Preservation

Pow! Pow!

Have you seen this? This is the video

of that cat getting flushed down a toilet.

Look.

Hah!

Fat kid does karate.

Homeless man drop-kicks pedestrian.

Have you seen this one?

I don't have a phone.

First graders have cell phones.

Get a phone.

Cell phones emit electromagnetic radiation.

Radiation affects brainwaves,

attention levels, testosterone.

I'm not worried about my testosterone.

I'm worried about you. What if somebody needs

to get in touch with you? What somebody?

What if there's an emergency?

What emergency? I'm-- the--

The emergency is hypothetical.

I'm hypothesizing that at some point

you might need to get in touch

with a member of the human race.

Nah.

I have a dog.

Speaking of dogs,

do you remember when we spray-painted

that Cocker Spaniel that lived next door?

I remember being grounded for 17 months.

One time...

when the old man was changing his carburetor

on that piece of shit C10,

I threw a golf ball at a bottle of Pennzoil.

Direct hit. His face was covered in transmission fluid.

You're lucky the old man didn't choke you with the fan belt.

I was lucky that you were always there to save my ass.

To my big brother. Welcome back.

Are we there yet?

I have to pee.

You're a peeing machine.

You-- Are you okay?

Are you experiencing kidney failure?

Do you need dialysis? Seriously.

Why is it that women need to pee

every 17 miles?

Can we just find a gas station?

Honey, we are going camping, not antiquing.

At some point, you're gonna have

to tinkle amongst the trees.

Come here.

I want to go antiquing.

Walter, I didn't mean

to leave you with your dick in your hand

with the Rothman account.

Yeah, no, something came up.

Uh, I'm not gonna be back in the office till Monday.

Uh, tell Bridget...

make sure Bridget confirms the conference call

and CCs me on the invoice.

Uh, this too.

Thanks.

Oh, sorry.

It'll die. Eventually.

His battery? It'll run out.

I was hoping he wouldn't get reception.

Yeah. No outlets in the woods.

He'd better hope I don't feed that phone to my dog.

Can I have the bathroom key?

I thought you guys said you'd been here before.

When we were kids.

I guess there's been some budget cuts.

Well, how can they close a state park?

They can't.

Little chain-link never stopped the Neary family.

Isn't there, like, a fine or something

if someone catches us?

There's nobody here. The place is dead.

10 years old,

front tooth is loose but won't come out.

Dad hands me that model 70,

and the recoil knocks my tooth right out.

From that day forward, Dad always called this rifle

the Tooth Fairy.

I hate that gun.

Come here.

Come on.

Walnut stock, mauser action.

I'll take Dad's old Winny any day of the week.

Old is the operative word.

You stick with your iron sights.

I'm going with an EBR-2B HD zoom radical with

a 75-yard Parallax setting

and real-time ballistic calibration.

That's not hunting.

That's cheating.

Look at that. Map says there's a kid's museum.

Kiddie museum? What trail are we taking?

We don't follow the trails. We follow the animals.

Well, I'll follow you.

I'm directionally challenged.

Don't worry, we won't get lost.

We got GPS.

And so does the dog. I got Buck a present.

Come here, Buck.

Real-time GPS.

The red dot is Buck.

He can chase down the deer.

We find Buck, we find Bambi.

Hey, litterer.

What if some little kid steps on that?

Then some little kid can sue me for negligent disposal

of mediocre American beer.

Little kids are real litigious these days.

Aah.

Let's go hunting.

Alcohol and firearms. A Neary family tradition.

I don't see anything.

Just 'cause you don't see 'em

doesn't mean they're not there.

We're not watching them, they're watching us.

As long as we can find this dot,

we find our way back.

Hansel and Gretel used breadcrumbs.

Sean prefers spray paint.

It's biodegradable.

Woods are the only weapon you need.

Yeah, well, I need something

a little more heavy-duty.

PETA must love this.

All is fair in love and online shopping.

A real hunter doesn't give chase.

A real hunter is already there.

Close your eyes. Count to three.

One...

two...

three.

Oh God!

I hate it when he does that.

First time hunters hesitate to kill

because their emotions interfere.

Emotions are a mistake.

Watch, wait.

Be ready to pull the trigger.

She's totally ready.

She's got her game face on.

I don't know if you knew this about my wife,

but she's a very competitive person.

Beginner's luck.

Now don't worry, honey. No pressure.

I've never seen anyone bag a buck

on their first try.

We'll see about that.

Shh, shh, shh...

Like I said, competitive.

That dog never takes his eyes off you.

That dog saved my life.

Several times.

Please tell me that isn't our dinner.

Tastes better than it looks.

I'm vegan.

I'll pick you some pinecones.

Come here.

Come take a cut.

Come on. I thought you went to med school.

If you want to exsanguinate,

you cut the carotid.

All right, so I guess blood doesn't exactly

bother you.

My first year of residency,

I did an ER rotation.

They gurneyed in a four-year-old boy

with bullet wounds from a drive-by-shooting.

A bullet had ruptured his orbital plate causing

subarachnoid hemorrhaging.

He bled to death in my arms.

So...

no.

Blood doesn't bother me.

I saw a 13-year-old get burned alive

outside a madrasa.

Couple of PFCs got drunk, got a can of gasoline,

took a Bic lighter to her burqa.

They called it "Hot Potato."

Court martial called it a "thrill kill."

A bear will kill because it's defensive.

A lion will kill because it's hungry.

Man's the only animal that kills because it's fun.

Don't get too close. You might cut yourself.

I didn't mean to interrupt the tutorial.

Please proceed.

I smell like viscera.

I'm going for a swim if anyone cares to join.

No peeking, pervert.

Scout's honor.

Beware the creature from the algae-filled cesspool!

Ahh!

Oh.

You're like a pilot fish

that latches onto dorsals.

It's a symbiotic relationship.