Axegrinder 666

So Zim? Zed?

Zafaria.

Right, right.

Super sexy name.

So where are we going?

You know, I didn't blow up your dms

for an early morning graveyard tour.

Not that I really mind that though.

Will you shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to think here.

Relax. I'm just fucking with you.

No worries, you know, knife scared me a little bit.

That and snakes.

I was with this crazy chick one time

she had snakes and one of them bit one of my nips.

Shh.

Love.

Relax.

If anything's going to bite you, it'll be me.

Now, be a good boy and follow me.

It won't be long before I make all of your

thick thighed goth girl dreams come true.

Hey man, it's Brody again.

Listen, I know I asked you the other day

for the STD force field,

when I hooked up with that sloppy chick from the bar,

but I kind of need another solid.

So if you could just make sure that this bomb ass sex

with this goth chick, does it lead to an early grave.

I'll totally owe you another one, man.

Thanks man.

You too.

Care to join me?

On my way.

Amen to that ass.

Hey, why'd you stop?

So, do you want me to strip down here or what?

Have you ever heard of Freddy Palmer?

No. Is that like an ex I should worry about?

No.

He was quite the legend among the locals here.

He was an Axe murderer

who some thought had supernatural powers.

He left a lot of bodies in his glorious wake.

He seemed unstoppable until...

He was stopped?

His end came at the sharp end of his very own axe,

clean through the neck, quote unquote,

smart people tried to bring him back

so that they could try to understand

his supernatural powers.

But the magic, the pure evil, was gone.

He was nothing more than a rotting stinking corpse.

They quietly buried him here, where we stand now.

Yeah. Cool story, bro.

So are we gonna just do it here or on the grave or what?

Oh.

Definitely.

Or what?

The fucking knife.

You stabbed me, you bitch.

That hurt.

And there's so much more pain to come.

Rise again my dark friends.

Rise and let your satanic hate and rage of hell's fire

burn inside your body again.

Rise Freddy Palmer, rise and kill again.

Woo.

All right guys, who's ready

to get hot witch summer started?

Was it your idea to come to the woods?

Fuck no.

You prudes, never listen to my ideas.

So this is all thanks to Queen Bellatrix.

I just thought it was gonna be nice

to get out and enjoy nature.

My love, all you've been doing lately

is sitting in your little dark corner

listening to crime podcasts and knitting socks for cats.

I was just a little bit worried.

You know, I most prefer murder and kittens

to all this light and noise.

And don't even get me started on the beach.

Oh, are you aware that I'm more worried about Kali?

I mean, look at her.

Her state of mind is really scaring me right now.

We should have gone to his house, killed him,

and we could be burying his body right now.

Not frolicking at the beach.

Well, you know what they say about hindsight,

but we can shove that idea for right now.

Kali what are you doing?

There is no service in this He cat ate forsaken place.

Well, obviously.

Do you wanna get down before you dent my car?

Yeah. Sorry, Bellatrix.

Be careful.

Here, let me try.

Okay.

Why? Come on. No, come on.

Why? What do you mean, why?

- How long has it been? - Since what?

Since you spoke with him.

Two weeks.

Two weeks.

Two weeks since I caught him

with that harlot, whore, slut, hussy, Sable.

He has not reached out to me since.

I'm sorry, Kali, but he's not going to.

He's just a raging erection

running after the next hole he can find.

So can we just relax, commune with mother nature,

drink some wine,

and not talk about filthy fuckboy, right now?

Okay.

Yeah. For you.

We might as well enjoy this place while we're here.

See that's what I'm talking about, see?

Okay. Yeah.

And if this doesn't work out,

I'm pretty sure Ember wouldn't mind killing him

and burying him out here somewhere.

- Okay. - So we're good?

- Yeah. Okay. - Okay, good.

All right, well let's go then.

You guys, it is hot out here.

Are we ready to raise some hell?

Yeah.

Woo.

Woo. Okay.

Freddy Palmer in the flesh.

Use my body to keep you alive.

Yes.

Take me.

I'm all yours.

Promise it's not much farther.

See, we have arrived.

Finally.

Nobody told me we had cross the plane to Hades

to get here though.

- All right. Come on Ember. - Such a baby.

- That's a lot of drama. - It was not that bad.

I kinda liked it.

Thank you.

And I did wanna say thank you to you guys too.

This was exactly what I needed.

Time away from that shitty ex and a shittier ex best friend.

I feel like I can actually,

Like commune with nature and get closer to my inner goddess,

and I'm gonna find some peace.

And I won't have to think about that shitty scumbag.

Guys?

Isn't that Corbin over there?

Yep, that is, that is him.

What the fuck is he doing here?

I'm sorry guys, I don't know if he's seen us,

so why don't we just...

Oh, he's definitely seen us.

Okay. Okay.

Maybe if we're really still, he can't see us.

He's not a T-Rex.

Okay. Actually, fun fact, the movie got it wrong.

They can see really well.

Ladies, please.

I say we just slowly and quietly

walk backwards until we get to the car.

No, he definitely sees us.

What is he doing?

He's waving us over.

Well, maybe there's someone else behind us that he knows.

I know there's nobody else behind us.

I was just trying to be funny.

Kali.

Oh. What do I do?

I say, we go over there and gun him like the prick he is.

Ember, put that away.

Kali, if you want, we can just go.

You don't have to deal with him.

You know what? No. No.

He is done controlling my actions.

So we can go over there and we can get this over with.

- Okay. - Well, let's go.

Okay. Okay.

My dear Kali, how long has it been?

It seems like a lifetime since I saw you last.

Time hasn't been very good to you, has it?

Two weeks.

Oh, is that all?

Two weeks since I caught you doing disgusting things

to my former best friend?

Oh, Kali, are you still not over that little nonsense?

A little nonsense?

Are you fucking kidding me Corbin?

Kali, you know me.

Things just sort of happen around me.

You didn't think I would stay faithful forever, did you?

I mean look at me.

You know I'm a very good,

lover.

I'm sure you remember all of our sexual romps