Fresh Off the Boat

It had been a few months

since we moved from D.C. to Orlando,

and we were all looking forward

to my mom's family coming to visit.

This is a nightmare. Well, not all of us.

You know your brother-in-law's only coming to gloat

about our restaurant not being successful.

Louis, they're family.

They're coming to gloat about all of our misfortunes...

The restaurant, Eddie.

Getting away from Steve and his stupid store

was supposed to be one of the perks of moving here.

Okay, we got the l-shaped sectional,

the entertainment center, the deluxe love seat...

Is this man bothering you?

Say the word, and I'll call the police.

That's funny.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs., uh, oberg,

this is my boss-in-law, Steve.

I was just about to finalize...

Getting us all some twizzlers.

There were no twizzlers.

We have twizzlers?! What? No.

I thought there were twizzlers.

At least with your whole family coming,

Steve can't drive his stupid used miata.

Steve says his miata is new.

It's not new! It's used!

I'm sorry. It's just... I...

No, it's okay. You're right.

My sister can't wait to see us struggling in this swampland.

How do you know?

She called me yesterday, and she told me.

I can't wait to see your new home.

It's a little cozy,

but there's always room for my dear sister.

The whole family's so proud of you.

She's just bitter because I have always been mom's favorite.

That's why she's coming.

She wants mom to see us struggling.

But they will be in for a surprise

when they see how well we are doing.

But we're not.

Yes, but they don't know that.

I've never loved you more.

Ew! Gross!

I think it's great

that you guys still have passion in your marriage.

Captions by vitac ...

My relatives were on their way,

but the way my parents were acting, you would have thought

Mariah Carey was coming to visit.

I mean, a hot, pre-Nick Cannon,

"in the Washington wizards dress" Mariah Carey.

They were putting up fake lemon trees all over the house,

fancying up the bathroom...

basically doing anything they could

to look like ballers.

All right, the record should reflect now

that the defendant is present with counsel.

You may be seated, if you wish.

Even though my parents were tripping, I was psyched

because my favorite cousin Justin was coming.

Justin was only six months older than me,

but he was the one who changed my life forever.

Yo. Check this out.

You are now about to witness

the strength of street knowledge.

From that moment on, i was a.W.O....

Asian with obsession.

I couldn't wait to show Justin

how deep my hip-hop knowledge had gotten.

Everything had to be perfect

for when I busted out the new 2pac.

What's a 2-pack?

It's not for you. Your baby ears aren't ready.

Remember the time a ladybug crawled in my ear?

Evan, Emery, grandma chu will be staying in your room.

Yay! Grandma party!

You won't be sleeping there.

Aw. Aw.

I have made other arrangements.

Why can't we sleep on the couch?

Because then your aunt and uncle will know

we don't have enough bedrooms.

And they must never know that.

Okay, I just talked to Mitch,

and we have a great promotion set for Saturday.

All the boomin' onions you can eat for 99 cents.

Yes! Cattleman's will be packed when we take your family there.

Won't you lose money?

Well, sometimes you have to spend money you don't have

to make it seem like you have money that you don't spend.

Mm!

Okay, house is ready.

Now it's our turn. We need a new look.

We need a look that instantly says... "Success."

Let me explain.

In addition to fake lemon trees,

another thing Chinese people did to show prosperity

was get a perm.

I don't know why, but to my people,

curls were like dollar signs.

These success perms were a great idea.

I feel like a curly-headed lion surveying my kingdom.

They're coming! They're coming!

We're ready.

Oh!

Connie!

Oh, your boobs are so big!

I know. They're new.

I had to give up jogging.

Oh, I can tell.

Oh! They are big.

Nirvana?

Justin, yo, why you dressed like that?

It's grunge.

It reflects what I feel on the inside.

Your shirt looks like a picnic blanket.

Thank you.

Where's Steve?

He drove separately.

He drove separately for 13 hours... Mm.

just so he could bring that stupid car.

He got a success perm, too.

I see that. I can see that.

Did somebody order Chinese?!

Ooh! Fancy place.

Have I got the "huang" house?

That's a great joke, Steve. Oh, hi!

Funny every time you tell it.

Sweet ride, uncle Steve.

Hey, thanks, Emery.

If you work hard and you're smart like me,

some day you can have a brand-new miata.

Or used, because it's used.

Yo.

You want to help me with this?

I have my own baggage.

Emotional.

So, the furniture store is doing really well,

and I thought, "why not?"

You only live once, right?

And now you are equipped with air bags.

So, how was the trip down?

I know mom can be so critical of your driving.

Oh, she was complaining the whole time...

Mm.

Oh! Ah-ma!

about you.

What?!

She's been feeling a little abandoned, you know?

Because you abandoned her.

Connie!

Looks like you're not her favorite anymore.

Guess who is.

Are you thinking? Are you thinking about who is?

Connie!

Coming, ah-ma.

And that's my lazy Susan,

because, you know, sometimes we get lazy.

Oh, that's my, uh, pager.

We're opening a second store. Business, right?

Tell me about it.

My restaurant is so successful,

I had to put in a dedicated fax line.

It seems kind of quiet now, Louis.

It's in recharge mode. Tired.

All right, dad, it's all set up.

I brought along my Internet computer.

I need to check on my store's webpage.

Hmm.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, go, go. Go to the bathroom.

We got plenty of time.

All right, deputy jex,

would you just take a step back, please?

This is people's 164-a? Is that the right-hand glove?

Seems to be having a problem putting the glove on his hand.

Sustained.

The real juice is loose.

Mom, would you like some tea? You must be so tired. Can we ask him to straighten his fingers...

I have green, oolong chrysanthemum, sleepytime!

He appears to have pulled the gloves on, counsel.

Something was up with my cousin,

but whatever it was, I knew what would snap him out of it.

I was thinking we should start with the old stuff

and work forward.

Are you guys having a rap party?

I'm m.C. Hammer!

Get out!

Come on. Let's go.

Sorry about that. Kids.

I'm thinking of moving to Seattle.

Or we could just start with this.

Oh, I-I'm not into 2pac anymore. He's just a little immature.

You want to listen to some real grown-up music?

Mom won't even talk to me.

Aw. That's too bad.

Thanks for letting me and Steve stay in your bedroom.