South Park

Episode 706 - Lil' Crime Stoppers

I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation.

Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night, people spouting, "Howdy neighbor!"

Headin’ on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

So, come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Yes? Oh, hello, boys.

Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives. We're wondering if you have any crimes to be solved, for a dollar.

Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now.

Awww, shit!

All right, sir, well, please call us if you need anything.

I'll do that. Have fun, boys.

Stupid assholes! How come nobody has a crime to solve?

Yeah, maybe starting a detective club isn't such a bright idea

It's a great idea, we just have to keep working at it.

Oh, hello there boys.

Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit.

Do you have any crimes you need to be solved, for a dollar?

Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well let me thin..

Oh yes, there is something! - Really?

Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked cherry pie out on my window sill to cool.

And later, when I went to get it, it was gone.

My God...

Have you reported this to any other authorities?

Noo, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids.

Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am.

We're on the case.

What have you got, Marsh?

Detective McCormick found something interesting.

Jesus, we're too late.

I think we can piece this case together now.

My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened to the pie?

Well, we've all talked it through and we've come up with a theory.

Well, what do you thnk happened, little detectives?

You said you set the pie in the window sill, where it must have sat for some time.

But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody.

Your husband.

He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet.

Slowly the rage built inside his mind.

Why won't she let me eat that pie?

Why does she always stop me from doing what I wanna do?!

His only solution became obvious:

Kill her!

His plan was to use a hammer.

Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing instant death.

Then to make it impossible for police to identify the body,

he'd use a shovel to remove your head.

Then saw off the arms and legs.

The torso he would dump into the lake.

The arms and legs he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub.

And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie.

But before he could go through with this entire plan,

he discovered that the pie had already been eaten...

...by your dog.

Looks like the game is over, old man!

Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching??

Just the news.

All right, all right, you you boys run along now.

Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady.

Fine, here, just go!

Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar!

We're in business!

Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp in Washington

Boys, you have a little visitor.

Is this the South Park Crime Unit?

Yes it is!

I lost my dollie.

Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will be all.

And get some more cookies and coffee! We're not paying you to sit on your ass!

Do you kow where your doll is?

If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost.

All right, Sarah, come over here.

Now, I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our

sketch artist, Kenny.

She has curly blonde hair.

And a red dress.

And a turned-up nose.

And a blue bow in her hair.

You got it, Ken?

All right, let's see.

Damnit Kenny, that's not what she said!

Put that away, dude!

Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll.

No sign of forced entry.

But the window isn't locked.

Right, so it's possible that the theif sat out in that tree.

He would have watched Sarah with the doll,

possibly while cutting the palms of his hands with a large knife.

The pain gave him sick pleasure.

Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy.

He would have had to have brough a shovel to decapitate it.

We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room.

All right, let's do this by the books! McDonnell,

give me smears of all the places the doll used to be!

Mitchell, run a tap on the phone!

Hey, kid, what are you doing?

Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?

Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this investigation!

Not anymore, you're not!

Hey, this is our case! You can't come in and take over!

Can't we? You guys are playing Detective.

We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction over you!

Aw crap!

I want choppers on the roof ready to go!

Dude, we've been working this case since two-thirty!

Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know.

Son of a bitch stupid FBI!

Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat.

No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives!

We've just gotta find that doll before thos FBI guys do.

Yeah!

Yeah, but how?

We're gonna have to just start bringing in people for questioning.

Right. I think I know exactly where to start.

Where were you this morning at nine o'clock, Butters?!

Ah, I was at home.

Your story is full of holes and I'm gonna beat your ass

if you don't start tellin' the truth!

Awww, don't be so hard. Maybe he's tellin' the truth, huh?

They've gotten really good at this good cop-bad cop thing.

You're going down, Butters! You hear me?!

Aw. Now just be nice. Poor lil thing.

You're worth a two-dollar criminal and you're lying!

Aw, please don't make him confess.

Well I don't have nothin' to confess. Honestly.

Fine! Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample.

How do I do that?

You just make the semen come out of your body

and fill it in this cup!

Well how do I make semen... come out of my body?

Stop playing games!

I'm not playing. I really don't know!

That does it! Wait right here!

Guys, did you hear that?

Butters doesn't know how you make seme come out of your body.

How... do you make semen come out?

I don't know. I was hoping you guys did.

It's that thing we learned about in school

where you pull on your weiner until white stuff comes out.

Really?

Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull and mager...venate your weiner really fast.

Oh okay.

Okay, retard, you really don't know how to make semen come out?!

No-o!

Follow me to the bathroom.

Aw, it's okay kid. It's just done in a jiffy

Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your weiner

until white stuff comes out, and then put it in this cup.

My weiner??

Yes, retard. Semen comes from your weiner. Now do it!

Well Butters?!

Ah I'm pullin' on my weiner, but nothin's happening.

Well pull harder!

It's not workin'

Try doin' it faster

Naw, nothin'

Butters, do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your life?!

NOOooo!

Then you'd better get that semen sample no matter how long it takes!

Okay!!

Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house!

Let's go!

Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me and Doctor... Flick

here just need to... check your vagina.

That's gay.

Yeah, that's gay.

Kyle!

Co?

Co??

Vidím dva kluky uvnitø.

Mají Sáøinu panenku, ty pitomej Žide!

They've got the doll!

Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down!

Huh huh who is it?!

South Park Junior Detectives! We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll!

They're playing Detective.

That's gay.

You're gay!

What do we do now?

I don't know.

Well if they're not gonna give us back the doll, then we have no choice.

Let's go tell on them.

Dude, we just can't tell on them.

Why not?

Because, dude, we're playing detectives! Detectives don't just go tell on people.

Detectives!

If you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off!

Yeah.

We were playing gynecologists and now we're playing criminals

That's gay.

We're gay.

Jesus! They're gonna kill her!

We've got to do something.

Time! Time is what we need, but time is something we ain't got!

Attention! You in the house!

This is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have you surrounded. Sort of.

Hey, you buttholes can't play FBI here!

Yeah! This was our hot lead!

And you did a great job leading us here. Now you just stay out of our way!