The Job Lot

All right, Angela. Thought you'd been sacked?

I knew I had 'em somewhere. They were in my bum bag.

Shall I open up? Yes, please. Hold on.

It's not nine yet. I make it nine.

No. Well it's nearly nine.

Yeah, well nearly nine's not nine, is it? No, but it's nearly nine.

Still not nine. Tell you what, let's open at nearly nine.

I don't get paid from nearly nine.

Fine, fine, it's fine. Just tell me when it's nine.

You know what, Angela. I was really hoping

we could just put this behind - It's nine.

Morning! In you come.

Just dragging myself out of bed every morning's an effort.

I feel like a failure.

I mean, I've got a degree.

Art.

Where's that got me?

I'll be honest with you... I don't know how much more I can take.

Look, I really feel for you, mate, but... can I just sign on?

Sorry.

So what have you done in the last two weeks to find work?

Karl, my love? Can I just have a quick word?

Today's motto. 'Turn the unemployed into the funemployed.'

Right, this'll only take a mo.

Are they closing us down? No, no! Well, God, I hope not!

Why, have you heard something I haven't?

No, no. They'd tell me first, wouldn't they?

No, I just want to grab a quick chat

with Angela's immediate colleagues in frontline claims, because she's back.

Which is great! Welcome back, Angela.

So, it's business as usual. Everything's been resolved,

Angela and I will be moving forward on an 'equal footing'

and I'm happy about that.

We both see this as a really positive step, don't we, Angela?

Can we go? Yes, go. Go... get 'em.

Go get 'em a job.

Ooh, sorry, just one more thing.

There's another World of Work seminar this afternoon.

Help us reach our targets. Any volunteers to run it?

Anyone... want to help me?

No, OK, not to worry! I'll do it. It's fine. Great.

Come on, Trish. Come on, Trish.

So, what happened right, was I was gonna write the letter for the job

but I had to find John first.

John...? John from Adult Learning? You know, the one with the hair.

No, not the hair, the car.

But I couldn't find John.

I even went to where he buys food. You know, the supermarket.

But he wasn't there.

But I didn't think he would be because it was the night.

And then I thought if he's not in Boots he's not anywhere.

But he wasn't in Boots.

Graham, why did you need to find John to write a letter?

Well because John's got me pen.

Sorry about that. I had to give it the once over.

The cleaners are bloody useless.

Can I help you, love? Yeah, I'm looking for New Claims?

Straight through on your left, just follow your nose.

Thank you. There you go, fella. No job too big or small.

He's ever so good, did a cracking job on my downstairs.

Excuse me? I'd like to see someone about making a claim.

Have you got an appointment?

No, I didn't know - You have to make an appointment

if you want to speak to me.

Can I... make an appointment?

Yes, you can, yeah. Great, thanks.

Er... what time - You can't book in person, you have to call this number.

But I'm... I'm right here.

If you're going to get aggressive I will have to call security.

I'm not getting - Security! OK, OK!

Hello, Brownall Job Centre, how can I help you?

Erm... well I'd like to make an appointment with you.

Can you hold the line, please?

There's no mobile phones in the job centre.

The interview was going all right,

but then, the woman who was asking all the questions,

she wasn't a woman anymore. She was Phillip Schofield.

And we weren't in an office,

we were in a squat in Nuneaton where I used to live.

My thinking is now that it was probably a dream.

So, my answer to your question would be no,

I haven't had any job interviews. Unless you count dreams.

Do you count dreams? We don't, no.

So that's 40 square metres of the luxury floral twist... Paul.

No, sorry... No I don't know a Moustapha. Wrong number.

All right, mate. Cheerio. If you could clear the landing of furniture

that'd be lovely. Cheers, mate, bye. Why aren't you on the door?

Sorry, Trish, some idiot keeps phoning for a kebab house.

These phones don't take incoming calls. Try telling him that!

Paul, are you running a carpet fitting company from the job centre?

A carpet fitting company? From the job centre?

This job centre?

No, bab. Only I found these in the photocopier.

Now I admire your work ethic, Paul,

but it's got no place in this job centre.

I think the toner's going. Just... do your job.

Which one? No. Not today.

Now you are not going to bring me down because I am strong,

I am positive and I am in control.

Right?

Anyone need help?

No?

'Welcome to The Department for Work and Pensions translation service.

If you require an immediate telephone translation press one now.

If you require...' How are you, Karl?

'Now please listen carefully to...' OK. Great.

'Press one...' How are you?

Great! Considering.

Honestly.

Talk me through your targets, we really need to get those numbers up.

How many people are you going to get back into work today?

Two? Three? Let's say seven, nice even number. Sound OK?

Well... Brilliant. Thank you, Karl.

You're my little ray of sunshine. You're my favourite.

OK, so just to recap, you're going to get nine people back into work,

be my little ray of sunshine, and file these for me.

There is a temp due but she's late. Thank you so much.

'Press 10 for Sierra Leone, 11 for Somalia, 12 for Sudan...

You have pressed two, Angola. I'm sorry, I didn't...

I'm sorry... Press star to return to the main menu...'

Want one?

Here y'are, fella. Aqua Miami, very jazzy.

No, I've told you, I'm fine. Thank you.

Peach Renaissance?

He said I was aggressive but I wasn't cos it didn't even hit him.

What didn't? His holepunch. He said I was wasting his time.

To be fair, Bryony, you were wasting his time.

I wanted that job. But you can't speak Portuguese.

Yeah, but I go to Nando's.

You can't sign on if you don't start applying for realistic jobs.

I am.

MI5? It's my dream.

We've all got dreams, Bryony,

but sometimes you've got to take whatever's going.

I don't want to be here but... you put up with something you hate,

hoping that things will get a little bit better.

Is that supposed to inspire me?

Cos to be honest that makes me want a job even less.

Thanks. You can't stop my money, I've got mouths to feed.

You haven't got any kids. All right, I've got a mouth to feed.

Go and find a job you can do.

You go and find a job I can do.

OK.

Ah, there is a vacancy here at Upper Crust.

I'm wheat intolerant.

Argos?

I've got a thing about little pens.

Bryony, I am trying to help. They will stop your money.

You can't stop my money. I can.

This is abuse!

Right. That's it, I've had enough.

What would your mum say if she saw you playing up? Oh, don't you start.

Don't you cheek me, madam.

I cleaned you up when you pooed yourself

at Walsall Leather Museum. Remember? Go on, shift!

See you later, everyone. I've had enough.

You can stick this job where the squirrel keeps his... conkers.

What's going on? You got another job?

No. Well where are you going then?

I'll find something. Use your loaf, Karl!

There's a bloke over there who drove here. Drove. In a Volvo.

I don't care, mate. I'm not doing this anymore.

If you ever see me in here again it will be 20 million years too soon.

Up yours.

Ow! Watch it. You got me right in the boob! Sorry, sorry.

You all right? Yeah, I've got another one.

Signing on? No, I'm temping.

I'm so late though, left my bag on the bus. Ended up in Cannock!

So you're the temp? Yeah.

Do you work here?

This is the Welcome Desk where we welcome people.

Right.

That's Janette, one of our security guards.

Hello, my love.

And... this is Darren.

What does he do? Nothing, that's why he's here!

Sorry, I'm joking. Darren's a trained chef.

You all right there, Darren?

Any tasty kitchen jobs come up? Thought you'd left?

Brilliant. We're always having a laugh like that here.

I thought you'd left?

You see? Ah, you jokers.

Angela. This is Chloe.

Hi.

Brownall Job Centre, how can I help you?

Yeah, don't worry about her. She's always like that.

Trish actually sacked her but she won a tribunal

and she had to give her her job back. Awkward. Yeah, just a bit.

And this is my desk. Where I do my business.

Not toilet business obviously, they're out the back.

Oh, good to know.

Would you like... a biscuit?

Bloody hell, Karl! Have you got diabetes?!

No. I just like biscuits.

Yeah, so did my nan until she lost a leg.

Ah, you must be the temp. Trish, C-SOM.

Customer Service Operation Manager. Sorry I'm late.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

We'll set you up here on the spare desk. I see you've met Karl.

Yeah. Yeah, he's been showing me around.