Royal Pains

So, these guys don't travel with a doctor?

No, they do... it's just for their horses.

Well, it's a pretty sweet gig.

Yeah, it'd be even sweeter if we were getting our full of that, right?

That's nice you gave them a break, I mean they're clearly hurting.

Well, to be totally honest, I, uh...

I cut 'em a deal to make sure you'd be busy.

You know, keep your mind off, you know, the breakup.

You mean Christina? That wasn't a breakup.

I know, I know.

I was trying to avoid the word "dumped."

What? I did not get dumped.

We just went our separate ways after a relationship

that could have been but never really was.

Uh-huh. And the term for that is?

- I... can you just... - Okay, okay.

I have bigger things to deal with than your...

whatever it was, anyway.

Guess who's coming to town.

I'd say Santa Claus, but it's summer and we're jewish.

Yeah, I wish it was Santa Claus.

No, the general. Yeah.

He is detouring off the campaign trail

to get some kind of award,

and Paige thinks it's time for her parents to meet dad.

Sounds reasonable.

Oh, does it? Reasonable?

Her dad used to be a general.

Our dad used to be in the general population, Henry.

You're getting married, Evan.

I mean, at some point, the bride's and groom's

families have to meet.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

"At some point."

I'll just postpone it. Oh, my God.

Mwah. Henry, you're a genius.

- I wasn't... - Ha ha!

How does he...

Hah!

That a girl, use your toe, not your heel.

- Hey, guys. - Hi, Evan.

- Hi. - Look at us.

We're stomping on divots.

Oh, wow, that's very exciting.

We have to talk.

You know what's exciting?

That I'm going to get to meet your future in-laws.

We don't need to talk.

That's exciting, dad.

Friday at 6:00. We have reservations.

Ugh, I have them right now.

- Okay, good. - How about this?

I now have something in common with Paige's dad.

Yeah, my dad is on his way to Albany

to receive the humanitarian medal of valor,

and your dad is up for a bloggie.

Oh, a bloggie.

Well, you know, for self-improvement.

Okay, so it's not a humanitarian award.

But I figure since I have a little prison time,

my chances are pretty good.

- Good luck, pop. - Thank you.

- Hello, all. - All: Hi.

Enjoying the match?

Yeah.

Well, you know, guys ridin' on horses,

swingin' at balls... what?

- That's the game, isn't it? - Basically.

I've been to the tournament nine years running.

And I've never been here because horses terrify me.

But speaking of getting back on the horse,

Divs, how was your date last night?

Evan, that's personal.

No, it's not.

Unless there was some...

You know... what? Then it would be...

was there any... You know, was there?

- There was not. - Oh.

There was barely... I know.

Mm, sounds like you didn't like him.

I liked him fine...

just like I have liked the other two guys

that I have been set up with.

Yeah, but who's looking for like?

Dre... wh...

Okay.

- Ooh, excuse me. - Excuse me.

Sorry.

- New shoes. - Wow. Yow.

Those are some tall new shoes.

Are you stomping divots, or are you making them?

I'm so...

I'm fine. I'm fine. And you know what?

You don't have to rush, 'cause I'm pretty sure

they're not gonna start till we leave the field.

Oh, I'm not trying to leave the field.

I'm trying to get to Rafa.

Is he the one who's riding

the beautiful chestnut quarter-horse?

You're looking at his horse? Wow.

I like horses.

Certainly draws a crowd, doesn't he?

Well, have you seen him?

He's 50 shades of, "oh, my God."

"Take me. Take me now."

Oh, I'm guessing you're not here for the polo.

Polo, shmolo.

Oh, I see an opening.

Nice to meet you all.

Who knew polo players had groupies?

Rafa! Hello, Raf... no!

You... you're playing very well, Rafa.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

So, uh, who's winning?

Oh, the, uh... the guys on the, uh, hor...

the, uh... with the m...

I have no idea who's winning.

Okay, thank you.

So are you going to the dinner?

- The dinner? - Mm-Hmm, Paige's family.

Oh, that.

Uh, no.

I mean, we've met.

You know, I think that should just be you guys.

If you change your mind, or if you get lonely,

you call me immediately.

Uh, why would I feel lonely?

Because your brother just told me you were dumped.

I did not get dumped.

- He did not get dumped. - You did get dumped.

- You did get dumped? - I didn't get dumped!

- Ooh. - Oh!

Simon! Wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time-out.

- Come on, get up. - I can't.

- Come on, Simon, get up. - It hurts too much.

Royal Pains 4x10 - Who's Your Daddy Original air date August 22, 2012

- Any pain? - No.

Did you lose consciousness?

- No. - Good.

So far it looks like you just bruised your shoulder.

And my ego.

Well, that I'm not qualified to treat.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Uh, you could give us some room.

As you wish.

I'm surprised you're not in more pain, Mr. Braddock.

Simon. And I've had harder falls.

- This is true. - Hey.

I got up from those too.

Well, perhaps you fell deliberately so you

could be treated by the beautiful doctor.

Actually, I am a physician assistant.

I was talking about Hank.

- You are quite beautiful. - Thank you so much.

Please stand up.

So, uh, how long have you been playing polo?

Clearly not long enough.

That's true.

I spent my 30s and 40s on Wall Street

when I could've been playing.

But then again, if I hadn't been working on stuff,

I probably wouldn't have had the money to buy the team.

- You're a player and the owner? - Yep.

Even flew to Argentina to handpick my players.

Rafa I found working in the stables.

And he recognized greatness.

Yeah, he was excellent at shoveling...

This injury time will end

in five minutes.

Five minutes until the next chukker.

Okay, here we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not for you, I'm afraid.

Clip.

Damn it.

Every year we get so close to winning the Canterbury Cup,

and every year somehow it just slips away.

Tell Ernesto to sub in,

but you better not lose without me.

The thought never occurred.

Just mount up.

Smart guy.

So I took the liberty of having

your best suit cleaned and pressed, okay?

I don't have a best suit.

I also took the liberty of buying you one.

Oh.

So just keep it in the bag till tomorrow night.

And don't be late, all right?

The general's very particular about punctuality.

Well, what is he gonna do if I'm late?

He's gonna throw me in the brig?

- Maybe. - Yeah? No, come on.

The man... relax.

He puts his pants on one leg at a time

- like everybody else. - He does.

But his pants are part of a four-star general uniform.

So that's why I've prepared this list of topics for you.

Uh-huh. Good, good, good, good.