Private Benjamin

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

Man: WITH THIS RING, BE THOU CONSECRATED

UNTO ME AS MY WIFE.

Rabbi: ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF MOSES AND THE FAITH OF ISRAEL.

ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF MOSES

AND THE FAITH OF ISRAEL.

AND YOU, JUDY, SAY TO YALE THESE WORDS--

TAKE THE RING.

Rabbi: THIS RING IS A SYMBOL THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND...

THIS RING IS A SYMBOL THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND...

AND A SIGN OF MY LOVE AND DEVOTION.

AND A SIGN OF MY LOVE AND DEVOTION.

IN THE PRESENCE OF THIS COMPANY AS WITNESS,

YOU HAVE SPOKEN THE WORDS AND PERFORMED THE RITES

WHICH UNITE YOUR LIVES.

I THEREFORE DECLARE YOU, YALE AND JUDY,

HUSBAND AND WIFE.

STEP.

MAZEL TOV.

Crowd: MAZEL TOV.

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* V'NISM'CHA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* V'NISM'CHA *

* ARE THE STARS *

* OUT TONIGHT? *

* I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S CLOUDY OR BRIGHT... *

* 'CAUSE I ONLY HAVE EYES *

* FOR YOU *

* JUDY GOODMAN *

WHAT, YOU HAVE A LATE DATE?

NO, BUT, SWEETHEART, I TOLD YOUR UNCLE PHIL

I'D MEET HIM A HALF-HOUR AGO.

HE WANTS ME TO LOOK OVER HIS LEASE.

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORK NOW

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY?

OH, I'M NOT GOING TO WORK,

BUT HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO BE EVICTED.

LET ME JUST TALK TO HIM FOR A MINUTE.

I'LL BE BACK.

OK?

THANKS FOR MARRYING ME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

PEANUT, GET ME A PERRIER WITH A TWIST, WILL YOU?

HI.

ARNIE.

SO YOU DID IT, HUH?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED GOODMAN

WHEN YOU COULD'VE HAD ME.

COULD'VE LIVED WITH YOU, ARNIE--

BIG DIFFERENCE.

JUDY?

JUDY.

WHAT?

LOOK WHO I FOUND--

MR. WAXMAN THE UPHOLSTERER.

OH, MR. WAXMAN.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU WITHOUT NAILS IN YOUR MOUTH.

JUDY, I BROUGHT A LITTLE SOMETHING

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE.

* ...FOR YOU *

OH!

MR. WAXMAN, YOU FINISHED THE OTTOMAN.

OH, YALE WILL BE THRILLED.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS?

IS THIS MUSHROOM PIPING?

LOOKS A LITTLE BEIGEY TO ME.

MA, THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT COLOR, IS IT?

BEN...

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MUSHROOM?

THAT'S AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE GOING TO GET

TO MUSHROOM IN PHILADELPHIA.

MR. WAXMAN, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS A ZILLION TIMES.

I TOLD YOU I'M DOING YALE'S STUDY IN MUSHROOM.

I'M POSITIVE YOU COULD'VE FOUND

A LITTLE MUSHROOM FABRIC--A YARD.

YOU WANT IT?

I'LL GET IT.

THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

OK.

WHEELS?

MR. WAXMAN, I WANTED UPHOLSTERED BALLS.

UPHOLSTERED BALLS?

COME ON, PEANUT.

HONEY, WHERE ARE WE GOING? MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

YOUR FEET WILL BE FINE.

I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU, OK?

SO, WHAT? YOU WANT A DIVORCE ALREADY?

DARLING, I HAVE A VERY BAD HEADACHE.

WELL, HONEY, IT'S NO WONDER.

YOU'VE BEEN DANCING ALL NIGHT.

LET ME GET SOME TYLENOL FROM MOMMY.

SWEETHEART, IT'S NOT A TYLENOL HEADACHE.

HONEY...

PLEASE?

HONEY, NOT HERE.

WHAT? COME ON.

WHY? BECAUSE EVERYBODY I KNOW IS 10 FEET AWAY.

SWEETHEART, THEY'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

PLEASE?

I KNOW, HONEY. I'M IN MY DRESS.

WHAT? YOUR DRESS IS FINE.

COME ON. COME ON, SWEETHEART.

COME ON. PLEASE, SWEETHEART.

OH, HONEY.

PLEASE?

KISS ME FIRST.

OK.

OK?

OK.

OH, SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

HI, YALE.

HI.

Man: JUDY'S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD GIRL. ALWAYS.

WE KNOW SHE MADE A MISTAKE WITH HER FIRST HUSBAND,

BUT THAT'S ANCIENT HISTORY.

THE SMARTEST THING SHE EVER DID, YALE,

WAS TO MARRY YOU.

THAT'S REAL NICE. THANK YOU, TEDDY.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR A FATHER TO KNOW

HIS DAUGHTER'S GOING TO BE WELL TAKEN CARE OF.

DON'T LAUGH.

YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER GETS MARRIED.

ANYWAY, THAT'S NUMBER ONE.

NUMBER TWO--

ARE YOU STILL COMING TO BREAKFAST EVERY SUNDAY?

OF COURSE, DADDY.

GOOD, THEN PICK UP THE WHITEFISH ON YOUR WAY OVER.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU TWO

A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM MOTHER AND ME,

JUST TO BRING YOU A LITTLE EXTRA HAPPINESS.

I GUESS IT'S NOT CARPETING FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

OH, MY...

THAT'S FOR THE FUTURE, NOT LORD AND TAYLOR,

YOU UNDERSTAND?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

THANK YOU, DADDY.

TEDDY, YOU'RE AMAZING.

IT'S MY PLEASURE, YALE.

JUST USE IT IN GOOD HEALTH.

THANK YOU. JESUS.

I GOT TO SHOW MY MOTHER. SHE'LL GO CRAZY.

HERE. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

JEEZ.

JUDE, GET ME A CIGARETTE.

...BOB BOONE DOUBLED BOWA TO THIRD,

BOTH GETTING IN TO SCORE

ON A DOUBLE TO RIGHT BY GARY MATTHEWS.

COMING BACK INSIDE, DADDY?

I JUST WANT TO SEE THE RECAP OF TONIGHT'S GAME.

SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU HERE?

...CEDENO, WHO SCORED ON A SACRIFICE FLY BY CABELL.

SO THE PHILLIES, IN WINNING THEIR FIFTH...

DAD?

DADDY?

OH, GET ME A MATCH, DOLL.

...AND BY 2 OVER PITTSBURGH,

BUT IF THE PHILLIES CLOSE OUT THE HOME STAND...

OH, THANKS.

THEN THEY FACE A TOUGH 13-GAME ROAD TRIP

THAT TAKES THEM OUT TO THE WEST COAST

WITH A STOP IN ST. LOUIS ON THE WAY BACK HOME.

SO CARLTON WINS HIS 13th. HE'S LOST 3.

JERRY, LISTEN TO ME. IF YOU CALL HER,

YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW UP EVERYTHING.

THAT'S MY JOB, ALL RIGHT?

NO, TO CALL HER.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

ALL RIGHT, SEE, ANYTHING MORE THAN 15 YEARS,

YOU LOSE THE HOUSE.

IT'S NOT MY RULE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

SHE WON'T GET THE BOAT.

THE BOAT'S A MALE ITEM.

UH-HUH. YEAH. I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

PRENUPS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET AROUND THIS,

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO LATE. NEXT TIME.

OH, GIVE HER THE MICROWAVE. IT'S A BUILT-IN.

IT COMES WITH THE HOUSE. JUST GIVE IT TO HER.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ONE OVEN?

MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

IT'S LATE NOW. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

6:30 MONDAY MORNING, WE'LL PLAY RACQUETBALL.

WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT THEN. CAN YOU WAIT TILL THEN?

HONEY, WE'RE GOING TO BE IN JAMAICA MONDAY.

OH, I'M GOING TO BE ON MY HONEYMOON MONDAY.

I'LL CALL YOU FROM JAMAICA.

I DON'T KNOW, FROM THE HOTEL.

OK.

NO, YOU'LL BE HALVED AT WORST.

YOU'RE OK.

PRENUPS, BABE. OK.

OK, BYE.