8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Sean Lock,

Jon Richardson,

Jason Manford,

Rhod Gilbert,

Danny Dyer,

Susie Dent,

and Rachel Riley.

Now, welcome your host,

Jimmy Carr!

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

Did you know, for example, Countdown was originally a French format?

France's Countdown is exactly the same as our Countdown,

except at the end of the game, the clock goes

Countdown's been sponsored by Vitabiotics, Specsavers,

Seven Seas, Ibuleve Gel and Kellogg's All-Bran.

You've gotta hand it to the makers of Countdown -

they're doing their best to keep their audience alive.

And the longest word

composed entirely of letters from the first half of the alphabet

is the 12-letter word 'fiddledeedee', as used in the sentence,

"I went out on a date with Deedee, we went back to mine,

"and I proceeded to fiddledeedee."

Right, let's get started.

OK, let's meet our players tonight.

First up, it's Sean Lock!

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Yeah, Sean Lock, our little ray of glumshine.

Sean is as happy as Larry.

Unfortunately, Larry's bipolar.

And his teammate this evening is Jason Manford!

Hello!

Go on.

Jason used to be a team captain on 8 Out Of 10 Cats. I did.

If you're wondering where he comes, he's the one after Dave Spikey

and two before the one who's gonna replace Jon Richardson.

If Jason wins tonight, the people of his home town, Salford,

will celebrate in their traditional manner -

by climbing onto the roof of Strangeways

and throwing tiles at the police.

That's just... that's just Thursday.

It's lovely to see you. Nice to be back.

OK, up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson!

In 2011, Jon released a book about his quest for love.

Before it, he hadn't had a girlfriend in eight years.

And after, he's not had a girlfriend for TWO years!

So, some improvement there.

The joke's on you, Jimmy, 'cause I HAVE got a girlfriend.

To... Well, she must be made up.

She's BLOWN up, to be honest.

And Jon's teammate, Rhod Gilbert!

In 2010, Rhod was named Wales's sexiest man.

Nice for Rhod, but a real kick in the teeth for Wales.

Sean, what would it mean to you to beat Jon this evening?

It'd be like...

..finding a fiver in an old coat.

Jason, is it nice to be on Sean's team? 'Cause, uh, obviously, you...

Yeah, I was always on the other side.

So, I don't know why people were always crying on this side.

Now, hopefully, I'll find out today.

Well, actually, I'd say this is quite a momentous moment,

because I think a lot of people can take as a lesson here for everybody,

'cause I used to be pitted against...

..we were sworn enemies, week in, week out,

and now we're together.

And I just hope the people of Israel and Palestine

are watching this, and they can take something from it.

Have you got a lucky mascot this evening? What's that? Yes. I've got my...

Squaresy, I call it. I go to bed with it.

And it's just... I find it very comforting to have near me.

Can we have a look at that? What...?

No, it's just a square... little friend.

And I take... I take... Wherever I...

If ever I go cycling, I take Squaresy with me.

Does he talk to you? Does he give you encouragement? What's...?

He gives me... help during the show.

Little bits of help doing the...

It helps me. It gives you help...

Can we... can we have a closer look?

He's very shy. He'll only give me help under the desk.

A little bit of help under the...

I go under the desk, I go, "Squaresy, a word,"

and Squaresy comes up with words.

You're fine with that, aren't you, Jon?

Yeah, he seems to have sort of weird intestines

that have sort of got words written all over them, his intestines.

Yeah, well, I didn't know it was a dictionary when I bought it.

Now, Jon, have you got a lucky mascot of any description?

Well, I have, yeah, but it's not really a mascot.

When I was at primary school, I got given a... an award

just for being extra special...

..and I've kept it all these years.

It says, "Awarded to Jon Richardson for being extra special."

- Why did they give that to you? - Yeah, what was it for?

Well, it's for being extra special, man!

20 years. Look how good nick that is. That's really...

Did you ever wear the badge, or has it always stayed on the...?

No, I've never taken the badge off,

'cause I didn't want to perforate the card.

Oh! There's a man that's living life to the full.

OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Danny Dyer!

Danny is actually here this evening researching his new show for Bravo,

where he attempts to find Britain's hardest conundrum.

Are you a fan of Countdown?

Um... Uh... No, I'm more...

No. No. But, um...

It's like I'm in a dream. I don't...

I'm sitting here like this, Dictionary Corner.

It's more of a dream for us that you're in Dictionary Corner.

And with Danny, of course, is Susie Dent!

Yes, Susie Dent.

If you look up elegant, sophisticated and charming in the dictionary,

Susie Dent will tell you to piss off

because looking things up in the dictionary is her job.

How does the Cats Countdown...

..how do these motley crew compare to the normal Countdown competitors?

Um, I can honestly say that these guys, especially Jon and Sean,

are as good at Countdown

as normal... well, in fact the champion Countdown contestants are

at comedy.

I genuinely thought for a second, there... I was, "Oh, are they?"

I got the conundrum in like half a second last time.

Has that ever been done before, that quickly? Come on. Never.

Have you ever seen anything that quick? Never.

But that's just probably luck, isn't it? A third of a second?

You were... Was it...? How can it be luck?

Well, it can be luck sometimes -

a load of letters appear in front of you, and then they make sense.

Well, how do you prove...?

That's reading, innit? Isn't that reading?

Is there a Welsh language Countdown?

They don't have a Welsh language Countdown, no.

Another L. Another L. Another L.

They should do, though.

And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!

If Rachel Riley's so good at maths, how come, whenever I ask her,

she can't even remember her own telephone number?

Well, tonight, our teams will be competing for this -

the coveted Countdown teapot.

OK, everyone - let's Countdown! Time for the first game.

Sean and Jason, you're to pick the first lot of letters.

Can I get a... a T...

..and a H.

I've written that down.

Go on. You've done this before. What do we pick?

I dunno. It's hard. It's really hard.

Dammit - let's go consonant.

Start with R.

And then a vowel.

And then consonant.

Ooh! He's got something.

And then another consonant. Please be G.

Rint!

Rint.

A rint - that's a... a tear in a cape.

It's also what they have to pay every month in South Africa

or they get evicted.

I'll have a...

I'll have a vowel there, please, Rachel. Can you put a vowel up there for me?

Extraordinary, Jon - you made everyone do a South African accent in their heads.

- That's an incredible skill. - I've gotta pay the 'rint'.

Another vowel, please.

I'll have a consonant, please.

Arrrgh! How many have we got left?

Two more - it's the two spaces. I reckon another...

I'll have a consonant.

Rachel, stop patronising.

And another... vowel.

And the last one...

OK, and for the first time today,

here's the Countdown clock.

OK, what have you got? Sean, Jason?

Four. Five.

Four, five. Jon?

Uh, five.

Rhod? Oh, about seven, I reckon.

OK, Sean, what's your four?

Rint.

Jason, what have you got?

Um, truer.

Guys, I don't want to hurry you, but I'm sitting on a fucking seven here.

Have you got any idea how this feels?

It's a possible eight!

Jon. Well, I just had inter.

Susie, is...? Yeah.

To bury somebody, to inter them.

Rhod, what have you got?

I'm at... I've got a definite seven, right. Possible eight.

OK. Now, how do I play this, Jimmy?

How do you play this? You've gotta give us a seven, 'cause you said seven.

I'm gonna go for the seven - the definite urinate.

But then, see, I would argue the possible eight

is if you said, "Who's that urinater over there?"

The very first meaning of a urinater was a diver.

But it's not in anymore. I can't believe it - it's not there.

It's not in ANYMORE? No.

So, Rhod, the good news is you get seven points. Well done.

Yep. Urinate. Brilliant.