Superstore

.

Male narrator: The American superstore.

One-stop shopping

for everything you could ever want or need.

Do you want to be thinner?

Fatter?

Happier?

Sadder?

Are you looking for friendship?

Or solitude?

Or even love?

That's actually a cubic zirconia knockoff.

It's called PlastiClear.

What happened to the $8 ones?

We're all sold out of those, sorry.

But this one's only $2 more.

I get it.

You advertise the cheap jewelry

to get the suckers in the door,

then you push the expensive stuff.

Well, I wouldn't use the word "suckers,"

or "expensive,"

or "jewelry."

Fine.

I got to stand in line for cigarettes anyhow.

Great.

I hope you and your fiancée are very happy together...

And that you don't procreate.

Glenn. - Huh?

I'm taking a mental-health break.

Okay. Have fun now.

Reflect.

Just checking over your new hire forms.

American citizen. Nice.

No dependents.

Me neither, unless you count my birds.

It just doesn't say anywhere on here

if you've got a girlfriend.

I didn't... is there a space for that?

There's this section here:

"Is there anything else we should know?"

Some people like to volunteer it.

Oh. Um... then also no.

- No. - No.

Okay, well, I will just jot that down, then.

But you are heterosexual, right?

Is... are you allowed to ask that?

No.

Smart.

We always keep the best rolls right in the middle.

Oh, wait. No, no, no. Let me help you with that.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine.

It's fine, I work here.

It's, like, my...

it's my job to help customers, so.

You work here?

Since when?

Since right now.

I'm... it's actually my first day.

- Oh. - I know.

I don't seem like the kind of person

who would work in a place like this.

Yeah, that's why I was so surprised.

I was like, "What?"

- "What?" - "Him?"

"What's he doing cleaning up toilet paper?"

I think it's because you just... you have this

very intelligent, educated, more cultured quality,

I mean, compared to...

Yeah. Oh, hey.

Look, I get that you're complimenting me,

but it might sound a little condescending,

so, you know...

Oh, yeah, thanks.

No, I wouldn't want to sound condescending

in front of somebody who works here.

Right.

Hey, can I run out for two minutes?

This thing is kicking my bladder

like it owes him money.

Oh, you know what, I'm actually not in charge...

Yes, of course. I'll take Carly off express.

And Vivian can bag, so take as long as you need.

Ah, thanks.

Little tip:

don't let the other workers here

know how much better than them you are.

They hate that.

I don't know why, maybe because

it sounds condescending.

Welcome.

I'm...

No, no, no, no!

All right, campers, listen up.

I've got an important announcement.

This is your garden variety generic decongestant.

And this is crystal meth, okay?

The tweakers use this to make this.

So stop selling them this, so they can't make this.

That guy told me he had a really bad cold.

He was buying 35 boxes, Cheyenne.

That should have been a red flag, okay?

Use your noggin.

Let's thank Dina

for that helpful tip of the day.

Thank you, Dina.

Am I the only one that thinks it's weird

that she walking around with a bag of crystal meth?

Hey, listen.

I... I think there might have been a misunderstanding.

I'm not an elitist, so...

Oh, elitist? What is that?

Like, a person who thinks their better than...

You know what elitist means.

Oh, yeah.

They learnt that to us in public school.

Anyway, I am so proud

to welcome two new angels to our Cloud 9 family.

Why don't you introduce yourselves?

Okay.

Hello, everyone.

I am Jonah.

And I am... I am excited to be here.

This is gonna be fun, so...

My name is Mateo Fernando Aquino Liwanag,

and I'm here to make something of myself.

Whoo!

See how far I can fly.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, I, too, would like to see how far I can fly.

So...

- Saved it. - Thank you.

Now, I used to end these meetings

with some wisdom from the Good Book.

But then someone reported me to corporate.

Heck yeah, I did.

Look, I'm a Christian too, but in these four walls,

my bible is the employee code of conduct.

We all thank you for it.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I pray for you, Dina.

I pray for you, too, Glenn.

No, I'm praying right now.

I'm praying so hard.

I'm praying harder than you.

I know how.

So to welcome our new employees...

Welcome.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

This is my jam.

Hey, do we have any kind of training?

I've just been wandering

from one department to another,

trying to look like I have purpose.

It works better if you carry a box.

There you go. See?

You'll learn as you go.

Look, man, only a couple things to remember:

always show up on time, don't steal,

and stay on the floor supervisor's good side.

The fl... who's the floor supervisor?

I got to go get another box.

Hey, can we... can we start over?

I'm... Jonah, as you know.

And you're Ramona.

Nope, that is not my name.

I just don't like random strangers using my name

like we're buddies.

Right, like how hookers

don't like to be kissed on the lips.

Did you just compare me to a hooker?

No.

You look bored.

Let me help you with that.

All electronics are supposed to be 25% off,

but our POS system is down.

So you scan, hit "reassign,"

"enter," "override, yes,"

"reduce 0.25," "enter, yes, yes."

You are not paying attention.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

"Confirm," "enter, yes." Got it?

If I guessed your name,

would you tell me if I was right?

Take this.

Oh, it's so pretty!

I'll make a list.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

Do you know the difference

between a stool softener and a laxative?

I'll be right with you, ma'am.

Cheyenne, what's going on?

My boyfriend just asked me to marry him.

I don't want it soft.

I want it out of me.

You know, I hadn't realized earlier

that Cheyenne was the lucky girl you'd be proposing to.

Yeah, well, I knocked her up,

so my dad says I have to.

So romantic.