Four Rooms

I'm the only one left.

All comes down to one schmuck:

Me, the night shift bellhop.

What the hell is that? A bellhop? Huh? What is he?

Y-You know where the name comes from?

Huh? It's so simple, it's stupid.

Some schmuck rings a bell and ya hop.

Ya hop front and center.

Did you ever meet any of the old stars, then?

What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.

Ah, hey, you talk about stars, uh...

Hey, kid,

put this on.

Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on.

Let me see. Let me see.

You know, and to think that I wore that stupid thing for 50 years.

To think I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.

Yeah, well... Well, kid,

I'm gettin' my ass outta here.

Yep.

Yep, kid,

gotta go.

Listen, kid,

stay clear of...

night clerks, kids, hookers and married arguments.

Come on, stand up. Come on. I wanna say good-bye.

Now, uh...

Let me see. You... You wanna get a tip?

Hold your hand out. That's right. Now, uh, smile.

Give me a smile. Give me a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay ya,

you say to yourself, uh, "Fuck you, Jack."

You know what I mean? You never miss.

Tell you something else:

Keep your cock in your pants.

May I help you?

I have a reservation.

In the honeymoon suite.

- Kiva. - Wait up.

What'd I tell you about smoking?

- You smoke. - That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.

So, welcome to this week's edition of "Who is a Hypocrite?"

- This is my first guest. - That's enough, Kiva.

- You're not my mother. - Yes, I am.

Then why are we sleeping together?

Ahh.

Mmm.

Yes.

Thank you.

Yes, Mama loves the baby.

- -

Hello.

I'm lookin' for the room for makin' love.

Oh, right. You must mean the honeymoon suite.

- Well, it's straight that way. Can't miss it. - Uh-huh. I know where it is.

I just wanted you to know that I know where I'm goin', so you needn't bother with me.

- - Well, no problem. Where's your luggage?

I travel light.

Tell me, how long have the others been here?

About an hour.

One hour.

You're very late, Eva.

I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth. The placenta was late in coming.

Which birth is more important to you, Eva: That of a mortal,

or that of a goddess?

Will there be anything else, ladies?

Wait. We do need some things.

We need... fresh rosemary from the kitchen.

Mostly what we need is from the kitchen.

Hey. Are you listening?

Rosemary.

We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt.

Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt.

A bottle of spring water... French, not that Italian shit.

- Um, yes, and could I have some French fries? - Shut up, Kiva.

Some ginger and some raw meat.

- Liver, if you have it. - I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb fucking ritual.

Shut up, you little shit!

Hey.

- Don't talk to her that way. - Uh,

if there's nothing else...

Thank you.

- -

We're communing here on New Year's Eve...

to bring to life the great goddess Diana,

who was turned into stone in this very room...

40 years ago today.

Diana, O Great Beautiful One,

we make these offerings to you...

so that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you...

of the seed of your lover...

of your virginal blood...

of your very life.

We now form the symbolic rock...

with our bodies.

On this night, in this hour,

we call upon the ancient power.

O Goddess Bride,

we offer thee...

milk from a mother's sweet titty.

To reverse this evil which has been done,

I make this offering...

to the Divine One.

A whore not,

an innocent was,

for whom I seized a virgin's blood.

Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust,

to undo this awful spell is a real must.

To bring you life and get you high,

I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.

- -

O Diana, O Great One,

we live without sun...

until this wicked curse is undone.

In hope that you appear,

I have collected a year's worth of tears.

Goddess Diana, fail you, I will.

- I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. -

I had him erect, and his semen would follow,

but alas, I was hot,

so hot that I swallowed.

You stupid witch!

- You swallowed the sperm? You did? - Why didn't you use your hands?

Well, it just goes to show you what an amazing lack of control you have, Eva.

Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth?

- I understand, though. - Eva,

you got one hour to find me some sperm,

- one hour to show me... -

What kind of witch you can be.

- You hear me? - Uh-huh.

- - Ted, the bellhop.

Mr. Bellboy,

come right in.

Okay, mister.

Here is your $50 tip,

only you have to do one more thing.

You have to make our little Eva smile.

- - We'll leave you alone.

Don't use your mouth.

Oh.

Help me out here. I've got to earn this 50 bucks.

Look, they don't care if I smile or not.

They just want...

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

I've been around a bit, you know.

Well,

the five of us...

Athena, Jezebel, Raven, Elspeth and me... are a coven.

- Like a coven of witches. - Yes.

- Oh. - You see,

for 40 years we've been trying to...

reverse an evil spell that was placed on our goddess Diana.

She was a beautiful virgin,

an entertainer by trade but a great sorceress by design.

It was here in this very room on her wedding night...

that a jealous rival placed this curse on Diana.

Her husband was turned into a pink fish,

while our dear goddess...

a stone in her honeymoon bed.

This was Diana.

- She's the blonde. - Ah. Right.

Hmm.

Well.

Ooh.

Say.

Oh.

Well.

Hate to tell you this, but, uh,

I kinda doubt she was a virgin.

She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage.

If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm gonna go in there and get it myself.

That'd be a first for you.

You mean, you were supposed to bring, uh...

And you...