Family Guy

Okay, everyone. Hurry up and hand in you oscar picks before it starts.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johanson and for some reason Stewe Bushemi.

Man, look at this Stewe Buscemi.

Everyone of his teeth is in business for itself.

You know, Stewe, the artdirector's job

is never an easy one.

That's right, Scarlett, but this year--

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to the Elton John party.

What the hell? I told you, we're staying for the governor's ball.

And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.

Peter, may I use your restroom?

I took a lots of any stool hardner (?), ooh.

And they're fighting it out in there.

Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

Oh, boy! I hope there's scale in there.

I'd like to have before and after on this one.

I'll be out in a minute. I really need to go.

She said she'll be out in a minute.

Oh, I hope there's another bathroom in there.

Oh god!

Oh, thank god, a porto party (?).

Dad, mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure.

Can I have it even know it's dinner time?

Sure Chris. Drink Ensure as a meal. Or inbetween meals.

Or when you're on the go.

- Is Mort still in the bathroom? - I'll go see if he's all right.

Mort?

Hello? Mort?

Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey! What are you doing in my room?

Don't touch my stuff with you dirty walking on the streets paws.

I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.

- O-oh. - What?

My time machine. It's been activated.

Time machine? I didn't know you've had a time machine.

Yeah, built it after I got bored with that european "see and say".

The pig goes-- Wank!

The cow goes-- Shazoo!

It most certainly does not.

The ruster goes-- Kikkery-gee!

Where? Where does the ruster say that?

The monkey goes-- Ma-kak!

Oh, no-no-no! It does not.

The elephant goes-- Fuamp! Oh yeah, kinda.

Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidently stumbled into the time machine?

Yeah, I suppose it's possible.

Let's ask Rick Moranis and the backup singers from "Little Shop of Horrors"

Da-rum. I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago.

Mort ...

He seemed to be in a rush and had a pain look on his face.

Had to poop...

And he stepped into that box there and suddenly there was a big flash of light.

That's when he get back in time.

- Oh my god! Stewie we have to get him back. Where did the machine sent him? - I don't know.

How- How can you not know? It's a time machine.

Doesn't it have like display that tells the year or something?

Oh, I'm sorry Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine?

Oh, yeah, oh. You probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

Stupid dog!

Well then-- Can't you just press a couple of buttons and bring him back?

No, he can't just come back. He needs the return pad.

Oh, we can't just leave Mort back in time.

That'd be more irresponsible that silent movie porn.

All right. We'll go get him. But remember Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past.

Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.

- Really? - Nah, you can do whatever you want. C'mon!

Okay. If everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to.

- Now we just got to figure out where we are. - Or when we are.

Oh, that's such a douche time travellers thing to say.

Shazoo!

Okay. We're somewere in Europe.

Aha! Look Brian! This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.

Or to Quagmire.

Aha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, he's gross.

Warsaw. Well, at least we know where we are.

And so we had encrucified. But this doesn't leave this room.

Anyway, the point is, may Haim and Sarah have many wonderful years together. Amen.

Oh, excuse me! We're looking for mr. Goldman.

Mr. Mort Goldman.

He's a small business owner. Tends to wine a lot. Kinda of hypochondriac.

Oh no, you can't put you hand back up after you put it down. You know-- Never mind.

Stewie look at this. September 1st, 1939.

There's something about that date.

I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazl tov! Now step on the glass.

Oh, but be careful though. At my wedding I cut myself on the glass.

And when I've got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon I had to put a wonder bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

Mazl tov!

Oh, Mort, thank god.

Brian and Stewie? You're in heaven too?

Mort, this isn't heaven. You've time travelled into the past.

What? How is that possible?

Just trust me, we're here to bring you back home.

But it's got to be heaven, Brian. Look!

There's my frugal aunt Ruth, my drifty(?) uncle Isaac, my bogen hunting aunt Flo,

and my great aunt Vera, who didn't like to spend a lot on anything.

C'mon Mort, we gotta get out of here.

But Brian, when am I gonna have another chance to see my grandpa Haim's wedding with my own eyes.

Yes, you know, he's right, Brian. Besides, I've never been to hebrew wedding.

Well, I guess we could stay a little longer.

Oh, wonderful. I wanna be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top jew.

O-oh.

I knew there was something about this date.

September 1st, 1939. This is the german invasion of Poland.

It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

Stewie, we gotta get out of here fast.

- Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time. - Right.

- What's wrong? Why we're still here? - I don't know.

Stewie, it's not working.

Yeah. And you know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting.

Aw god! Should we ask somebody for help?

Yeah, right. How many pollocks does it take to fix the time machine? Let's find out.

No, we can't stay here. We'll have to get Mort to England. It's the only place he'll be safe from the nazis.

Oh dear, awful those nazis. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful

and rub dirt my assneck(?) all over my assy nipples.

What?

Juden. Ruber der schmutzen auf deine assneck.

All right, there's the checkpoint. If we can get past it, we're out of occupied Poland.

Right. Mort, you're set?

Oh god. I hope this works.

Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now.

And we'll be bringing our friend, who's absolutely 100% not jewish.