Breaking In

Happy Monday, professionals.

It's Thursday, and so it begins.

Hello, boss. Right. We have a lot going on today.

You know it, girlfriend.

Oh, I am obsessed with this new phone that you set me up with.

If I could just get your focus for a moment,

this is today's schedule...

It's even got auto-tune,

so everything you say sounds like a rap song,

even words like...

you have a meeting in five.

Also, could you sign this birthday card?

Birthday? Whose is it?

Mine, next week.

I've prepurchased a card for myself

to avoid the usual awkwardness when you inevitably forget.

I thought it might be to your taste.

"Happy birthday, hottie!

"You bring the fire, I'll bring the hose!"

Oh, my gosh. I love firemen.

This is gonna be my best birthday ev.

Never mind.

Molly! Incoming!

Hey, Robbie's got receipts.

Dude, dude, Cash is making a move.

Robbie! Heel!

Cash! Yeah.

It's 14 feet. Could you not have just walked them over?

Since when are you guys hitting on Molly?

She may have a stick up her butt,

but it's the hottest one in this office.

Yeah. I'd crack me off a piece of that.

Stay calm, oz.

Stay calm.

Stay calm.

We got a code blue!

Everybody stop what you're doing and listen up!

Contra has been compromised!

Look at what I just found in the trash.

Someone has pilfered my pudding.

Now, cam, I want you to hack into the NASA mainframe.

I want satellite recon.

Copy that.

Cash, I want a hard-target search of every office,

warehouse, henhouse, farmhouse, cathouse, waffle house, outh...

Excuse me, am I mistaken, or are you shutting down

the entire office over a gross, 89-cent pudding cup?

It's not about the pudding. It's about what it represents...

Respect, boundaries, creamy deliciousness...

Uh-huh.

I think I'm figuring this out.

When was the last time you got some?

Pardon?

You know. Spelunked mount baldy?

Rode the pink twinkler? Shanghaied the pumpkin patch?

Parked the plunger? Vacuumed the volcano?

Scrambled a vaj-omelet?

Wait a second.

You.

You ate my pudding.

What?

Give me the room.

We're not really in a room.

It's more of a communal work area.

Give... me... the... room!

I'm gonna give you one more chance.

Did you...

Or did you not...

Eat my pudding?

Perhaps, to keep both the peace and Veronica on schedule,

may I nip out and just get oz another pudding?

No. No nipping out to get oz something.

You're my girl, you work for me,

and it just so happens that I have a very important meeting

that consists of... oh.

We're putting that on the schedule now?

Mm-hmm.

I don't really have to go.

Wait.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

Veronica stole my pudding. I'm going to steal hers.

Molly Marie Hughes... That is our target, gentlemen.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

Even if V. Did steal your pudding, who cares?

No... I care!

Damn it, I was going to court to fight a ticket.

Veronica's already taken my office, my company...

That's just the beginning.

Hey, uh...

Veronica. Read the sign. You're in my spot.

Oh, shoot.

I already put it in park, and I already took the key out,

and I already put 'em in my purse, and...

Oh, no. I closed the door, and now I'm going inside.

All that woman does is take-y, take-y.

Well, now it's my turn.

We're gonna take Molly

with a little high-level C.I.A. Deprogramming.

Were you in the C.I.A.?

Nope, and as soon as we're done with Molly,

she'll forget Veronica mann ever existed...

So it's... it's beep...

Would you like a spot of tea?

Big Ben? Parliament? Guv'nor?

You know, there are some people in this office

who do appreciate you.

Why don't you take a little break? Hmm?

Come on.

To Molly Hughes, the newest member of the contra club.

Whoo. There you go, gal.

Aw.

Molly! Where is she?

Come on.

Phone. Activate.

I have a meeting, and I don't know who it's with

or where it is or what it's about.

Molly! Oh, my God. This is an emergency!

Emergency. Now dialing police.

No! Don't call the po-po! Molly!

Ain't it a drag when you're looking for something,

and it's just not there?

Kind of like my pudding. Mm?

Mmm.

Creamy deliciousness.

Where...

Is she?

(Michael Wandmacher's "we got your back" playing)

Oh, come on, man. Molly! Oh.

Molly's mine now, but good news for you is,

confess to the pud-napping,

and everything goes back to normal.

Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you?

Well, let me tell you something.

I can get Molly back anytime I want.

You're supposed to add water.

Mmm.

I like it this way.

It's heart smart.

Well, that's good,

'cause I just saw Molly heading to H.R.

So good.

Probably requesting a transfer.

I'm gonna kick you in the balls.

Okay.

They're vampires. That makes so much more sense.

Carol.

Um, I have a rather delicate H.R. Matter to discuss with you.

It has, uh, romantic implications.

Hmm. Please. Be seated.

O.C.P. Policy disallows

interoffice relationships that occur between two employees,

and these guidelines apply to all workers,

regardless of seniority.

Oh. You're all business.

That's... that's quite a pleasant surprise.

Did you bang him?

Ah, yes. That's more like it.

Is he some pale, brooding emo that hangs out at high school...

Even though he's, like, 110 years old?

No, but...

Well, he gives me the tingles.

So he's a werewolf.

Right.

Um, I trust, if I tell you who it is,

you will keep it in the strictest of confidence.

So Molly is totally in love with someone in the office.

Oh, man. I pity that unlucky bastard. Who is it?

Excuse me, Cameron.

I'm an H.R. Professional, and my word is sacred...

But let's just say,

if somebody plays his cards right...

That's so disgusting.

Oh, my God.

Mm.

So Molly's bridget jonesing for some booty?

Oh, please let it be mine.

- Here comes my girl now. - You mean my girl.

Oh, yeah. She's hooked.

You? She was waving at me. Look.

Uh, dude, quit wave-blocking.

Quit hitting on her.

You quit hitting on her.

Okay, fine. Nobody hits on her.

Yeah, being a professional hacker is crazy dangerous,

so I like to unwind by playing a little b-ball.

And one, son!

Oh. 28-3?

You let me win.

Busted. Yeah. That's me... A badass gentleman.

What have we here?

Can I... can I talk to you a second, please?

Huh?

Lando calrissian? Are you serious?

Look, I threw this on.

I mean, I can't help that

this stylish cape brings out the sparkle in my eyes.

Dude, no girl's gonna go for that.

Well, let's let her be the judge of that, you old pirate.

Wait. I knew it. You're here to hit on her.

You're here to hit on her. Just admit it.