Close Enough

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Ohh. How did this happen?

You know how this happened!

All: Surpri-- Oh.

What are they doing?

We're just doing our taxes, sweetie!

Stupid taxes!

I mean, just because we have no money

and we live with a divorced couple in a cramped apartment,

we could squeeze in another kid, right?

I'd just get a second job and give up my dream.

There are plenty of video games in the world already.

Oh, my God, triplets! What if it's triplets?!

Em, chill out. Read a magazine.

The Octomom! I will cut you!

Okay. Let's take a deep breath.

No matter what happens, we'll be fine.

Do you mean that? No.

Oh, thank God. Whoa. Whoa.

Okay. So...

We're not having a baby. No, no, no. No.

From now on, we're super careful.

Vasectomy party! Whoo!

You're cut off from planning any more parties.

Whoo! Super careful!

Isn't Josh a little young to get his wang danged?

I would never let anyone touch my junk.

No one has so far.

Oh, I walked right into that burn.

I had a vasectomy last year

because I'm sick of this double standard

where women are expected to destroy their bodies

for birth control.

I can't believe I'm meeting a single guy

in L.A. who isn't a total nutjob.

I also got it on account of the government's evil plan

to have us overpopulate the United States for tax revenue.

All I can say is that when we thought

we were having another baby, we freaked.

And Josh was so determined to be a responsible adult.

He's never like that.

How did Candice take it?

We sort of didn't tell her.

Ugh, what even is a vasectomy party,

and why can't I go to it?

Honey, no one would have a party for that.

Sweet vasectomy party, bro!

What is wrong with people?

Well, time to go.

Do you still feel good about it?

Totally.

We weighed all the pros and cons.

Wow. I've never seen you this responsible before.

It's kind of sexy.

Responsible and sexy. It's the new me.

Let's do it.

I love our family.

I also love our family.

Yeah. Call me after.

Ahhhh, the Calabasas Urology Center.

Before the old vasectomy,

I'd make a lot of "deposits" here. Haha.

Maybe we shouldn't have the type of friendship

where you tell me everything.

It's very rare for a man of your age to be this sure,

but your wife probably made you, right?

No. It was my choice. Weird.

So, you're gonna be my surgeon?

No, the process is completely automated with AI.

Top-of-the-line robots from Boston!

Go, Sox!

There's no room for human error!

Now, imagine these grapes are your testes.

And this little guy over here is your vas deferens.

Well, at least vasectomies are reversible, right?

Haha! Not the way we do it.

Ooof. Ooof.

You know, we have a protocol

for nervous patients like you.

I can't believe Candice used to fit in these.

Did we just make the hastiest decision ever?

I always thought you'd have like seven babies.

And I'm not saying it 'cause you're "Mexican,"

but because I know you love being a mom.

You can say something about Japanese people if you want.

You under arrest for being racist!

Wait... you have the keys, right?

This is officially the worst brunch I've ever been to.

Do you think I rushed into this?

Eh, no more than usual.

Ooh, talking sperm!

So long, boys! Enjoy the ride.

Dr. Ferguson: Is a vasectomy right for you?

Who doesn't want to bring more bundles of joy into the world?

Did you know the average baby goes through

2,700 diapers a year?

With that money, you could've bought one of these.

Say goodbye to your sleep!

Female voice: We're still in love.

Why are you ruining this?

Hey, put your hands up!

Stop! It's only danger ahead!

Dr. Ferguson: And, you know, those little bundles of joy

eventually grow up.

Owww, stop it! I'm telling Dad!

Am I crazy, or do those kids look just like me?

I ate too much pizza.

See? That's why I'm not having kids.

All kids get sick. You just clean it up.

Pretty terrifying journey, right?

Now, how about your pubic area?

Do you want it shaved clean

or shaped into a little triangle?

Also, for an extra $50, I can make a custom design!

Uh...you know what?

I'm having second thoughts.

I -- I just want to call my wife one more time.

Damn it. Of course you can't get a good connection

at a vasectomy clinic.

I know Emily was into this whole thing,

but seeing a brother and sister together

made me think we're rushing into this decision.

What the...?

Ahhhhh! Please don't murder us!

Huh? Huh?

It's like her whole childhood

is in these boxes.

What if I'm not ready to tape up boxes?

What if I have more boxes to pack with other kids' clothes?

I gotta get to that clinic!

Is this gonna take much longer?

Lord, I'm pretty drunk,

so I don't know.

-Close the door! -You guys are real?

I can't believe you're not animatronic.

Your movements are just beyond. Thanks.

We actually moved to Los Angeles

to pursue a career in poppin' and lockin'.

But now we can't pop and lock

because Dr. Ferguson has us on an exclusive contract!

What did your parents say?

Our mom thought it would be good for our careers.

And we've never met our dad. He was just a sperm donor.

Sperm...donor?

I guess some parents aren't meant to raise kids.

Alex and Cameron: Especially because

of the government conspiracy

to overpopulate the planet.

Dr. Ferguson: Mr. Singleton?

I've got the crotch Novocain ready.

Quick! Hide!

I don't know what to do, man.

Something's telling me do not get a vasectomy!

My feelings about all this have changed, too...

now that I'm a father!

Wait. What do you mean you're a father?

Um...look at them!

It doesn't take Rizzoli and/or Isles to figure this out.

Dr. Ferguson: You better not be popping and/or locking in there!

Oh, no, uh...

Kids who can pop and lock are a dime a dozen

in L.A. Uh, M-Mr. Singleton!

The robots are ready for you!

Does he always talk to you like that?

Well, sometimes he shows us new pubic-hair designs.

Those are the tough days.

No more tough days for you! We're busting you outta here!

And I will be there for you!

From now on!

Whatever you need, just ask me!

Is he always like this?

I'm not sure what's happening with him right now.

I can't find the patient.

Oh.

W-- I -- Oh, no.

Josh! Huh? Excuse me?

I'm trying to find my husband.

Robot: Never heard of the guy.

Get back in your car.

Ahhhh!

Come on.

Let's get this vasectomy party started.

Hey!

Come on, let's get out of here!

Get back here, bro.

Consider your family! Consider your future!

Consider Nomar for the hall of fame!

Consider this!

Whoa, that was awesome!