It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Let us gather. Please, gather for me.

- Please. - We're gathered.

Okay, so, now that you've gathered,

I know that a lot has been on your minds

these last couple weeks since I've been back.

Burning questions about my personal life, yeah.

I was gone. Now I'm back.

That's been confusing for you. It's been overwhelming.

The whole thing has been overwhelming for you.

And you've danced around the topic for a while now

out of respect for my privacy.

And I-I really do appreciate that,

but I would like for you all to know that I am ready now,

and I think it's time to open it up to questions.

Now, don't hold back, guys. You can ask me anything.

Really. All those questions that you've got for me

about what's going on, go ahead and ask them to me now.

You want to ask me

if I'm gonna stay or if I'm gonna go.

- I don't care. Do you care? - I mean, it doesn't really...

I may go back. Yeah.

- Okay. - Hmm.

So, you guys want to ask me questions about my family.

- I don't. - Yeah. Hey, listen,

sometimes it's best to raise a family from a distance.

And that's what I've decided to do, okay?

And I'm not the first man in history to ever do it.

- All right, dude. - Okay. - Good, good, good.

Okay, so, if we're gonna sit here,

and you guys are gonna insist on asking me personal questions,

then be serious.

All right? L-Look, look,

so, if all of you are done with your stupid questions,

okay, then I have a question to ask.

I want to know, where is it?

- Where's what? - Where's what? Where's what?

Where's my car, man?

Where's my Range Rover?

I'm sure you guys, like, stashed it somewhere safely,

you know, in my absence. And that's cool. I get it.

But now I want it back, so where-where is it?

We didn't move you car. It's right where you left it.

Goddamn it.

I got to tell you, guys, that Range Rover,

that was... that was like a part of me.

You know, I considered it part of my identity, really.

So it's-it's almost like a piece of me is gone now.

I mean, you guys wouldn't really understand

'cause you've never owned a vehicle.

- We own vehicles. - Yeah? Name one.

Well, we had those matching Mongoose bikes back in the day.

Yeah. And I felt like a piece of me was gone

- when they got stolen. - Oh, that's right.

- So it's not like I can't relate. - Yeah.

Dude, I wonder if they have bikes around here.

- Something like that. - They don't have bikes.

- What are...? - She's a beaut, right?

How can I help?

Yeah, no, she's cool. She's cool.

Sort of lacks the original's, uh, masculinity and beefiness,

you know, but there's a grace to it

that I-I think I could probably work with.

That being said, do you guys have any '93 models?

We don't keep anything before 2015 on the lot.

Oh. Well, that sucks.

Uh, well, I'll take... I'll take this one, then.

Uh, it's-it's great,

and I'm gonna drive it straight out of the showroom.

So go ahead and open up those big doors

or however the hell you get these cars in there.

- Open those up. - Well, sir, we need to talk financing first.

- (groans) Come on. - Yes, yes. Um, oh, yeah.

Here-Here's my guy here. You're gonna want to talk to him

- about financing. - You never bought me a Range Rover.

All I got were shit cars, which you guys crashed,

and you certainly never reimbursed me.

Yeah, yeah, quit your squawking, Dee.

Hey, uh, Frank, this guy needs to talk financing.

- This is the one I'm gonna get here. - Ooh.

Very nice. Here you go, Dennis.

- (Dee scoffs) - Yeah, all right. - That's for you.

- There you go. - Yeah.

- Uh, what is this, Frank? - That's $473.

That's the Kelley Blue Book value of your car.

- Hmm. - (chuckles): Okay.

Yeah, that-that's not gonna be

nearly enough to pay-pay for the down payment

on this, on this car here, so...

- No? - Uh, is it?

Uh, no.

Come on, man. What are you doing here?

Why did you do this?

I came here to buy myself a Range Rover.

In fact, that's the one I'd like.

- It's a beauty. Look at that. - Hmm. Yeah.

And-and I'm gonna pay full price,

so take it out of there, please.

- Thank you very much. Yeah. - Fantastic.

That's right. It feels so good.

I haven't bought myself a new car in ages.

- I just need to see a driver's license. - Okay, yeah.

I got it. Right here. Absolutely.

There you are. (sighs)

Uh, sir, I'm afraid I can't sell you

- this vehicle, either. - Why not?

- Your driver's license is expired. - Since when?

1984.

- Whoo! - Yeah, man.

- Dork. - (Mac and Charlie laugh)

Jump this manhole.

Nice.

Oh, still got the skid.

- Oh! - Radical.

Bro, bro, I feel like a carefree, young kid

on a bike again, man. World at my fingertips.

- Yeah! Me, too. - (Charlie whoops)

Why did we stop riding these things

- in the first place? - You don't remember?

Dude, Shawn Dumont and their buddies,

they stole our bikes.

Shawn Dumont. That's right.

- What an asshole. - Yeah.

Do you remember what he said to us

when we went back to get them?

"What are you gonna do about it?"

What are you gonna do about it. And what can you say to that?

That's, like, the perfect line.

Yeah! Well, you just got to walk away,

'cause it's the end of the conversation.

It ends all conversations.

You know, I'm starting to think that Dennis was right.

It's like what you ride is your identity.

It-It's like who you are. It's like, this, this feels like who I am.

And so Shawn Dumont didn't just steal our bikes.

- He stole our identity. Cool bikes.

Oh.

Hey, thanks, man. Uh...

your bike's really cool, too.

I know it is.

You guys look like you're 40.

- Well, we are 40. - Do you have

the same bike as your boyfriend? Gay!

Oh, well, well, I am gay, but he's not my boyfriend,

- 'cause I could do much better than him. Really?

- Then why don't you, Mac? - It's difficult out there.

You guys will understand when you get older.

Oh, don't push your agenda on them.

I'm not pushing an agenda. I'm just saying statistically

- at least one of them... - You guys suck.

- Ah, that's... - That's... Yeah.

Well, look, we don't mean to bug you.

We'll-we'll be on our way.

Yeah, we don't want any trouble.

- So, uh, Mac, find a hole. - Oh, okay.

- Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - Sorry. Go, go, go.

Go. Go. Go, Charlie, go!

Hey-ho. Look alive.

Snuck up on you there, huh?

Yeah, she's quiet. She's quiet.

But that's a virtue. Stealth. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You know, personally, I never saw myself

in an economy car, but I got to tell you,

it's got its advantages. Yeah.

Yeah, so, I've been gone for a while.

I'm sure you noticed.

But now I'm back on the scene, you know? Doing my rounds.

See where the housewives are posted up. Have a good time.

You know, do me a favor, keep it out front for me,

because I don't think I'm gonna... Oh.

Probably doesn't speak English.

- (horn honks) - Hey-ho.

What up, ding-dong?

Whoa, what is this? W-What am I seeing?

Oh, what, you like my new beast?

- How are you in this car? - Well, it's Frank's car.

But, uh, until he gets his license back,

it's mine. I'm gonna drive it.

I just got to drop him off where he needs to go.

Just dropped him off at driver's ed.

And I got to tell you, Dennis.

I get why you want to be a Range Rover man.

You know, it's kind of like you're up on a throne,

a-and you-you're looking down on all the minions, you know?

- Very powerful. Yeah. Oh. - Right. Right. Right.

- Thank you. You just, uh, keep it out front. - Oh, yeah.

Don't bother. He doesn't speak English.

Of course, ma'am.

- Thank you. - No, I mean, he didn't spe... He doesn't, um...

- Huh? - I'm-I'm saying he doesn't, I'm saying he...

- What were you saying? - He doesn't always speak English.

Sometimes he's... I come here a lot, so, yeah.

Uh, anyway, you want to hear something that's really cool?

- All right. - I drove all the way here

and barely used an ounce of gas.

Now, that is both economically and environmentally responsible.

- So... - Excuse me.

Is that the 2018?

Oh, it most certainly is.

I was just telling my friend Brenda here

that she needs to upgrade.