Fruitcake

Jenny!

Is something wrong? You're ignoring my messages.

Nothing. I've just been busy lately.

- Really? - Yeah, let's catch up later.

You could've hit me up. What's going on?

Uh... I've been busy with stuff. And my phone's acting up too.

- Talk to you later. - Promise?

- Jenny! - What now?

- Later? - Yeah, later.

Sex?

You're unbelievable!

As if you don't like it!

To all passengers, for your safety,

stay behind the yellow line.

Please step back. The train is approaching.

Thank you.

Sure. No worries.

Okay, let's go. One, two...

One, two, three.

- Thank you. Thank you! - Thank you.

I'll go ahead.

See you. See you tonight.

- Bye. - Take care.

Ma'am, this is the future.

- I'm good. - Senator Sam.

Okay.

Let's take some photos.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ma'am, it's Senator Sam.

- Thank you, Senator. - Sure.

Doors are closing.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Get out. You shouldn't be here. Hey! Hey!

Ah.

Dad, I'm off to work.

Have you had breakfast?

No, I might be late.

I could get stuck in traffic.

Hello, world!

Good morning! Good afternoon! Good evening!

No matter the time zone,

it's English time with Ospret!

English is fun!

- Good morning! - Hello.

Just a bit more. You can do it!

You're just too insecure!

What are you talking about? I'm not!

If you only knew, Mr. Ospret.

But I do know.

See, your camera's off!

That's not because of insecurity.

I told you it's broken.

Who are you kidding?

Your Facebook picture is not even you, unless...

you're an English-speaking butterfly or something?

Wow. So, you're stalking me, sir?

That's your insecurity speaking.

Stop it. I told you I'm not insecure.

You know what? First, speak to me in English.

English is what? English is fun!

Three pieces of shrimp dumplings.

- Dumplings? - Yeah.

I have to say, I admire your dedication.

You keep at it, even when no one's watching.

You are!

I'm happy, no matter what.

Everyone seems down lately, don't you think?

That's why I became a comedian.

You don't say!

Seriously, I have a show.

You should come. And if you know anyone struggling with English,

I'm an English tutor, specializing in call center accent.

- Great. Good for you. - I know, right?

Here's my payment. You can keep the change. Thanks.

A comedian, huh? Hey!

- Ospret! - Yeah?

- You're up next. - What?

- Yeah! - Alright! Thanks, Jay!

- Good luck! - Thank you!

My dad's a womanizer.

Who's that woman?

I don't know.

- Miko The Clown! Good luck, bro! - Stay here.

Amazing job!

You first, okay?

Oh. Thank you.

Idol!

Keep up with that, fucker.

Hey, hey!

Good evening. Good evening!

Good evening, everyone!

Oh yeah!

I missed you, guys! A bunch of phonies!

Who here has mothers? Let's hear those hands clapping!

There.

Looking for a new mom, since mine left when I was 13!

It's my dad. He's a womanizer.

My mom caught him several times.

"Who's that woman?" "What woman?"

"From the motel!" "What motel?"

"Huh? Who? What?"

His pretense became reality. He now has dementia.

He doesn't even recognize me.

"Dad, let's eat." "Who are you?"

Thanks for having fun.

I'm actually trying to impress

my ex-girlfriend over there, still pretty as ever.

That bitchy laugh?

Yeah, that's Rocky, the owner of this bar.

Oh, keep an eye on your wallets.

- Oh! - Why?

He's a real pro at snatching.

I was here with my girlfriend last week.

When I got back from the restroom,

he had stolen my girlfriend.

Dad, wake up.

Dad.

Who are you?

I'm Ospret, your son.

The government is looking for you.

They want to lock you up for murdering the chieftain.

I don't know anything about that.

Just kidding! Come on! Calm down.

- It's just a joke! - I'm innocent.

- Just kidding, Dad! - I'm absolutely innocent!

Of course, you're innocent. Just look at that face!

The face of an angel.

Good night! Love you, Dad!

Talk to the hand.

Jagson.

Jagson!

Jagson! Hey.

Been here a minute. Missed me?

Would I be shocked if I saw you?

Smartass.

- Where's your dad? - Right there.

Where?

What? Where's Dad?

Why do you ask me? I just got home.

- He was just there. Yeah. - Are you serious?

You shitface, Dad got kidnapped.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad!

- Oh no! - Stupid ass. I took him upstairs.

That happens when you're glued to the computer.

- Jackass. - You should call it a night.

One last game.

You've been there all day. It's late.

You've got school tomorrow.

Last game.

Last game or your last day? Your pick.

Fine, I'm shutting it down.

Good boy, Jagson.

Leave it to me. Go to sleep.

Sure, good night.

Good night, good boy.

Cover your ears, alright?

Lock your door too.

Yeah, lock it properly.

Jagson.

Ospret's me time.

Jagson!

- Bro, you won't believe it. - Get out of the way!

I jizzed so much last night.

- A lot? - Collected this much jizz.

That's gross.

That's not gross. We're bros.

You know how I've been shaving thrice a day?

- Yeah? - No mustache yet.

- None at all? - Still rocking my baby face.

Listen to me. You have to increase your sperm count.

Drink more testosterone boosters. Wear tight briefs too!

That will work.

But you don't have a mustache either.

- At least I have lots of sperm. - Yuck!

Bro, eleven o'clock. Bro.

Eleven o'clock? It's only half past nine.

Not that! Eleven o'clock! Stacy, Stacy! Mayday, mayday!

Oh no...

Oh my God.

My God.

It's a dream.

So, this is what you've been listening to.

Cool. A bit emo.

- Classic. - Classic.

I'm Jolo Guevarra, by the way.

I'm Guevarra, jackass. You're Santos.

I mean, Santos. Hello.

I've known you for a while.

How could I not? We're in the same...

Algebra class?

Oh my God. We're finishing each other's sentences.

Anyway, I have a party this weekend

at my dad's second wife's house.

Oh yeah, right. At the Four Seasons Residences.

The one with the big red gate?

Of course, golf course.

Golf course? Lame!

No, it's funny.