The Detour

Man: You don't seem to have a strong relationship

with your wife.

Excuse me?

Our relationship is rock-solid.

You lied to her about getting fired.

You lied to her about

the real reason you were going on vacation,

which was to get your job back.

Do you tell your wife everything? I do.

Bullshit.

No, I can't get diapers, babe.

Because I am in the middle of a federal investigation

with public enemy number one.

Because he left a trail of bodies about 6 miles long,

that's why.

It's not you. I'm just joking.

All right. Okay. I'll be home soon.

I love you. Bye.

I'm so sorry. Where were we?

He's lying to his wife. Oh, that's bad.

I love my wife very much.

Hey, I'm Nate.

Hi, Nate. Nice to meet you.

I know this may be a little forward, but...

I would love to take you out.

Wow.

Both: Ohh!

I'm getting you! Aah! Stop, Nate!

I think I love you.

I do.

And that is how we met.

That's not actually how you remember it, is it?

Everything I just said was true.

If you hadn't used our names,

I wouldn't have recognized the story.

What are you talking about?

Who... who is this?

Hello?

Hello, Nathaniel. Who is this?

It's Vanessa. Who is it?

It's work. I just wanna let you know

that your very important package will be in Orlando soon.

Orlando?

That's not... The shipping arrangement

that we agreed upon.

We said Fort Lauderdale, 'cause that's where I'll be.

Sorry. Plans change.

I'm on the lam with my angel...

Caleb.

Gonna need a little more context on that.

He's the lead singer of sacrificial jam.

They're, like, Richmond's fifth best conviction rock band.

That's not the context I was looking for.

Okay, I'll drop a pin. Bye! Wait.

Can we talk a little more about your selective memory?

I don't lie.

Okay. What's wrong?

It's work.

Work is a stupid idiot.

Man: You see that sign? Don't touch the driver.

Hey, put your phone down next time!

Man: Not my fault.

All I'm saying is that sometimes maybe you forget details,

and then you make up stories that are better

than what actually happened.

Yes, it's called storytelling because truth-telling sucks.

No, it doesn't. Yes, it does.

Human beings can't handle the whole truth.

Yes, we can.

Whoa!

You are rock-solid.

Oh. Mnh.

Ow. What's wrong with you? Why are you biting me?

Haven't had my lunch yet.

Then go get a sandwich. Ooh. I love finger food.

What are you doing? Shh.

No. What are you doing? What are you doing? Unclench.

What are you... what? Come on, just let me in there.

No! Get out of there. Stop being a little bitch!

It hurts. Unclench!

Why would you do this? Ahh.

What's wrong with you? Ooh!

I know something that'll loosen you up.

Ah! What the...

Where was that? What? You said you like to party.

How is this a party?

Oh, right.

Let's do it on the casket. No!

What is wrong with you?

Your loss.

Hey, hey, hey. Where'd you get that?

That dude just gave it to me.

I'm sorry. She was so young.

We used to surf together.

She would've wanted me to dress like this.

Hey. Hi.

I'm Nate. Hi. Uh, nice to meet you. Um, you're a piece of shit.

Like, a real piece of shit.

So why don't you take your board shorts and your flip-flops

and your piece of shit face,

and get the hell out of here before I have to call the cops?

Okay, lady, relax. Okay, it's not my fault.

I met your loser friend at a bar,

and she asked me to come to a party.

How is this a party? That's what I said!

Oh, my god. What a shit show.

Looks like someone didn't get enough love from daddy.

That's my sister.

That's not your sister. That's my half-sister.

She looks nothing like you. Her mom's an... Idiot.

Well... Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

The shit show was aunt Vanessa? And you made out with her?

I didn't make out with her. She stuck her finger up my...

No, whoa, whoa! What... don't tell her that.

What? You wanted the truth,

and the truth is that when your aunt is wasted,

which is pretty much every single day,

she'll make out with anybody with a mouth.

Robin: No, that's not true.

So who's funeral was it? It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters. She was a close family friend.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

What was her name? Beth.

Be... Becky?

Beth? Becky? Becky.

Bethanny. Is that... Uh, Beckanny.

Beckanny something or other. That's not a name.

Okay, well, whatever.

What I do remember is that she was bipolar,

which led to anxiety, which led to prescriptions...

Mom! Mom! Dad's right. Nobody cares.

Oh!

I hate this story.

Yeah. Keep going.

Come on. Come on. I didn't get your name.

That's 'cause I didn't give it to you.

Would you just stop for a second? Ohh.

All right, look, I think you are smokin' hot,

and I'd love to take you out.

Wow. You stole flowers from a dead person.

She's not gonna miss 'em.

You know, that's really disrespectful

to poor what's-her-name.

Damn it. What was her name?

Look, when we tell our kids this story,

they're gonna want to know that you took the flowers.

You're right.

Well, that's...

Mmm, that's a salty finger.

Oh, buddy.

Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy,

I would not do that if I were you.

Mind your business, bro.

Yeah, that was... Up in my business.

What, are you jealous?

No, "jealous" is not the word I would use.

Hey, get this shit away from my sister.

That's not mine. Well, it's not hers.

Yeah, but I don't want it. I want it!

No. It's cocaine. I know it's cocaine.

I don't... Oh, I love cocaine!

Please just take it. What do I look like, a cokehead?

I don't wanna do it. It's not my cocaine. I understand,

but I'm going with her. You're not, so why don't you

get rid of it? I don't care who you're going with.

Holy shit, that's a lot of coke.

Ohh. It's, like, $5,000 worth of coke.

That's, like, 15 years in prison worth of coke.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I'm late for a funeral! Bye-ee!

Oh, my nose is burning.

Is your nose burning?

My nose is on fire, but it feels really good. Oh, my god, I feel great.

I feel like someone shoved a cup of coffee up my nose.

Yeah, I kinda feel like I wanna work out. Do you work out?

Of course I work out. Check it out. Oh, wow.

Right. Hey, what's your favorite city?

I really like Boston. I could totally live in Boston.

And they have great Indian food. Oh, I love ethnic food!

Right? You know what else is great?

What? Music.

Oh, my god. I love music! It's so good, right?

Oh, my god, you should see my CD collection.

Do you read? I can read.

Oh, reading's the best. I love books. Books are the best!

Wait. You're not a Bruins fan, are you?

What's a Bruin? It's a bear.

Hey, do you wanna see my place?

I would love to see your place.

I got a really great place. I really wanna go back to your place.

Let's go to my place. I love your place!

Let's go. Okay.

Are we doing it? Oh, god, yeah, we're doing it.

Where we gonna do it? Oh, let's do it on the chair!

No, let's do it on the bed. It's so much more comfortable.

Hey, what's your name again?

Ew! You didn't even know her name?

What is wrong with you?!

And that is why we don't tell the whole truth.