The Wrong Box

Gentlemen...

Gentlemen, I bid you welcome,

and beg at the very outset to be allowed to express my extreme gratitude...

That you have seen fit to grace this noble room

with your presence this afternoon.

I... I have here to hand

a document of high concern and vast importance...

Vast importance

to each and every one of you.

This document, gentlemen, sets forth the rules regulating an agreement

to enter upon a venture known as a tontine.

"... tontine."

A tontine is, in point of fact, a lottery,

a lottery, plain and simple, gentlemen.

"... simple."

Into this tontine each parent - or guardian -

has placed for each of you and in your name

the sum of £1,000 sterling.

The sum so constituted is to be administered

by a self-perpetuating board

and held in trust by them for whomsoever survives.

"... survives."

This £20,000 will grow and grow,

under astute management, who will charge but a nominal fee,

and this by then great sum

will be handed to the one amongst you

who is the last surviving member of the tontine.

It is as plain and as simple as that.

Therefore, allow me to say, in conclusion, long life to all.

But since no other shall be present when the winner has won...

"... has won..."

...let us cheer him now.

He whom fate sees fit to favour.

Oh. Hip-hip.

Hooray!

- Hip-hip. - Hooray!

- Hip-hip. - Hooray!

- Cannon reloaded? - Cannon reloaded, sir.

- Then fire. - But sir...

You heard me, man. Fire!

Never fear, ladies. He knows his prey.

Ah, see, yonder.

Kill!

In the name of the Queen...

And so it gives me great pleasure to name this ship Repulsion.

God bless all who sail in her.

You swine!

They're disorganised! Victory must soon be ours. Sound the charge!

- Sound the what, sir? - Give that to me, you fool.

Now, then, my good men, what's all this poppycock about the mine not being safe, eh?

Speak up. What's wrong with it?

Not yet, Tumba. You must learn the white man's code.

It is not sporting, it is not done,

to fire at rhino until he's actually charging.

When I die, my son...

...all this will be yours.

Yes, Father.

In recognition of your many and varied services to the Crown...

...I dub thee...

Oh.

We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.

- Michael... - Yes...

Yes, Grandfather?

The time has come...

Yes.

Yes, I really believe the time has come.

At last. At last.

Not so fast, sir! You're a very quick man with the sheet, Michael.

Oh, yes, yes. You see, sir, I thought...

I know what you thought, sir. But let me tell you something.

Death cannot be assumed simply because signs of life are not present.

Hasn't medical school taught you how to take a pulse?

Oh, we have touched on it, sir.

But mostly, we cut up things.

Hmm.

- Do you know what this is? - No, sir. I gave it to you unopened.

- Hackett is dead. - Hackett, sir?

Mm-hm. Ebenezer Hackett. I went to school with him.

An unpleasant name for a dirty little boy and an even dirtier old man.

Died of the pox, no doubt.

Now, the point is, sir, it only leaves my brother Joseph and me in the tontine.

- Oh, yes, I see, sir. - Do you, sir? Do you?

I doubt it. I doubt it. But we're not concerned with you, are we, eh?

We're concerned with me - my thoughts and feelings.

- That's right, sir. - Yes.

Now, you're to go and get Joseph and tell him I want to see him.

Yes, sir.

- Won't that upset you, sir? - Upset me? But of course it'll upset me.

But nothing will upset me more than not winning the tontine

and leaving you with a mountain of debts and a doubtful future

as an idiot in a profession of rogues and charlatans.

So, get him and tell him I'm dying.

Thank you, Peacock.

Privilege, sir.

How's your grandfather this morning?

- He says he's dying, Peacock. - Oh, they always say that, sir.

But Peacock, he wants to see his brother Joseph.

- Master Joseph? - Yes.

But they haven't even spoken to each other for 40 years.

Yes, I know, Peacock.

He must be dying!

Yes. Goodbye, Peacock.

Good day...

Michael.

There's too much excitement in this house.

Yes? Who is that?

Oh, er... yes.

Er... is Joseph Finsbury at home?

I can't hear you. Could you speak a little lower?

Is Joseph Finsbury at home?

Lower.

Is Joseph...

Oh, er...

Joseph Finsbury. Is he at home?

- No, he is not. - Oh.

Could you tell me, then, when he is expected?

Who, may I ask, is enquiring?

Oh, allow me...

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Michael Finsbury, of the same name.

Oh...

Oh, I'm sorry to seem so inhospitable,

but in the past 12 months alone, over 320 girls in the Greater London area

have been attacked by persons unknown, and many of them unnecessarily mutilated.

- Do come in. - Oh, yes.

Thank you.

They do say it's something to do with the weather.

Oh... yes.

So, you're Michael Finsbury?

Yes.

Actually, Michael Hubert Gregory Finsbury.

And I am your cousin Julia.

Yes, I know.

- Do come in. - Thank you.

Oh, yes...

Er... do you er...

- Do you breed birds? - Oh, no.

Cousin Morris is an ardent collector of eggs.

He has spent most of his adult life in the pursuit of them.

- Most commendable. - Oh, do you think so?

I find them... obscene.

Well, yes, yes, of course. They are obscene.

I suddenly see now how obscene they are.

He doesn't pursue birds, I take it?

No. Only eggs.

Well, I'm glad, because that would be even more obscene.

Oh, I can see you are a deep thinker, like me.

What is your particular interest?

My consuming interest is the human body.

Oh...

Oh, I am studying to be a surgeon at St Mary's.

Oh, I see. So, that's where you go every morning. I see you often...

er... through the window.

Oh, what an extraordinary coincidence! I look at you through the window.

And I've often had a burning desire... to nod.

But my grandfather does not approve of such things.

Nor does my Uncle Joseph.

Yes.

Well...

There it is, then.

Is he at home, your Uncle Joseph?

Oh, no. He is in Bournemouth, taking the sun, with Cousin Morris and Cousin John.

Oh.

Might I enquire why you are enquiring?

- Well, my grandfather is dying. - Oh...

Oh, it's nothing serious. He's been dying for years.

But now he seems to have taken a turn for the worse,

and he wants desperately to see his brother, before it is too late.

Well, you... you could send Uncle Joseph a telegraph.

They say the telegraphic service has much to commend it.

Yes. I've heard them say that.

What an excellent idea!

I've never sent one.

One should always broaden one's horizons.

Oh, yes...

Yes.

Well...

That's what I'll do, then.

Oh, thank you for pointing out to me

how obscene eggs are.

It was a most... Excuse me.

It was a most illuminating observation.

Oh...

It was superb of you to call.

Oh, not at all. I hope I shall see a great deal more of you.

Well... off to St Mary's.

Oh, yes, I'm... I'm...

I'm sure they have need of you there.

Along with everything else, Uncle Joseph says there are 124 tropical diseases

that can be contracted here in England.

Mainly from fresh fruit, returning travellers and...

...hand towels in public places.

- 124? - Yes.

Really?

I must make a note of that. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh! Oh!

Listen to me, all you eggs. I met him!

I've finally met him!

Oh...