Catastrophe

Sorry. Sorry!

- Sorry. Sorry. - That's OK.

I know it seems crowded,

but it only took me 40 minutes to get my last drink.

Is that all?

Hey, let me get yours.

It'll make me feel better about being in line for just a Coke.

You don't drink?

No, I quit a few years ago,

after I shit my pants at my sister's wedding.

OK, thank you.

- No, I'll get it. - No, it's fine.

Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.

OK. I'll have a margarita.

I've never had casual sex with a sober person before.

- You've got a really nice room. - Thank you. I got upgraded.

Yeah? Oh, shit.

Oh, God! (Giggles)

That was really unnecessary.

- You don't have a hairy back. - Neither do you.

I was all psyched up to deal with a hairy back.

- Uh, I have hairy balls. - Whoa!

- Oh, what the fuck? - Oh!

- Oh, shit. - Jesus, I'm sorry.

Uh...

That was exciting.

- Hi. - Hey!

- I was just sneaking out. - OK.

So, um... when do you... when do you go back?

- Thursday. - Well, that's...

Do you wanna have dinner?

Erm...

- Do you wanna have dinner? - Yeah. That's why I asked.

OK. Um, do you have a wife or anything?

- No. - No?

OK, well, I'll just... I'll write down my number.

Um, you know what, that's my work visa, so if you...

- Doesn't matter. - OK.

Great!

And I noticed that you took some things from the bathroom,

and that's fine, but could you leave the toothpaste?

No, I didn't take any tooth...

Oh, shit, I did, yeah. Sorry!

It's just small and cute.

Erm, so, you should probably open a window,

'cause it really stinks in here, OK?

Keep the change.

- That dinner was really nice. - The lamb was exceptional.

Ripped By mstoll

- So, what time is your flight? - 7:30.

- 7:30. - Yeah.

So, listen, I wanted to say

that I know this wasn't anything serious and it was just some fun...

- This wasn't serious? - No, when I say it wasn't serious...

- Goofing you, bro! (Laughs) - Yeah...

Go on. No, carry on. You were saying this was just a bit of fun?

I want you to know that I'm gonna look back on my time with you

and remember you as an extraordinarily good-smelling woman

with a magical ass.

And you're smart!

So you could even get away with being less attractive,

and you'd still be... fairly attractive.

Fuck!

Wow. OK. Erm...

I'll remember you

as a sturdy love-maker with a massive chin,

who was really kind to waiters and taxi drivers,

which suggests you might actually be a good person.

What time is it? It's 4:30.

Really, seriously, you're gonna have to go faster.

So, I thought it was fine if I asked you out, because you're a temp.

If you worked with us permanently, this wouldn't be appropriate.

But you're a temp, so we just won't hire you again.

OK. You're funny.

So, tell me something about you.

Well, I'm doing my Masters at Boston University and...

I'm sorry. This is my mom.

And she's calling me back

'cause I called her 'cause it's her birthday.

Hey, so great to hear from you!

I'm sorry that I haven't called.

But I have some good news. I'm gonna be in London in April.

But I'm pregnant.

- Did you just say 'pregnant'? - Yeah, I said 'pregnant'.

Do you want me to say it again? Pregnant.

How? I don't understand. I mean, how?

Well, I think it's because we had sex about 25 times in a week,

and you wore a condom maybe twice... twice of those times.

- Why did you let me do that?! - I don't know! Because...

...I was drunk the first...

...and even though I wasn't drunk most of the other times,

there was a precedent there that you took complete advantage of!

What do you wanna do?

I wanna build a time machine out of your fucking carcass,

and go back and make it un-happen!

- Do you want me to come over sooner? - No!

Yeah. I don't know. I just...

I don't know what you do when you get pregnant by a stranger.

- I don't know the etiquette. - I'm not a stranger!

I'm a familiar... acquaintance.

A friend, who helped you make a mistake,

but will now help you...

...figure it out. OK?

Is your mom OK?

Huh?

Oh.

No. She's pregnant.

So, why don't you tell me a little bit about you now?

Hm...

Oh, shit.

Hi.

I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.

And it only says 'Rob' because... I don't know your surname.

- It's Norris. - It's... it's Norris?

Mine's Morris.

Morris and Norris.

Well, at least that's fucking ridiculous.

You just don't think stuff like this will happen.

What, that repeated sexual intercourse

between two healthy adults

will do the exact thing it's supposed to do?

Have you ever done a science class?

Do you know how to read?

I'm sorry.

I'm not pregnant, and you are,

and it's because of me,

but if you're gonna have this baby, then...

Who says I'm gonna have it?

Well, how old are you?

Look, the good news is that we're reasonably good people,

so we could probably do this and not fuck the kid up too horribly.

I'm just saying a terrible thing has happened.

Let's make the best of it.

So, where are you staying?

I'm joking. You can stay in my spare room.

I'm joking, I'm a teacher! I don't have a spare room.

- Do you want some? - Sure.

Hello. Do you know if Miss Morris is finished with her classes?

- Is she under arrest? - No, I'm just waiting...

- Are you American? - Yes, I am.

- Do you know Barack Obama? - No, I don't.

Do you know his daughters?

I know Sasha, but I don't know Malia.

How do you know them if you don't know Barack Obama?

- I don't know them. - Are you a basketball player?

No.

- Why are you waving at Miss Morris? - Uh, because she's my girlfriend.

Is her hair a wig?

I don't... I don't think so.

- Do you know she's pregnant? - What?!

What did you just say?

- She's pregnant? - Oh, yeah, I knew that.

- Are you a basketball player? - Mm-hm.

Excuse me.

- Just... do that in the car. - OK.

So, got yourself some fans here.

We're not his fans.

I thought he was someone special.

I am special!

So, is this just a regular scan?

Yeah. Well, I can find out the sex this time, if I want.

Well, you know, do we want to?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a surprise?

Well, um, Rob...

It is Rob, isn't it? 'Cause I only met you about 20 minutes ago.

And now I'm pregnant with your baby,

so for the moment, I would like a whisper of certainty in my life.

Not... not even in my life - in my body.

Right, now, in reviewing your Pap smear,

we found an abnormality.

It's nothing to worry too much about yet,

but you've got what's called cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

Strictly speaking, it's what we call a 'pre-cancer.'

- Cancer?! - Pre-cancer.

Frankly, I hate that it has the word 'cancer' attached to it,

because it isn't cancer,

but it's sort of next door to cancer.

- What is she saying? - That you do not have cancer.

Yeah, but she's said 'cancer', like, eight times.

Yeah, Doctor, you have said 'cancer' rather a lot.

Like, more than you would hear in a casual conversation

that isn't about cancer.

Yes, and I'm sorry.

But while, again, you do not have cancer,

you do have a situation that we need to monitor closely

so that it doesn't become cancer.

That's two more times she's said it. That's two more 'cancers'.

All it means is you'll come here

a little more frequently than you would've otherwise,

so that we can take a look-see at your cervix

and make sure it remains in the cancer-free state it's currently in.

Do you have pamphlets?

Yes, we have pamphlets.

I'm gonna get us some pamphlets.

Right, well, let's shift gears a little bit, shall we?

- And take a look at the baby. - OK.

Er, no, we go in through the tummy for this one.

OK.

Here we are. That's the heartbeat.