A.C.O.D.

Happy birthday, Carter.

Here we go, everybody. Happy birthday, pal.

Are you one? Are you two? Are you three? Are you four?

I hope she chokes on your dick!

Well, at least she gets close to it!

I hate you!

What a filthy, fat mouth you've got!

You lying piece of shit!

She couldn't be bothered to make a cake, she bought it.

I'll call the police again.

Now blow out the goddamn candles.

Dave, turn it off. Turn it off.

You can eat your own shit and die!

Chapter three: Seminal Moments.

On his ninth birthday, a simple wish was made over a store-bought cake.

Stop the madness.

It did not come true.

It's up to you, son. Who do you want to live with?

Six months till Christmas!

Over the years, he was subject to emotional manipulation.

Open it fast, it's alive.

Character assassination.

I hate to be the one to tell you, sweetie, but Daddy's a homosexual.

Pressured into unnatural and awkward relationships.

This is Chloe. She's going to be your sister from now on.

And witness to his parents finding true love,

over and over again.

Oh, God, look at you. It's just you and me forever.

This young man was eager to grow up.

To be free of these people who called themselves parents.

And for a while, he did a pretty good job at convincing the world

he'd done just that.

Please, can we not hire any more actresses,

no matter how much waiting experience they have.

- Hey, Etta, how's your husband? - Not dead yet.

Why don't you just slide 29 over to 30?

Because I have a birthday party at 30.

- How about 15? - Fifteen is good.

By the way, your brother called. He's such a flirt.

- Hello, sir. How are you? - Hi.

That table finished their dessert, paid their bill

and they've been sitting there for a half-hour!

We're actually setting a new table for you right now.

- Good. - Okay? Thank you. I'm so sorry.

- Word up. - Thank you.

We're slammed, Trey, talk fast.

Well, I don't have anywhere to sit, so tell me while I'm standing.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look!

- Whoa! Really? - I know!

I think you mean "congratulations"?

Yes. Congratulations.

The phone hasn't stopped. One sec.

Hi, Mom!

I know! I'm so excited.

Wanna get high?

No, I don't wanna get high. Married?

- What's it been? Three or four months? - Holy shit, yeah, it has been.

- Yeah. -It's been like four months!

Yeah. That's a huge decision.

Honestly, I just came up with it yesterday.

We were at Costco

and she made the fucking funniest joke about this DVD display

and I just thought this is the girl

I want to spend the rest of my life with, you know?

That's great.

Are you sure you're ready for this, man? I mean, you kind of...

You live in my garage, Trey.

And you don't have a checkbook.

It just feels right.

- Okay. That's great. - Thanks, man.

You're not gonna want to do this, but could you talk to Mom and Dad?

- About? - Coming to a wedding.

You're not having a wedding. Just do a small thing at City Hall.

One witness, no hassle.

I mean, isn't there some sort of traditional Japanese thing you can do?

- She's from Palo Alto. - I know. But like the old country?

She's third generation.

Trey, Mom and Dad haven't spoken in 20 years.

I know, but if anybody could get them to, it's you.

They listen to you.

They don't really. I mean, I patronize them, so...

Look, things have been pretty good.

We're in a period of real calm here.

You sure you want to take that risk?

It's my wedding.

Please. I mean, if there was ever going to be a day...

Okay. I'll give it a shot.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

- You're the man. - Okay.

You are the Best Man. You get it?

Thanks a lot.

He said okay!

All right, guys, who's going to go higher?

- Me. - Okay.

Oh, my God, it's so scary.

Don't tell your mom I'm giving you these, there's no actual juice in them.

Look who's here. Okay, one, two, three. Oh, my gosh.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Guys, come on. Whoa!

Hey. How was Rancho De La... Wherever it was you went?

It's the greatest. It's a first-class joint. I had a manicure.

I can see from here.

Bring me my babies.

Mommy! Mommy!

Hi. How were they?

They were good.

Pretty interesting park, though. A lot of sharp right angles.

This is a very important park. Do you know I. M. Pei?

His brother comes here.

Carter, I got you something. These are the greatest hats.

Yeah, the greatest.

- Put it on. - I will. I just...

Come on, put it on. I wanna see what it looks like on your head.

Carter, on.

Terrific.

- I nailed it. - It looks great on you.

Hey, Dad, did you happen to talk to Trey?

Great news, huh? How about that kid?

Well, he wants to have a wedding.

Terrific. I told him, whatever he wants.

Come on, forget the family of the bride pays for this or that.

It's me, because I might only do this once.

So you'll go to a wedding if Mom is there?

No. She can have her own wedding.

Right. But we're probably not going to have two weddings.

Why not?

I'm gonna throw a first-class party,

and then your mother and Captain Fuckface

can rent out a KFC in Petersburg.

They can charge admission to cover the fucking cost.

Dad, I'm not asking you to dance with her. Just be in the same room.

- Carter. - Dad.

If I ever see that woman, I'm going to kick her in the balls.

It's just something every parent dreams of, their child's wedding.

Yeah, I think it's wonderful. I do.

Yeah, me, too. lt'sjust... I don't know, it's too bad.

What is?

It's just too bad they have to elope.

What? No, no! Absolutely not.

Well, Trey doesn't have a choice, Mom.

I mean, unless you and Dad will show up at the same wedding.

I'll elope with them.

Mom, if you go, it's not an elopement.

- It's a destination wedding. - That's right.

And, plus, Dad has to go and Sondra.

No,no,no,no!

The Cuntessa is not coming to San Martin.

Melissa? Will you grab that penlight in the kitchen drawer for me?

He's losing his mind. Tie it to yourself.

She usually calms down in 10 to 15 seconds.

Thanks, Gary.

Found it. Sorry.

You know what? I'll go to a wedding with your father.

You Will?

As soon as he pays me that $485,000 he owes me

for my share of the lake house.

Larry Ellis was waterskiing there last weekend

and he saw a light on.

Is your father using it? You know he's not allowed to use it.

Mom, no one's been there in 20 years.

Because he's renting it! He's renting it!

Anything he earns on that house, I get half.

That's in the settlement agreement. That's how that works.

You know your father's refusing to put it on the marketjust to spite me?

That means your father is stealing from your mother.

That must really bother you.

- I don't... - How does it not bother you?

No, it doesn't seem to.

Please tell me you are not your father's son!

What?

Hey-

So here's a bit of news. Kieko called me.

Yeah?

Yeah. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. Straighten your back.

I didn't even know they were getting married.

Yeah, I was going to tell you about that.

Trey and Kieko have been together, what, four months?

Yeah, something like that.

And we've been together how long?

Well, that's kind of apples and oranges, if you think about it.

It's four years.

Four years. And I don't even have a key to your apartment.

Look, I've been patient. Really.

But how long do you expect me to wait?

- Oh, my God. - I totally had you!

- You did. Yeah. - I had you for a minute.

Jesus.

I'm really excited. I think it's going to be great.

All right, get up. All right, everybody! Gloves on, hands up.

They should be $6, because they are fresh.

_H€Y- _H€Y-

Your mom called.

Okay, thanks.

Four times.

Right.

And your dad called, too. Twice.

And we're off.

Carter, it's Mom. I've been thinking, what about a surprise wedding for Trey?

Your father doesn't even have to know about it.