Only Murders in the Building

You know, I almost proposed to Loretta in LA,

and then I didn't.

Why not?

One failed marriage, who hasn't been there?

Two failed marriages?

People start asking questions.

I can't believe that you thought I killed your friend.

I can't even kill this moderate to severe case

of bacterial conjunctivitis.

Sazz called Bev Melon

and said that there was a problem on the movie,

and right after that, she was shot!

Someone on the movie killed Sazz to keep this problem a secret.

The most brilliant directing team, the Brothers!

These three should be in the photo shoot, too.

It's just that the timing. I'm just saying in order for it to happen,

that would mean someone shot from the West Tower,

came all the way over here, cleaned up the crime scene,

and disposed of the body, all in 12 minutes?

How am I doing?

-It's been 38 minutes. -What?!

What is this I'm standing on? It feels like fly paper.

It's a tacky mat.

And that tacky mat matches the one from Dudenoff's apartment.

The killer was up at the production offices,

which means they're probably at the photo shoot.

It wasn't one person who did the murder. It was two.

One to shoot and one to clean up.

You're totally right. They could've done this.

Where's the other Brother sister?

- -

Oh, my God, they've been shot!

What you are about to see is a testimony of the accused,

but in our native language,

the language of...

film.

The footage is sourced from many different angles, cameras, and lenses

to give a multi-dimensional perspective,

as only cameras can, of the truth.

Tawny and I got our first camera at 9 years old.

- Action. -

A Sony DCR-VX1000.

We saved all our money, but it wasn't enough.

So we stole it.

Our aesthetic lived at the intersection of...

voyeurism and body horror.

For whatever reason, we didn't fit in in high school.

- -

So weird!

No.

Then we met our film professor,

and our lives were changed.

He said what made us weird would make us successful.

All we had to do was...

Keep shooting.

If there's one thing you take away from my class, it's this.

Take your camera and cover the world and capture it all.

And never, never censor yourself.

Never look away.

Unless it's an eclipse or Medusa,

or that time that I stapled your exams to my shirt.

No, but seriously.

Keep it rolling.

- -Even when it's chaotic.

Because chaos can be good.

Chaos...

can be art.

We really took that to heart.

- -

Oh God, they've been shot!

- - Oliver!

- -

-Get me the fuck outta here! - It came from over there!

-There! Right there! -

It's Glen, he's still alive!

Which Oliver is that?

-Uh... Zach? -

-They got me in my fat! - Okay.

- -Here.

Here, put pressure on it. Oliver!

-Is it over? - He's okay!

- - Taxi!

Drive, drive!

Take us to the Upper West Side. Anywhere but the hell that is SoHo.

-Are those guys gonna be okay? -They have to be.

I can't have anyone else die because of us.

- Oh, my God! -Did you guys see Tawny

when the shot was fired?

No, no. All I saw was my life flash before my eyes.

-Oh, I was a beautiful boy. - Mm-hmm.

Talented, even then.

Innocent,

and oh-so very good.

So what's inside your heads? You thinking Tawny took that shot?

Oh! You think it was meant for Oliver?

If it was, that means the shot that killed Sazz

could've been meant for me,

and... who knows?

-Mabel could be next. -

So you're all the target!

Howard, why are you filming us?

Well, I'm the on-set documentarian-slash-talent liaison.

I was told to never stop rolling

by the, um, by the Brothers Sisters.

The killers? Get out of this cab!

We're not even in Midtown! Wait, wait, you know what?

I'll work for you. Fuck the Brothers Sisters.

If anything happens to you,

this will be evidence for the police.

Okay, fine. Keep filming.

But, uh, but, favor my left side. Slightly higher angles.

- Okay... -And no profiles!

- Oh boy. -

Why would the Brothers Sisters jeopardize their own film to kill Oliver?

It doesn't make any sense.

It makes perfect sense. We just can't make sense of it.

Oh look, it's my famous neighbors who have ruined the building.

Uma, step aside. I'm in a lunging mood.

Look at this. Because of you, they've installed cameras everywhere

in case we're murdered.

Can't cut a fart or steal a newspaper anymore without being watched.

Get the fuck away from me.

Nobody around here shoots the right people.

We need to get somewhere safe.

Well, seeing as someone was killed in your apartment,

and the shot came from mine, I'm feeling Oliver's.

Yes, m-mine's the least murdery.

Also, I have the most comfortable furniture.

- -If the shooter doesn't kill me,

Charles' stiff sofa will.

-Ah. -

Murderers in the building.

-Hit the close button. - I am! I am.

- - Hurry, Oliver!

Press it all you want, but most close buttons haven't been operational

since the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.

Charles, we could die at any moment.

-Please make your fun facts funner! -

-Oh God, the sisters are in the building! - Ow!

And eerily calm! Are they toying with us?

I don't... I don't know.

- -It's like killer whales and their prey.

Though, technically, killer whales aren't really whales.

Funner!

Are you okay, Oliver? You seem upset.

-I seem upset? - Mm-hmm.

I seem upset?!

Oh, I don't know.

I guess because I almost died today!

Oh, my God.

-I almost died today. - Mm...

And as I was lying there, completely fine

-between two bleeding people... -

...all I could think of was Loretta.

Why am I living another moment without the love of my life by my side?

Oh, hello.

I... Look, I-I'm just one big tub of regret.

How about a big tub of bourbon?

- -How about you, Charles?

What are your regrets?

Me?

-Nothing, really. - You have regrets.

I'll start you off. That ad campaign you did for saccharine.

- Hm. -Flashing that weird look

whenever I give you the opportunity to pick up the bill.

The moment you fell in love with Jan.

- True. - Hey!

She turned us on to Baked by Melissa,

and we love that place!

Oh, well that totally makes up for all the serial killing.

-Although those cinnamon rolls are good. - Yeah.

- Oh my gosh... -

She just called from downstairs.

-Come on, guys. What did I say? - Oh, thank God.

I had one request. One fuckin' request!

Do not let anything happen to Galifianakis!

Someone is trying to kill us, Detective! Kill me!

As someone that's wanted to kill you for the past three years,

-I understand. - Rude.

- How are Zach and Glen? -Well, Stubbins is stable but unconscious.

The bullet struck the plate in his head and deflected to Gali-fine-akis,

but don't worry. It did not hit any of his organs, oh no.

That lucky piece of adorable comedy man-meat.

-What is this? What's happening? - Just pretend I'm not here.

Yeah, nah, that's not happening. Shut that shit off.

-Shut that shit off. -

You oughta go upstairs and arrest the Brothers Sisters.

Tawny wears boots that match the footprint found in Dudenoff's apartment.

The exact same boots?!

Yes! So... Oh, you're playing with me.

Listen, I need more than similar footwear to get a warrant.

Well, I saw Tawny carrying a long black case right before the shooting.