Spiro Agnew birthday."

What a weird thing to try to impress me with.

Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin.

We have to pick up Chris?

Yeah, what's the problem?

Uh, we didn't exactly get along too well.

Especially after Grandpa died and left me the dark boathouse.

You can still use the boathouse

on non-vacation Sundays in the spring.

I've always taken care of you, Chris.

Taken care of me?

You're my kid brother, you take care of me?

Sorry, I came down here to vape.

Send Chris off to do this, send Chris off to do that.

I'm supposed to be shoveling the driveway.

I'm your older brother, Stewie, and I was stepped over!

It's the way Grandpa wanted it.

It ain't the way I wanted it!

Sounds like you're having a personal conversation.

I'll put in my earbuds.

I'm smart!

Not like everybody says, like dumb.

I'm smart and I want respect.

¶ Funky Cold Medina. ¶

Chris, you live in filth.

What have you been doing?

Yeah, I kind of wasted my life,

except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk.

What?

Who's out there?.