Baby Daddy

Okay, Emma,

first doctor's visit.

But have no fear, because daddy's here.

It's all pretty basic.

Paper covered table.

Which is good because you never know

where the last baby has been.

Oh, look.

Here's where they keep all the free stuff.

Tucker?

What?

Hey, don't knock the system, okay?

Why do you think we always have

toilet paper and napkins. Right?

You're gonna get us kicked out

before the doctor even--

Oh! Tongue depressors.

Or as I like to call them,

- kickass drum sticks. - Yup.

Emma Wheeler?

And her backup band,

big finish!

- ( Chuckles ) - Hi, I'm Emma's dad.

Formally known as just "Ben."

- ( Chuckles ) - And I'm Tucker.

We are not together.

Why do you keep telling people that?

Dude, it's New York.

People assume.

Nobody assumes.

I assumed.

We're not together.

I'm Ben Wheeler,

Emma's straight and very single father.

That's good to know,

Emma's very single father.

Oh.

So, let's take a look

at our little patient here.

She really is adorable.

Thanks, I made her myself.

I like to think that she got

all of my good parts.

Well, not all of--

So, why don't you sit up

on this table here.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Doctor...?

Cassie. I'm a nurse practitioner.

Oh, well then we've got a lot in common

because I'm practicing to be a dad. ( Chuckles )

That is not what it means, Ben.

Oh, she likes you.

I guess what they say is true.

What's true?

Pretty girls like to hang out together.

Oh. ( Chuckles )

Okay, well, there are quite a few items

you didn't answer on the intake form.

Oh, yeah. Some of those questions were a little tricky.

Date of birth?

Whoa. ( Chuckles )

Straight to the tough ones.

Yeah.

What else you got?

Um...

Mother's history?

Checkered.

Let's just say it's a very complicated story.

She split after a one-night stand

and left the baby on the doormat.

It's not really all that complicated.

Thanks, Tucker.

Look, the point is

I've only got one girl in my life right now.

So, please just make sure she stays

as perfect and healthy as she seems.

Mmm.

Well, she's already got one thing going for her.

She's got you.

Uh, what's this?

My phone number.

Give me a call sometime,

very single Ben.

The doctor will be right in.

Oh, yes! I just got hit on

by a hot baby nurse.

We make a good team.

Yes, we do.

Now shove these down your pants.

I'm so excited.

I can't believe I'm finally gonna get

to see you play in a pro game

after all these years.

Whereas I have never missed one.

Really wish you could have come up to Calgary.

There every week.

Well, I know it was a little traumatic for you,

but I for one am very glad you got traded.

Traumatic?

No, players get traded

for all kinds of reasons.

I don't care what that reporter said.

What reporter?

Oh.

The one who said the only thing worse

than your skating is--

- Aah. - All kinds of reasons.

I'm gonna go get something to eat.

Can we please go over the list now?

Everything's got to be perfect.

And it will be, honey.

Mom's got it covered.

You've got my extra long laces

from Gordon's? My mouth guard

- still in the package? - I'm on it.

And you're gonna press my socks?

The iron is already on.

Oh, my God. Did I leave the iron on?

Wow!

I can't believe you're still so superstitious.

Do you remember that rank jersey

you used to wear in high school--

- Ooh. - ( Gags, coughs )

Oh, my God. That's the one.

I never washed it.

Never will.

That is the scent of victory.

Well, victory smells like

the inside of a dumpster.

A hot, sweaty dumpster

that helps my baby win.

Give me that.

I still wear it under my uniform

for every game.

It's tight, but it's definitely

my good luck charm.

He was wearing this when he won

his first championship.

He was only 14.

Oh, dear lord. My eyes are watering.

That bird was already dead, right?

- Yes! - No!

Laundry.

If it's drool, spit-up,

or doodie-related,

it's your responsibility.

Knock, knock?

Hey.

I was, uh, just having dinner

around the corner, and I thought I would see

if Ben needed any help getting Emma to bed.

Oh, don't you mean see if Ben needed any help

getting himself to bed?

Oh, you're hilarious.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow! - Where is he?

He's on a date

with Emma's nurse.

Apparently, Emma's not the only one

who passed her physical.

Isn't that a conflict of interest?

Only yours.

Oh, come on.

You gotta get over Ben.

Please,

I am completely over him.

Ben, hi.

Hey, Riley.

Great news,

my date with Cassie was amazing.

Wow.

That is great news.

She's smart, pretty,

taught me how to take my own pulse,

and Emma loves her.

Ben, Emma loves everyone.

She's like a puppy.

Oh!

- Did you miss your Auntie Riley-- - ( baby crying )

Come on, Emma, let's go finish

"The Little Red Riding Hood."

My money's on the wolf.

Tucker's got laundry again?

Yup.

Sweet.

It's weird,

I've never gone out with a girl like Cassie before.

She's educated,

she's a professional,

she's...

A grown-up.

What?

Let's just say

that maybe you're not exactly

the best judge of character.

You can get a little distracted

by other things.

Like boobs.

Okay, that's not--

okay, maybe it's a little true.