The Mighty Boosh

Hi. My name is Howard Moon. This is my apprentice, Vince Noir.

Apprentice? Get stuffed. You're my apprentice.

-Don't start showing out. -Or what?

I'll come at you fast, like a Northern bullet.

-I'll put a move on you. -I've felt your moves.

They're like being caressed with a natural yogurt.

I've got new, powerful moves now.

Yeah? Did you send off for some new ones?

-Yes. They arrived this morning. -First post?

-Yeah. The post that hurts the most. -Well, come on, then.

I'll take you out for a meal with Mr. and Mrs. Pain.

- -Order up some violent quiche.

-Do you want some? -Come on.

What's that? That's nothing.

Feels like nothing. But that's the vibrating palm.

Two hours from now you'll go to a shop, buy a hat, it won't suit you. Ow!

There's no way. Look at me. My hair's virtually a hat.

-All hats suit me. -You'll see.

-Yeah. I will. -Enjoy the show.

…to the world of the Mighty Boosh.

-All right? -All right.

Did Mrs. Gideon ring for me?

As if she's gonna ring for you. Oh, I mean, she might do.

Yeah, why would she ring for me? She thinks I'm an idiot.

Come on, there's plenty of reasons why she wouldn't ring.

Maybe she's trapped in a cabinet.

She doesn't get trapped in cabinets, okay?

People get trapped in cabinets all the time. Doctors, dentists, lawyers.

Haven't you seen the show? "Captain Cabinets, trapped in cabinets."

"Can he get out? Will he get out?" Yes, I have seen it.

She's over there.

-Oh, yeah. -There she is.

Oh, sweet lady With your face like a cream oval

And your nose like a delicious slope of cream

Your ears like… cream flaps

And your teeth like hard, shiny pegs of cream…

Do you mind?

-Mm? -Doing a poem. For Mrs. Gideon.

Come on. I think you're going about it all the wrong way with Gideon.

-What do you mean? -You ask her out, she says no.

And you hang about her garden all night, weeping into her fishpond.

-How do you know? -It's in all the papers.

"Man kills koi carp with human tears." Pages 4-44.

They interviewed one of the carp. He was furious.

Oh, It's all salty. I'm freshwater.

I don't think you understand women. What do you think women like?

-Trumpets? -Trumpets?

-Bookmarks. -They like edgy characters.

-I've got edge. -You're as edgy as a satsuma.

I'm a crazy man. I'm a nut job. I'm a freak ball.

I break through all boundaries.

If I see a boundary, I eat a boundary

and wash it down with a cup of hot, steaming rules.

Moon, come to my office right now. Thank you.

-Run along, Danger Mouse. -I'm not running along to Fossil.

-I'll go in my own sweet time. -You're Fossil's bitch.

-That's the word on the street. -Who are you? T-Bone Wilson?

Leroy saw you dancing for Fossil in the moonlight, in little blue pants.

I don't dance for Fossil.

He gave you coin, you gave him booty.

Listen, I was playing Fossil like a pipe. Yeah?

-Whatever. -I was putting a move on him.

As if your moves work.

-Nice hat. -Thanks.

- -Yeah, I got the moves.

I don't run along to Fossil. Go in my own time.

I won't tell you again, my bitch.

I had to see him about something anyway.

That's why I don't like cricket.

-Was there anything else, Mr. Fossil? -Oh.

You know those guys with the little hands?

You know, with the big pockets?

With the little version of themselves in the front pocket.

-Kangaroo. -Yeah.

Anyways, we can make 'em fight, make lots of money.

That's against my principles.

Animals should never be made to fight one another.

Not one another, glossy dick. You!

Me? I'm not doing that. No way am I fighting a kangaroo.

How about, Moon, I give you this… cup?

It's polystyrene.

That's not gonna swing it, Mr. Fossil.

All right.

I didn't wanna have to do this, Moon,

but I've got pictures of you nude. That's right.

I'm gonna put 'em all over my body and run around the zoo.

You can't do this.

Oh, yeah? I got a Xerox machine that says I can.

Your fight's in two days, Moon.

Mm.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How'd it go with Fossil? -Well, not great.

What he wants me to do is fight with a kangaroo. To make money.

-A kangaroo? -Me, one on one with a kangaroo.

-You'll get your head smashed off. -I know. I'm not doing it.

But he's got pictures of me naked.

Which he's says he's gonna put up if I don't fight.

I've got nothing to be ashamed of but It's embarrassing.

We see pictures of naked people all the time. It's not… Oh, Christ!

-What? -What's that?

-Everyone's got that. -No, there.

-It's just normal. -You're a freak!

-It's just… -I don't wanna see it live!

-It's just that. Vince. -Get away!

-Vince! -You're not right! Get away.

Mind if I sit down?

What are we gonna do?

Have you thought about joining the circus?

-Do something, or we're in trouble. -How are you in trouble?

Mick Jagger didn't hang out with the Elephant Man.

What am I gonna do, more to the point?

If Mrs. Gideon finds out about this, It's over for me.

-What if you fight the kangaroo? -What?

Imagine if you fight the kangaroo and beat it. You'll be dangerous.

You'll have edge. Gideon'll be all over you like a flannel.

-Good plan. -It's perfect.

One problem. How do I beat a kangaroo?

-I'll train you up. -You?

-You'll train me up? -Yeah. I'm a Cockney bitch.

I'm a ragamuffin from the streets.

You're a French duke, if ever I saw one.

-You lie around eating soft cheese. -I'm a chimney sweep.

All my family are into boxing.

All of them, even me auntie. She loves it.

My family are nutters.

My uncle once punched a man so hard his legs became trombones.

The man had to leave the ring like this.

-Are you gonna help me or dance? -Let's get going.

-What's this? -I could only get one size.

Your size. Nice.

Carlos Santana wore these when he was training for Woodstock.

-He could have washed them. -Let's check out your opponent.

Got these videos off Naboo. Kangaroo videos.

…fully grown kangaroo, if attacked, leans on its tail

and using its hind legs, disembowels its prey in sec

- -That's not true.

…adult kangaroo can punch through solid steel…

If a man was to fight a kangaroo, he would be immediately killed.

It's not the video I was thinking of.

This is the one.

Skipper, you all right, mate?

Skipper, you psycho, get off me!

He's gone berserk! He's killing everyone!

Skipper, no! I'm being disemboweled!

Um… let's not concentrate on your opponent.

Let's go to my uncle's gym. He'll know what to do.

He's great. He knows everything about boxing.

Come on, Carlos.

Look at this place.

Ah, just as I remember.

The old ropes. All right, Ralph?

-This is great. What do you reckon? -Smells a bit funny.

-A bit funny? -Musty.

The smell of brutish men, squirting out hot jets of man-foam.

You'll be doing that. That's my uncle.

Throw a net over him. All right.

Take him out to dinner. Right. Don't kiss him!

Let me have a word. You wait here.

Oi! No women in here.

It's me. Vince.

Vincie! I thought I'd lost you forever.

It's nice to see you, but if you do that again I'll rip your eyes out.

-I'm gonna be a boxing trainer. -Right.

-This guy is my star pupil. -Let's have a look at him.

He looks like a retard.

-When's the fight? -Tomorrow night.

There's only one way to get this boy ready for the fight.

-Training montage. -With music.

-Yeah! -Stop.

-Vincie. We've got a problem. -What is it?

It's this cup. I don't know what to do with it.

Sometimes I wish there was a kind of pocket cup

that someone could invent, that you could drink…

-What we gonna do with Howard? -Oh. He's hopeless.

But I've got an idea. It's an old boxing trick.

You build up his confidence by letting him beat a weaker opponent.

-Yeah. -Nice.

-I'll go get someone. -Great.

Easy does it, Margaret.

-Hey, Howard. What's happening?

We're down to the critical stages of your training now.

-Right. -Sparring.

Sparring. Okay. Who am I gonna fight? This guy here?

I don't think so. He's way too dangerous. That's Micky the Fist.