Veep

The United States of America

has a new president... Laura Montez.

I hate this country.

We've gotten so close. It was devastating.

But I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine

by the name of Selina Meyer.

And I like her.

- You look absolutely radiant! - Oh, thank you.

Yes, your stay in the insane asylum?

- It's really agreed with you. - Oh, it was a spa.

This is the second act.

Selina Meyer travels the globe,

spreading democracy like patient zero.

Ma'am, you can't run for president.

Uh, you don't have the party support. It's over.

Well, I was speaking hypothetically.

I want a library.

I'm the only living president who doesn't have one.

Nobody gives me any respect.

How about that?

No justice, no library!

Who despises me like this?!

Well, there's President Montez, Tom James...

The White House maids, the stewards.

White working-class voters.

Jonah, my boy, I've come to say farewell.

- I'm pulling all my financial support. - Ow!

Let's send them a message,

by shoving the guy that they hate the most

right back in their faces. Thank you!

- Advance copies! - Really?

My book, my book, my book!

- Woman First, First Woman. - Yeah!

You'd get murdered in my country for saying something like that.

Remember a couple months ago after you got fired,

- we had drinks with Ben? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm pregnant. And it's yours.

Marjorie and I are having a baby.

I can't believe I'm gonna be a father.

Lotta responsibility.

You just signed away all responsibility.

Say hello to little Richard.

It was President Selina Meyer who negotiated to free Tibet.

- They finally know it's me! - Oh, my gosh!

I've been rethinking things.

And there are some new options for me.

The options would be easier without any baggage.

I'm running for president!

The band is getting back together again!

I do need to talk to you about your role.

- To Team Meyer. - Team Meyer!

Well, second time's the charm.

Uh, it's actually the fourth.

- Yeah, fourth time's the charm. - Yeah, it's fourth.

It's just incredible.

"New Selina."

- "Now." - Oh, it's perfect!

I don't really get it, actually.

Ma'am, we're so far ahead in the polls

and you're not even running yet.

SHEILA couldn't agree more.

Hey, Kent's dating again.

No, SHEILA is my predictive computer model

- for election results. - No. No.

Strategic Hypermetric Electoral Interactive

Logistical Algorithm.

I don't want nuts.

I like her more than I like the deaf girl.

- Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads.

- Here you go, ma'am. - I still need my speech.

- It's printing, ma'am. - Amy, are you there?

We're all ready for you, ma'am.

Hey! Sweatpants! You can't just walk out.

This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

Al right, quiet, everyone. Mommy's reading.

OK, the network's been properly fluffed.

Told 'em to expect a surprise announcement

without telling 'em that she's surprise-announcing.

Maybe after the announcement we can finally sit down.

There's still a lot to talk about.

We talk plenty, Amy.

No, not you, ma'am.

I was talking about the...

What? Jesus, I thought you sent that thing to the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already.

It's just we've been so busy with the campaign. I don't wanna...

Waitin' for the thing to get into fucking college?! What are you doing?!

OK, Leon, I'm still... I'm not sure about this part

where I say I wanna be president for all Americans.

I mean, do I? Ya know? All of them?

- How about "real Americans"? - Oh, yeah, that's good.

And then we can figure out what I mean later.

Yeah.

Ma'am, I don't have a copy of the speech.

OK, I don't know what she's saying, so... here.

Ma'am, the voters need to know clearly

and definitively why you want to be president.

- In your own words. - If you want me to use my own goddamn words,

- then write me something to say. OK? - Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration

'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y.

OK.

Hello, Iowa!

- I'm... - Selina Meyer.

- Wait a minute. Where is everyone? - Maybe they're hiding.

Wha...

Amy? Where are you?

At the airport. Where are you?

There's only one fuckin' runway!

I'm at the airport! We just landed!

- That's not possible. - Right now I'm standing here,

with my dick in my hand,

in Cedar... Falls, Iowa!

- Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids. - No!

- This is supposed to be New Selina! - Now!

If Mohamad Atta

had you people booking his travel,

he'd still be alive today.

Which from his perspective,

would be a massive fuck-up.

Yeah, it didn't go very well.

- Ya think? - Ma'am, FYI,

we're tracking a school shooting

in Spokane, Washington.

- Muslim or white guy? - Don't know yet.

- Which is better for me? - White guy.

Fingers crossed.

OK, guys, what happened at the airport today

can never, ever happen again.

And so, as such, I have had A... OK.

I have had Amy prepare

a full autopsy of the last campaign

to specifically identify

problem areas within the organization.

- OK? So, Amy? - Thank you, ma'am.

I have put together a summary list

of what I discovered were the most egregious

- flaws in our organization. - I said this already. This is what I just said.

- Yeah. - Great.

First and foremost, there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate

to take responsibility for mistakes.

What? No, you were the one that made mistakes.

What else? Go on.

Second, there was a culture of blame

which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms.

What dumb asshole said that?

Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies

and share ideas with campaign staff.

- Four... - Autopsy is now over.

Forget about it. Oh, my G...

How many pages is this, 500?

How about I write 500 pages

about how you need to start wearing concealer?

Ames, can I get a copy of that?

Guys, this is not going to be a repeat of my last campaign.

- I am New Selina. Exactly. - Now.

So I'm gonna shake things up. I'm gonna hire Keith Quinn.

He's already doing oppo for Kapoor's people.

Then offer him campaign manager.

I thought I was your campaign manager.

I thought I was going to Cedar Falls.

- Cedar Rapids. - Ma'am, we have

another candidate announcing for president.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say white guy.

I was reminded of another innovator by the name of Jesus Christ.

Thank you.

Two wheelchair guys behind him?

What, we didn't get the point with the first one?

- I got it. - One wheelchair guy, good for you,

two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

OK, Keith fucking Quinn? Are you kiddin' me?

I heard the last campaign that guy joined, he had the entire staff fired.

I knew she'd cut my balls off,

I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa.

Well, campaign's ahead of schedule.

Ma'am, the Meyer Fund is now completely wrapped up,

but there were some accounting issues

that didn't resolve cleanly.

But that's Andrew's department, so just give him a call.

His cell phone number now seems to belong to a Portuguese gentleman.

Ma'am, your non-announcement this morning

has given us an excellent opportunity to fix your speech.

- Why do you want to be president? - Leon, I've got this.

It's all in my head, so just don't worry about it.

Sorry.

Why would you want to be president?

- As the child of a Native American... - OK, I get the gist.

Is Little Richard ready to go and meet some voters?

Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop.

It's just a few more months in Iowa,

and then we're gonna hide him when we get to New Hampshire.

No, no crying.

Mom, you cannot tell the baby "N-O."

"N-O" is a negative rejoinder.

We don't want to constrain Little Richard developmentally...

What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole? For instance.

You're supposed to say, "That's not our plan."

I don't even know where to start.

Child Services is a good place.

Here. Take... Go back to Mommy #1 or 2 or whatever.

Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom.